Hello Pink. I think you handled that crazy dinner with XH as well as could be expected. Isn't it something how consistently crazy unapologetically inconsiderate the WAS can be? Came to dinner with you and no cards or money? Wow! Mine wanted me to drive S12 to a summer camp she signed up for him everyday while she left on a trip she would not tell me about. Had the nerve to try to guilt me when I said no and then acted like I didn't say no. Amazing. Keep on dancing and keeping yours in check.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Crazy? No cards? I know this sounds tough but WH went in the expectation you would pay, he planned it,. Then to say dessert?
Quite extraordinary. So very manipulative to make you sit there, can I recommend you google passive master by Al Turtle? It was an original theory by Frued (one of his better ones in my view) and developed by Weiss but no one explains it better than Al. It is how there is 'back' control. my WH was a master at this one! Apologies I didn't spot it before and I have reread some posts and it appears a few times.
If you had been V, you would have paid your part (one glass water plus tip) and walked away, but I guess if my kids had been there I would have paid too. Be forewarned if there is ever a cost to share in future, make sure WH has his wallet open, and keep a list so if you ever owe him cash it can be deducted.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/16/1507:34 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
There is also a sense with Passive Mastery that the passive master is using back control is trying to achieve dependency (like as iif WH becoming childlike and vulnerable in a psychological not physical sense) so they can be looked after. Can happen in therapy where Frued first observed it where the client reworks early trauma with the therapist. I found this fascinating when I read about it.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/16/1507:45 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I don't think I've ever arranged dinner out without intending to pay. To my mind your H is either: A) unbelievably messed up to the point where I question how he looks after himself; B) incredibly manipulative and deceitful; or C) desperately, desperately sad.
Does he see an IC at all?
I like to think that if I were in your circumstances I would have left the meal anyway (leaving some money with one of the boys or agreeing to sort it out with them later) or better yet asked H to leave since he couldn't contribute.
Anyway, hope you're feeling OK today
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thank you so much for all of you my best friends, for checking on me.
Last few days have been tough, something I expected but did not know how it would play out.
There are moments of pure work, busy. There are moments of joy, just feeling good and confident and then there are moments of sadness. And my IC said it is just normal.
Just to clarify the money issue. H is basically paying for everything all the time. He is even paying my lawyer. He makes (or use to make before alimony and child support) a lot more then what I make. I work part time yet, my salary comparing to his is just a tip.
I think that V is right on the money. It was manipulative. In 18 years together, this was the first time I hear that he did not have cash or cards on him. Of course I did not check his pockets.
It was cheap, and manipulative and I knew it. Maybe he did this because he does not have any control over what I do now. Maybe because he was insecure to stay with the kids by himself since he just D their mother.
Why he did this? I can always be guessing or I can let go because since the beginning I want to understand why, keep thinking that he has a reason to keep me close. But is still moving forward with the D.
So, there is no Why anymore. H is an adult that made his choice and I do not need to care at all about his reasons. All what I need to do right now is to endure this hard time that we still need to resolve many things. And start dealing with my own destiny.
That he will come back? IDK...That he will regret it? IDK... That he is in any fog? IDK... and because IDK anything about him or what he thinks, I just need to let go, let go, let go.
I am OK and I believe I will feel better, I just need time.
