Lost & confused

[Clairee]

So yesterday afternoon I decided to go ahead & broach the subject about his depression. H listened quietly as I talked about what I had read & how I can see the patterns in how he has been the last 8-9 months. I wasn't sure how he would receive or respond. Much to my relief, he was receptive. He admitted feeling all the things I had described & that I was probably right about it being worse than he allowed himself to feel. He acknowledged & even agreed that he had been self-medicating with anything external to avoid the internal pains he felt. He is worried about talking with our MC about it, fear of it getting back to the military & it putting his job at risk. He asked if I could research more into non-medical treatments or exercises/tools he could use to stem off the feelings if they started happening again. He also asked if I would help him stay more in tune with those feelings. That he never recognized it as happening & maybe I could see it before it became a big problem & help guide him away from the negative behaviors that led to poor judgement & bad choices.

Was kinda knocked off my feet last night by H. While H was gone, I sent him an email letting him know what I want to change in our marriage. A new contract so to speak. One thing I said was spending 30 minutes every day focusing on just us. No phones, kids, etc. Last night after dinner, I suggested we drive to the beach & just sit/talk/relax. We were strolling along, talking about work, changes with it, etc. We sat down at a beach by the water & H started talking about how everything happens for a reason. Then he said he was so sorry for having done anything that hurt me, that he had been thoughtless & insensitve. That he was wrong & regretted doing it. He then backed up & said 'I'm talking about all my infidelities'. This was a huge turn around from just last week when he said he was sorry he hurt me, but didn't regret this OW2 & what happened. I thanked him & told him how much I appreciated him saying that.

I have my IC in a little while, so I'll be talking with her about this. Feeling good today & finally feeling like maybe we will come through all this darkness.