Hi HP, I am OK. Thank you for asking. Sorry to have bothered you.
This one got me as her fishing and playing the "poor me" card and trying to get a response. I assume she was wanting you to respond with "Oh, its okay. You are not bothering me." I agree with everyone else, she is fishing for control or trying to manipulate.
I left my XW with the position of if we try it needs to be only us, not and open relationship, and I need commitment. I also told her it is her move. She needs to show action. Until then I am not changing my interactions with her.
In the past I would have been broke down and so hopeful about the future again, not now. I guess I can learn something after a couple of tries.
HP I think we are waiting for the same thing, action. From there we can hopefully get into MC and work SLOWLY at reconciliation. My XW mentioned we needed MC to do this. I was surprised that she said it before I did as one of my conditions.
All of this can about because her IC told her to approach me about finding closure because everything else she tried was not working. After a some conversation I told her she has a "Gogofo" shaped hole in her and the D was not the solution to help fix her life. It was the wrong decision.
It sounds like your XW may be slowly seeing the fog lift to and that HP was not the source of all of her problems.
Keep on doing you, it has been working and will continue to work.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
It sounds like your XW may be slowly seeing the fog lift to and that HP was not the source of all of her problems.
Keep on doing you, it has been working and will continue to work.
This brings up an important point. Well, TWO:
1. If this IC is as good and as challenging as you say she is, then HP's wife is likely to continue to make progress with her in terms of "doing the work" and realizing the full damage of her choices, and what needs to be done to make it right, no?
2. "Offers," or "cracks" such as yesterday's emails should not be seen as one-time opportunities, that if we don't respond juuuuust right, are forever lost to the sands of time. If your wife is truly repentant and desiring of working on reconciliation with you, she will continue to pursue that, and likely in increasingly satisfactory ways (see Point #1). And if she's NOT sincere, then you shouldn't touch the "offer" with a 10-foot pole.
HP, I have been following this thread. This interests me alot because I started to think about how I would react if I received an email like that from my STBX one day. You sound like you are in a good place and I am happy for you. I have a daughter about the same age as your son.
I am no vet. But I do really like what Sandi said. I guess I picked up on some of the same things she did. My STBXW was very manipulative in our marriage and always avoided accepting responsibility. She would accept it on her terms. We are all adults here! She needs to put on her big girl panties and own it!! I also like zew's post. I think I can agree with them both.
After dealing with my kids emotional problems last night from our situation, if I were in your shoes, she would have to make a big commitment. You are not just dealing with you and your emotions, if things turn south again, your S has to go through all that crap again. To me, I would be willing to talk. But at that talk, I would want to hear those words " I am so sorry and I messed up and what do I have to do to work on things". Just my 2 cents!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Great points gogofo, Starsky, and Joe46. I am slipping back into that "must get it just right" thing like this "offer" from her is a real and once in a lifetime golden prize. If I just ignored this and she came back after more IC time with more commitment, that would be better long term R or no.
For now, I'll not ignore her emails. I'll go with a tweak on my words which I think says what all the sample replies you all offered says but in my own words...
XW. I heard what you said yesterday and you're right... these are important decisions that impact all our lives. I've given your words a lot of thought and yes together we should talk about us and how we might be a family again. No, I won't do that if you're seeing someone else. If things change for you before I leave for Florida, let me know when they do and I promise you we will have a good talk about us together with IC.
I validate her words, tell her what I will and won't do, give her a timeframe to do what I expect, and leave the rest up to her.
Done and moving on.
Thank you all again for your help. I really do hope this is helpful to anyone who gets to this point.
I remember when I felt desperate to get a chance to respond to an email like this. Now it's funny how this is such a pain in the a$$.
Now I will put on my spew jacket and not check my email until I go to sleep.
Onward.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
HP, I am glad this has come up. I think you are handling it correctly. Not just jumping in and asking for opinions. I have thought about this quite a few times. I did tell myself that if it did ever come up, my response would be, "I am going to have to really think this over and get back to you". My reasons for that response would be, am I willing to take a chance again? Am I willing to take a chance with my kids going through this again? Will I ever be able to trust her again? Is she really sincere or is the because she is lonely and things aren't working out like she hoped? My feelings are, if she is sincere, she would do whatever it takes to try and work things out. Even if that means emailing you several times or calling several times.
One thought I had, didn't you say you were getting ready to move away? This would explain a few things about the email and maybe some reality hitting her.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi HP. I hope it's ok to comment While I would follow the advice of the vets I would also see this as a sign from W that all is not perfect in paradise It seems she is thinking and that's got to be good. I feel my sitch is done because W has been sad since day 1 of leaving and just went into ADs because of depression
Your W is thinking and it might be a start Maybe not but what's your end goal ? Do you want W back , could you forgive ?
Again , I'm as far from a vet as possible but hopefully all opinions might help you form your own
Sounds like a good reply HP. As you say, best to keep moving on and see how things unfold. For sure, I think you are absolutely right not to become 'OM' if your W is still involved in another R ...
Can I ask? I recall you were having contact with another woman around the time you stopped posting. I wondered whether that was part of the reason you left the forum for a while? Please feel free not to answer if it is too intrusive..
Also, what would it mean for your W if you and S do move away. Would she be a good distance from you then?
Really glad to see you back on the forum and look forward to seeing how things go for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
