So, I'm starting full time work in the fall, but mostly it starts in August. Filling out all the stupid paperwork and one of the sheets is for direct deposit. I ask my H tonight whether I should have it put in our joint account or my personal. He says my personal.
Obviously I am not detached enough as this hit me hard in the stomach. I figured he'd say joint and I would talk about how much would be reasonable to transfer to my personal each pay period. I had hoped that maybe he wasn't leaving in September, but now I'm back to feeling like maybe he is.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Thank you so much for stopping by on my sitch. I hope I'm giving him the space he needs. I feel sometimes that because we're still in the same house that I forget to do it. It is so easy to forget because he acts as if, and I'm trying to as well. Tonight I went to get ice cream and he offered to get it for me. I told him that he didn't need to, I could do it. I feel like I have to stop having him do small things for me as he complained in October that he always thinks of me first and not himself.
I'm glad you think I'm doing it right. My IC has been gone for four weeks on vacation and boy do I miss her. She helps me see things more clearly that I'm obsessing about. She also gave me the book, Codependent No More as well.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Hey eirinn, so out of curiosity ur husband ... How often does he offer to do 'little' things for You that you could just as easily do...when my wife actual ly rejects my offers over the last year in would take it very hard as a failure or something stupid. I know that when wife does 'allow' little things AND she shows appreciation I feel awesome. Now maybe that was the CD talking but it is the same for others too so maybe not entirely so.
So, I'm starting full time work in the fall, but mostly it starts in August. Filling out all the stupid paperwork and one of the sheets is for direct deposit. I ask my H tonight whether I should have it put in our joint account or my personal. He says my personal.
Obviously I am not detached enough as this hit me hard in the stomach. I figured he'd say joint and I would talk about how much would be reasonable to transfer to my personal each pay period. I had hoped that maybe he wasn't leaving in September, but now I'm back to feeling like maybe he is.
This is too bad. Though I kinda think it would have been best to just have it deposited into the joint acct and not bring it up. It's always easy to change later.
Zephyr, he actually doesn't "volunteer" often. Mostly just at night if I'm going for a snack. I frequently ask him to do me a favor though and he does. I need to cut that out. Hit me with a 2x4 because I really need to stop asking. Never seems to bug him, but a) it's not being detached and b) it's not giving him the space.
I will make sure to think about when he asks if he can do something for me. Have you ever felt like you couldn't take care of your own needs because of caring too much for your W? As that was his concern at the BD, I thought maybe I shouldn't accept offers of help from him.
It's so hard navigating this!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
hmmm, I chose lots of times to put others before myself...and then resented them for it. It is the whole silent contract issue where I thought if I did X I should get Y in response from wife or boss or whatever.
Now that is ALL ON ME. I cannot blame my wife for not reciprocating or appreciating me for those things I thought I should have gotten for my efforts...especially if I never really asked or spoke my desires. This is a major reason so many of the men are here. the resentment grows from all of this and eventually you stop being kind, loving and caring and instead are pi$$ed because my (unspoken) need for appreciation were not being met EVEN THOUGH I am still doing all of this for everyone. Guess what, that is BS.
Keeping score, silent contracts, unspoken desires, expectations, caregiver mentality...mr nice guys. We also hid our feelings and lied about our needs the whole time. How many times did you hear your husband utter the words, no i'm ok...even through you were certain that he wanted something, or asked him what was wrong and he said, 'nothing'.
He is just as much to blame for this. And really meeting his own needs and caring for himself are NOT YOUR JOB in the first place. Don't get me wrong, my wife had her hand. She did not respect my efforts. she did not show me appreciation for things I have done...but the door swings both ways.
That is why I asked if he offered. If he did, you should take him up on it and SHOW HIM SOME THANKS AND APPRECIATION!!! he did something nice for you. You know him better than anyone. you should know what his LL are at this point.
And I don't think asking him to do things once in a while is pursuing. I thing you guys live in the same house after all. you have some time here to make an impact. if you do ask, and he is kind enough to do it, surprise him with something he won't expect. a heart felt thank you with an 'I am so sorry I have not really shown you enough appreciation over the years for the little things that you do for me" with a soft kiss on the cheek or if you're brave a hug.
So I write this whole response to you Zephyr, and then delete it by accident. Sigh. My H is definitely a Mr. Nice Guy. I would try to show him my appreciation by words, actions, and even gifts. Nothing seemed to ever be the right thing at the right time. I grew to hate gift giving occasions because I knew whatever I got would not be right. Either I got the wrong model, or gave it on the wrong holiday (this is more of an anniversary present than a birthday present) or I shouldn't have spent the money.
Your description helps me tremendously understand what he's going through right now. I know I have screwed up, and I know that I'm trying to fix the things that I can. I have always known I was lucky in my M and with my H, but I failed in showing him that he was always number one in my life.
Your suggestion on what to say when he does something for me is a good one. I'll try the thank you with the explanation. Not sure I'm brave enough for the kiss or the hug. He's got a pretty strong wall up.
Don't know why, but typing all of this now has me in tears. I just miss him and he lives in the same house.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I miss my W terribly. I just want to hold her, and tell her how everything could be OK if she would just let it. Im sure you know EXACTLY how that feels to think that.
Thanks, Matt. You are right of course. I do know exactly what you mean.
Tomorrow is a new day...just have to get through tonight. I'm going to try to listen to a loon sound cd and see if I can't sack out. If not, I'm sure I'll be back on.
*Hugs* to us all
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
that is a long time.