10 Months Later... XW Wants To Talk About Us?

[HPoirot]

Hey very good morning Vanilla, gan, Train, Sandi and Fogg. I so appreciate all of your feedback while I slept. Thank you so much and again.

Feeling fantastic this morning and woke with a few thoughts before reading your feedback...

• I did not accomplish my goals yesterday so I won't continue this distraction.
• XW is not being the kind of woman I decided I want to meet in my future.
• This is only an opportunity to state my needs to her in MC and see if she can meet them.
• Sitch is better when I am clear and brief with her about my needs.
• My asking if she was OK was not needed and not clear.
• Don't make and move on decisions when you're tired and it's late.

I got here by being direct with her and focusing on moving forward. I don't stop every time she has a panic attack anymore.

So, I woke up with this to say to her and then move on...

XW. I heard what you said yesterday and you're right... these are important decisions that impact all our lives. I've given your words a lot of thought and yes I do want to talk with you about us and how we can be a family again. No, I won't do that if you're seeing someone else. If things change for you before I leave for Florida, let me know and I promise we will have a good talk about us.

I'm not going to spend all day on this again b/c moving forward. I will now re-read this thread to decide which response if any to use to accomplish these things...

• Let XW know I've heard her and take her seriously.
• Let XW know there is a way back.
• Let XW know I'm not option #2.
• Let XW know I'm moving forward no matter what.
• Do this in a loving, non controlling way.
• Do this in a way where I'm not capitulating to her manipulations.
• Do this in a way where I'm not participating in her drama.

Now I've just read zew's post (hey zew). Yes you're right... I'm trying to soften all the sample replies given here. I'm used to replying in a business like way to her or outright ignoring her.

I think the difference here, though, is... this is a communication that I wanted her to make. How can we be a family again. I'm trying to reward her for bringing it up by being gentle. I'm remembering what DB coach said and 25's words on empathy.

But then, she has not shown any commitment yet like all of you have said. Looks like I'm not at the point where I can be gentle with her. Everything she says still requires testing.

Funny... I realize I'm angling for months of dealing with a depressed, backsliding, angry, confused person.

I'm not in a hurry to send something, so like I said I'll re-read and rethink and let you know what I'll send before I do. I know each email is not make or break. I know that break is far from the worst thing that can happen.

But yes, the main thing is I would need to see is a commitment.

If I'm honest (and I am),I don't think I will get one and that's no problem.

No problem at all.

Onward.