Men and our emotions. From the time we are .. well boys .. we are programmed that showing those 'bad' emotions makes one weak .. .you even touched on it that someone who shows anger has a lack of self control. We are taugh those things from all the men in our lives, Fathers, frineds, their fathers, look around .. its everywhere ... men are not to have feelings.
You touched on it .. made me realize how in a way us guys are handicapped ... not allowed to show hurt, let alone cry as we appear weak, not allow to yell as it appears we lost self control ... its not an easy spot for us dealing with all these feelings while our M's and family are crumbling around us.
So we do the best we can .. release in safe areas .. like here, hell I cried a few times alone in my car .. won't lie. There has to be a release.
Hey Cali - I completely agree with this. I have been called weak by W because after BD, I did not hide my emotions well enough to the kids. This hurt me, because it is a different concept than what how we agreed we were raising the kids.
Yes - absolutely no negative emotions were to be shown by men. This was in our training. (my father and GF never had any emotions - let alone ever wanted to talk about them or anything else except work and sports). Pretty true stereotypical tough guy work horse upbringing.
I grew up in a cold house, W grew up in a warm house (this is how I describe a loving house). I knew I never wanted my kids to experience the cold house. W&I had talked about this many times.
Thinking about it, I think we had kind of a role reversal after BD though. I wanted to talk about the A, get to the bottom of it so she would know how crazy it was. I wanted her to know how I was feeling and wanted to know what she was feeling because that would tell me how to fix this. (yeesh - this was a mess - good thing I found DB - but way way too late. and implemented changes way way to slowly)
But I was scolded for not hiding my emotions. For being honest.
So I recoiled and internalized these emotions - and yes intensely released my emotions in private. I cried so uncontrollably in the shower a couple times that I was sure I was losing my mind.
She still says I show my negative emotions in my facial expressions and I need to stop that.
(yes wife - I will become the robot that you want me to be - I will hide and teach the kids to hide - your secret is safe with me. Blahblahblah)
Thanks Cali
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There is a book... its an older book but one my W had recommeneded to her by her therapist ... expensive book (I think I paid like $42.. used!!)
Anyways it deals with the differences in couples who became attracted to each other. In alot of ways DB principles work .. but as I read it I have a better understandsing of myself and my W. Like you ... I am a "physical" and from the looks our W's are "Emotionals" ... not to get long winded but the premis is we have both parts ... but one is a primary and the other a secondary ... its when we exhibit our secondary natures to our spouse that seems to mesh with them ... aka speaks thier love language... but when we show our primary traits its looked down upon .. like you showing emotions and appearing weak ... as "emotionals" hold these things back and are very cold/reserved ... (Unless in a honeymoon phase and they will express their secondary nature to lure their 'opposite'in)
Anyways .. I see a lot of myself and my W in your sitch ... You have to not reach out, detach, and allow her to come to you ... in your case this might have to reach a point your W actually thinks all is lost ... because you and I are built to hold onto a R for ever, its in our nature that way.
I'm sure little of what I said made sense .. but just know I completely get where you are coming from. Especially with all that streotype stuff we grew up with about emotions and the "Be a man" mantra.
