I spoke to my wife for about 30 minutes late last evening. She told me about the things the realtor had told her reference selling the house. She told me that she had spoken to the lawyer and was getting the paperwork ready. I asked a few questions. How long? What does it entail?, etc. I tried to play it as "detached" as possible, but my heart was coming through my chest.
As the conversation started to wind down, she said something that threw me into "panic mode". She said "So are you finally giving up?" I tried to remain cool. I told her that I was not necessarily giving up, but that I have realized I cannot change the choice she is making. I told her that I did not want this to happen. I went into how I have genuinely changed: been working out, continuing to lose weight, reconnecting with friends, going out and having fun, meeting with the counselor, and finally starting to feel better about myself, no matter what happens. She didn't say much. We said goodbye and that was that.
You can state you position on the D as you did, that's fine. Nothing wrong with saying "D is not what I want, but I respect your feelings and will not stand in your way". You do not need to state all your changes, when you go into how much you have changes it comes across as only being done to get them back. Its better for them to see them over time as consistent actions, much more believable.
I was a wreck after we hung up. I went to finish some laudry, read the rest of the DR book and a few chapters in my Bible to get ready for bed. I sent my kids the usual good night text. Against my better judgement, I also sent a "Good night." to my wife. I did that every night for two weeks after she kicked me out, but stopped doing it about two weeks ago. She didn't respond. I went to sleep.
Not the best, but you already knew not to do it.
At 1:00am, I was woken up by my phone ringing. She was calling me. I obviously answered because I was worried that something bad had happened. She was crying. She wanted me to come to the house. I went.
Understandable, you don't want to be available for her but emergencies are different. Its hard sometimes to figure out which is which.
I got there and she was in bed. I sat beside the bed and talked to her for a few minutes. She said she was scared. Wasn't sure how she was feeling. Was worried she was making a mistake. Her new job has been so stressful and this is adding so much to that. I tried to remain detached, but I love her. I asked if I could lie on the bed next to her and she agreed. We talked for about an hour, mostly me. I didn't beg or plead, I tried to explain my new self. I told her I thought we should try to make our marriage work, but we couldn't just jump back into it. I said we could take it slow. Maybe start out with a goal of just talking to each other once a day. No pressure, no commitment. Eventually maybe we could go out and do something together and just kind of see where it goes from there. I asked her about her thoughts, but she wasn't sharing much. Just like she said before, she was scared that she was making a mistake. This has been very hard for her. She is afraid to let me back in.
Way to much talking by you. You don't need to tell her of your changes, they seem fake when you do that. Your changes aren't to get her back, they are for you. Let her see those in time. Also, don't assume shes only afraid of letting you back in. She may be torn over you and the EA and is feeling guilty about moving forward with that.
After about an hour, I told her I needed to go back to the place I am staying, since I had to work in the morning. She seemed surprised that I was going to leave and said I should just stay and then get up early to go get ready for work. I agreed. We held each other for a while and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and it seemed like a dream at first. As I was leaving. she reached out to me and we hugged and I gave her a small kiss on the head. I simply said "think positive thoughts" and left.
I don't know if this whole episode was good or bad. I'm so lost. I will probably see her again tonight when I go to pick up and/or drop off my girls. I think God is answering my prayers, but I just don't know what to do.
Give her space and time, no pressure. You did put quite a bit on here here and tried to fix things. She needs to come to these conclusions and want the M herself. What happened here may or may not lead to anything so don't develop any expectations. You may come back today and she is cold again.
I read up on your sitch yesterday but never got around to replying. I see many similarities in our situation. M to our high school sweethearts, military service(no combat), video game addition, weight issues, self misery/depression. Also in the comments W has made about being being unhappy and not in love anymore. My W is also very social and I am not.
You wont be able to talk your way out of this. You have to make these changes for you and let them be seem by W in her own time.
Something that will become hard to accept, things will get much worse before they get better. Patience is something you will have to develop the hard way. Don't gain expectations that this encounter will lead to anything good because you just don't know right now.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
