So how can I answer that question? He uses it regularly (remember - he's been a counselor before & knows a lot of techniques/psych games).
I think you broaden it out. What you want is a healthy marriage, right? That's your ultimate goal, I think. So you say you want that. You want to rebuild trust.
I don't think you can dictate the step by step path through it - EAPECIALLY not how you want him to FEEL.
I was really angry last night and probably did not handle things in the best way. I know it’s frustrating that we’re not communicating. It sounds like you’re hurting and you don’t want to be in this Limbo that we are both in. I didn’t want to force you to do or say anything – I only wanted to answer your question. It really is safe to tell me everything. Even though I was angry, I hope we can talk about it. I said that I wanted the truth, and I do. But really, I want things to be “right” and I think you do too. You probably want to be free from all of this mess and not be burdened with a fear of failure. I don’t want you to be burdened that way either.
I don't think you want to say all of this. There's a lot of you putting words and feelings into his mouth. Focus on YOU.
I was really angry last night and probably did not handle things in the best way. I feel that communication between us is important, and I did not show that in my reactions last night.
ugh... this is so hard! De doo doo doo, de daa daa daah
Tell me about it. The real key is showing him through your actions not through your words. Long drawn out speeches, texts, emails, don't really do anything. Short and sweet.
He can be very verbal at times... but yeah, I hear you. Communication was one thing he appreciated & leveraged with the OW. For that matter - that's how things used to be for us. A lot of talking. What *actons* do you mean? Just being calm, listening? I know I tend to interuppt and that's what I need to work on. Is there something else?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
He can be very verbal at times... but yeah, I hear you. Communication was one thing he appreciated & leveraged with the OW. For that matter - that's how things used to be for us. A lot of talking. What *actons* do you mean? Just being calm, listening? I know I tend to interuppt and that's what I need to work on. Is there something else?
It takes both of you to damage your marriage. What are you working on in yourself? It's these kinds of actions that show that you are interested in change and growth. Consistency is the key. He isn't going to want to come back to the same marriage. But he also isn't going to believe your changes are for real unless you keep them up.
I know, I know. I'm trying to work on not being critical, resentful and interupting. He's been talking a lot about communication lately and I know that's something I need to work on too. It's been all about me though, so I'm kinda sick of the whole "kyrie" is the problem line when he continued flagrantly chasing the OW long distance. Its only because things recently fell apart that he came to me. So I don't just want to be the fall back position. So my anger came out.
I had said not too long ago that we can't get past this so long as the OW is in the mix. I do believe that. But he kept saying, no we need to work on us/communication first. I'm kinda confused on that part too.
Thanks so much Matt.
Last edited by kyrie; 07/16/1502:27 PM.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Of course he's going to SAY you're the problem right now. That's what they will all say. He believes that you failed in your job of making him happy. What you know now is that it isn't YOUR job. So, let him yell. Imagine he's a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. Eventually, he will calm down and really be willing to have a discussion. But it doesn't sound like he's there at all yet.
So, work on you. Do your 180s. Stay patient. Keep detaching. Validate.
