Well, he doesn't yell. He seems like he wants to actually talk about it openly. And I even tried to articulate that it isn't my job to make him happy just like it isn't his job to make me happy. But he's convinced that's a big part of being "one" in a marriage. I know I can't change his mind. It seems like all I can do is validate.... but it does seem like he's close to talking about it.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Well, he doesn't yell. He seems like he wants to actually talk about it openly. And I even tried to articulate that it isn't my job to make him happy just like it isn't his job to make me happy. But he's convinced that's a big part of being "one" in a marriage. I know I can't change his mind. It seems like all I can do is validate.... but it does seem like he's close to talking about it.
Well just remember whatever he says to treat with axiom #1.
Believe NONE of what he says and half of what he does.
IMHO you need to buy some duct tape in a designer color, also stop in at the STFU department and get some of that too.
The core of our happiness isn't formed due to another person. We gain happiness within ourselves but other people can supplement that.
I'm not sure how you would respond to his question of what you want from him but he seems to be trying to figure things out. Don't argue with him on what happiness is, you will never win that battle. Its something he has to figure out on his own.
If he does keep going into how he was unhappy in the M you can validate those feelings and say you recognize the issues and dysfunction that was present in the M. You saying "its not my job to make you happy" puts him on the defensive and doesn't take his feelings into account. Its not showing him you care about how he feels.
The issue here is he feels you didn't make him happy, those are his feelings. Everyone is entitled to the way they feel, they aren't wrong or right. You can validate his feelings without agreeing with them.
Validate and keep giving him space and avoid pressure, he still has things to figure out.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Ok, lots of stuff here. Thank you. Yeah, duct tape - I could really use that. Why do I need to answer him? I really do want to communicate. It seems like a legit question/opening. No trash to me (he trashed me to the OW plenty, but I get that). He is struggling/trying to figure things out. I may have laid a landmine by saying I'm trying to figure out what I want (trying to be mysterious but sounding like I want out...) Should I approach him at this point & say I reacted in anger, etc? or just give space.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Why? To move forward. I think we're both pretty much there. Not control - I've told him I don't know where all this is going & I know I'm not in the driver's seat here. But none of us wants to be in the Limbo any longer.
Probably not "react" but I doubt he'll really communicate much after that....
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
You don't know for sure where he is. You may be ready to move past limbo but he could be in a completely different place. This is why its important to let him follow his path at his own pace, not yours. Moving too slow wont hurt things but going too fast will.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
