Abuse

[Vanilla]

Grooming and seduction

Grooming is the predatory act of manoeuvring another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behaviour or an affair. At its best it is called seduction.

Grooming is a insidious predatory tactic, used by Narcissists, Antisocial predators, con-artists and sexual aggressors, who target and manipulate.

Adult grooming applies to any situation where an adult is primed to allow exploitation, seduction or abuse. A predator will identify and engage a target and work to gain trust, break down defences, and manipulate until they get whatever it is they are after. Overt attention, verbal seduction (flattery / ego stroking), recruitment, physical isolation, charm, gift-giving, normalising, gas lighting, secrecy, and threats are all hallmarks of grooming, and even negative tease tactics.

Abusers, seducers or predators who groom their targets often claim to have a special connection with the abused or seduced. The so called connection might be emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, or all of the above. This is often backed up by the predator echoing back part of the target's own background or story, altered to fit the groomer’s back-story, in order to confirm the connection. In order to abuse, seduce or exploit another person without fear of discovery, a sexual predator or con artist will frequently condition their intended target to keep secrets for them, such is the nature of an illicit affair, especially in the workplace. When building this bond of trust, an abuser may share seemingly personal or private information, and then swear To secrecy. The target is made to believe that they are being trusted with something of value, before being asked to share something of value with his/her abuser or seducer. Abusers and seducers use shared secrets to bind their targets to them. By degrees, the target is gradually lured in to revealing private information, giving up money, property or sexual favours, or permitting or engaging in inappropriate, unsafe, or illegal behaviours. •

The target is often drawn in to being a "co-conspirator” (also known as forced teaming). Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the target silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeeds. Anyone can be a target, the lonely and the emotionally compromised together with those whose defences are down. Anyone with soft boundaries.

There is no prototypical victim, anyone can be vulnerable to grooming. Predators and seducers are practiced, and extremely good at what they do. Those who aren't tend to get caught. Those who get caught, tend to learn from their mistakes, and refine their techniques. You don’t have to be especially gullible to fall for grooming, but learning the signs successfully identifies a potential abuser or seducer, and avoid exploitation:

-Predators or seducers can normally work in the shadows, and have something to hide.
-Predators or seducers claim to feel a "special connection" with their targets, even if they've only just met.
-Predators or seducers recruit co-conspirators (forced teaming) to fight their battles and do their bidding.
-Predators or seducers draw their victims in by sharing private information then swearing them to secrecy.
-Predators or seducers practice divide and conquer techniques in order to manipulate other.

An individual who lures lonely or vulnerable people into a romantic relationship in order to position themselves for monetary gain or resources especially in the work place. Anyone who manufactures a (false) bond of trust in order to extract promises or favours from another.

How the target feels

Grooming can feel exhilarating – at first. The predator or seducer employs attentiveness, sensitivity, (false) empathy and plenty of positive reinforcement to seduce. For their part, targets can be so enthralled with, or overwhelmed by the attention they are receiving; they will often overlook or ignore red flags that might alert them that the person who is showering them with that attention is somehow “off”.

Little by little, the abuser or seducer breaks through natural defences, gaining trust, and manipulates or coerces the target into willingly having sex, handing over money or assets, engaging in inappropriate, illegal or morally ambiguous actives, or acting as a proxy, fighting the abuser’s battles, and carrying out their will. The target often feels confusion, shame, guilt, remorse and disgust at his or her own participation but somehow excited and bonded. Equally powerful, is the panic that comes with the threat of being exposed for engaging these activities, they may hide the activity or brazenly flounce it. There may also an overwhelming fear of losing the emotional bond that has been established with an abuser ors ducker. The target eventually becomes trapped, depressed or despondent because the R is vacuous.

What NOT to Do:

-Don't trust too soon, or share too much with someone you’ve only just met.
-Don't fall for false flattery, or verbal seduction.
-Don’t compromise your boundaries.
-Don't allow yourself to be isolated from others against your own better judgment.
-Don't blame yourself for how the other person is behaving.
-Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
-Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

What TO Do:

Use caution around someone you may have only just met, who pays you too many compliments, gives you too much attention, demands too much of your time, shares too much information, or tries to swear you to secrecy. Question motives. Learn to pay attention to your gut, and trust those feelings to guide you. Remind yourself you are not to blame for what a predator is attempting to do to you. Learn to say no, and mean it. If your loved one is a target then realise Stockholm syndrome may apply, they may be enthralled and in denial. This abuser or seducer will perfect techniques and move on to richer pastures.

Adapted from an out of the fog website post.

V