So today no deep,conversations and this is a good thing
The thing that I am going to find the hardest is when and if she starts seeing other guys ....today I had a txt msg today saying hi dear I was wondering if you can tell me how much your lessons are I saw your car parked outside my house ...now,I am a driving instructor and my wife was using my sign written car she had parked up but in my mind some guy has seen her park up and then txt hi dear......why not just hi ,or hello
Flipping heck if I get jealous over this what happens when she actually decides to date someone else
Jealous jealous jealous ....flipping heck :o(
Last edited by Ghost56; 07/15/1506:23 PM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I think this quote from your post describes the problem in a nutshell.
Quote:
The only time he wanted to be close to me with when he wanted something in the bedroom and I started to feel used I did not want to be just an Object for his needs
He did less and less with me and our children and he did not show them the love that he should have
Well three years ago I told him how unhappy I was and told him that if things did not get better then I would leave.
I got pregnant after getting back with him 3 years ago and sure enough he fell back into his old ways
Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Did you see the pregnancy as some kind of insurance to keep her from leaving?
Quote:
So my wife seems to be disconnecting herself from me at an alarming rate
The disconnection was already there. Those talks she had about you not helping around the house or with the kids....that was her wanting to have connection! She wanted you involved in the family/home. Now she is done with it. Talk your head off.....it will only speed up a D. Housework will not bust a D. So, if it doesn't work, what do you do?
Quote:
For me this is all quite new she only dropped the bomb 3 and a bit weeks ago but for her she says that she has been feeling lonley for a number of years I guess she has been working to this point for quite some time which perhaps makes this easier for her right now ....I do not know if this is the cause or not she does seem to be coping with this much better than I am
Yes, that is much of the way it is. She has already grieved over the loss of dreams in you as her H. She has already cried her tears and spent her lonely times. She has had her time of feeling the hurt caused by you. Now, she's ready for a different life. The two of you are in different time slots. You have been bombed and it woke you up. She feels she died a slow death and now is completely done. Just b/c you are finally awake.....does nothing for her. Can you understand? No matter how much you plead, cry, or promise....it will not wake her up. So what do you do?
You are already freaking out just thinking about her dating some day soon. How are you going to deal with it while living under the same roof? Yes, there are some advantages staying in the same house while S, but there are some definite disadvantages, too. Since you are in the same house, what is your plan in how to deal with the dating situation?
The hard, cold truth is that you need to become a different man from the way you are right now. Stop trying to change her mind. Stop fighting with her and trying to convince her to stay in the M. If you become the kind of man she finds attractive, you won't have to talk her into changing her mind. How can you make that happen?
She needs to see you as though for the first time. Maybe you need to see her with different eyes, too. Marrying young isn't so hard to do. It's decades later when you are trying to stay together that it gets hard.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think this quote from your post describes the problem in a nutshell.
Quote:
The only time he wanted to be close to me with when he wanted something in the bedroom and I started to feel used I did not want to be just an Object for his needs
He did less and less with me and our children and he did not show them the love that he should have
Well three years ago I told him how unhappy I was and told him that if things did not get better then I would leave.
I got pregnant after getting back with him 3 years ago and sure enough he fell back into his old ways
Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Did you see the pregnancy as some kind of insurance to keep her from leaving? No we always talked about having 4 children us getting back together we did talk about having another baby perhaps we both wanted it to happen
Quote:
So my wife seems to be disconnecting herself from me at an alarming rate
The disconnection was already there. Those talks she had about you not helping around the house or with the kids....that was her wanting to have connection! She wanted you involved in the family/home. Now she is done with it. Talk your head off.....it will only speed up a D. Housework will not bust a D. So, if it doesn't work, what do you do? I am happy to do the house work and spend quality time with our children the baby is beautiful and I am really starting to create a better Bond this is what I want to do I do not expect me,doing the dishes will bring her back I inownasap a permanent change is what I have to action.
Quote:
For me this is all quite new she only dropped the bomb 3 and a bit weeks ago but for her she says that she has been feeling lonley for a number of years I guess she has been working to this point for quite some time which perhaps makes this easier for her right now ....I do not know if this is the cause or not she does seem to be coping with this much better than I am
Yes, that is much of the way it is. She has already grieved over the loss of dreams in you as her H. She has already cried her tears and spent her lonely times. She has had her time of feeling the hurt caused by you. Now, she's ready for a different life. The two of you are in different time slots. You have been bombed and it woke you up. She feels she died a slow death and now is completely done. Just b/c you are finally awake.....does nothing for her. Can you understand? No matter how much you plead, cry, or promise....it will not wake her up. So what do you do? I do understand this
You are already freaking out just thinking about her dating some day soon. How are you going to deal with it while living under the same roof? Yes, there are some advantages staying in the same house while S, but there are some definite disadvantages, too. Since you are in the same house, what is your plan in how to deal with the dating situation?
The hard, cold truth is that you need to become a different man from the way you are right now. Stop trying to change her mind. Stop fighting with her and trying to convince her to stay in the M. If you become the kind of man she finds attractive, you won't have to talk her into changing her mind. How can you make that happen?
She needs to see you as though for the first time. Maybe you need to see her with different eyes, too. Marrying young isn't so hard to do. It's decades later when you are trying to stay together that it gets hard.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I know everything that you have said is exactly how she is feeling
I will change and I am changing I am changing for me and for my children if my wife can accept that the changes too are genuine then perhaps there is hope but it may be too late I hope that it's not but I do fear that its all over
I guess all I can do is make the changes and see what fate decides
Not a great situation
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
How do you know it's over? Has she filled for divorce? From my point of view (as a woman), if it was really over I'd fill for D, but I'm only guessing that she wants to make sure that THIS time your changes are for really and here to say forever!
You said that three years ago you changed but it didn't last. Now with this website, and more knowledge you can make these changes last. I guess it won't be an overnight thing.
It's all about how you change. Do you know what the majority of women find the most attractive in men? If not, why not start there, and find out. (Not by asking her).
I'm not saying you should not consider what your W likes or dislikes, but I am saying you need to be the man you want to be, first. Otherwise, you will find yourself just being a puppet....which is a "yes, dear" man. I have never known a woman who was attracted to that type of man.
You need a plan of action. Write it down. Set goals and write them down. It's not enough to just say you are working on changes. It's too general. Be specific. What are those changes and what behavior has taken its place? Know what I mean?
I am hoping you will start thinking differently, okay? You need to have a different attitude and outlook about your future, as well as your present situation. This is not hopeless, and that is not the message I am giving. I want you to see from the WAW's perspective. I said what I did in the previous post to hopefully cause you stop going down cheese-less tunnels. I want you to search for a different tunnel to take. There's cheese, just not where you're going at the moment.
Until your mental attitude changes, your behavior will be self-defeating. You are watching her and trying to please her. You are knocking yourself out trying to do, what you think it is she wants. Truth is....you don't know what she wants, do you? You're grasping at straws b/c you are scared to death. You are a newcomer and have a lot to learn. You have not said anything we have not heard/read thousands of time, so that means you're a normal newcomer. I'm just asking you to be open to the idea of a different way than what you may have originally thought, b/c that clearly is not working too well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pimouse thank you for your comments I wish more than anything this will be the case but from what she says and her actions I do not see this ....as much as I would like to
She is distancing herself from me and I know I cannot have conversations with her about us getting back together any more, she knows just how much I hurt and she is adament that we will not get back together I know she is hurting from this decision but to stop me from ever hurting her again she is not prepared to try anymore...further conversations will lead to her moving out and I am sure she will then ask for a D
All I have is time
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I am guessing sence of humour and to have fun have to be fairly high up on the list Please can you guide me you say I need to set Specific goals
Ok so how about this Goal I want to spend more time with my children Action change my working schedulal and make sure that I do not book lessons in before 9:15am so I can do breakfast and see the kids to school
Goal to do more housework Action discuss today with paula the things she hates to do I agree that I will do the ironing and load and unload the dishwasher I also agree that I will put on a load of washing and transfer it to the dryer she said she is happy to put it into kids rooms or away
Goal to become more healthy Action I am about 3 to 4 stone overweight always have been , I am eating more healthy meals and trying to do more exercise
Goal to coexist in the same house for as long as we can bringing happiness to our children Action keep calm in the house not argue in front of children
Does this sound. better
I know I will make mistakes along this journey but will learn with each mistake it is not about failure it is more about never giving up and being open to change
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I am guessing sence of humour and to have fun have to be fairly high up on the list Please can you guide me you say I need to set Specific goals
Ok so how about this Goal I want to spend more time with my children Action change my working schedulal and make sure that I do not book lessons in before 9:15am so I can do breakfast and see the kids to school thats a start. Is that all you want though...? To have breakfast? What about the QUALITY of time you spend with them? Do you want to go new places....do new things, etc.
Goal to do more housework Action discuss today with paula the things she hates to do I agree that I will do the ironing and load and unload the dishwasher I also agree that I will put on a load of washing and transfer it to the dryer she said she is happy to put it into kids rooms or away i assume that's your wife. If so...NO. that's just doing what SHE wanted from you. I think you need to zoom out. "Do more housework" isn't really a change in YOU, is it? WHY didn't you do the housework before? What is the root of this? As for the actual chores, don't just do the things she hates, just if you see something that needs doing, do it.
Goal to become more healthy Action I am about 3 to 4 stone overweight always have been , I am eating more healthy meals and trying to do more exercise what EXACTLY is this goal? How can you measure "eating more healthy"? Set yourself a GOAL - I want to lose 10 kg by Oct 1 or something.
Goal to coexist in the same house for as long as we can bringing happiness to our children Action keep calm in the house not argue in front of children your goal is not to coexist in the same house. Your goal is to treat your wife as she wishes. Your goal is to control your emotions. Right?
Does this sound. better
I know I will make mistakes along this journey but will learn with each mistake it is not about failure it is more about never giving up and being open to change
this is a start. But is that it? You have this time to really focus inward and make changes. what about getting a life? What about other personality traits? What else do you want to improve about yourself? Now is the time to do it!
