Divorce Busting My Wayward Wife

[HurtJef]

Thanks Shotgun,

My wife just moved in to her place after 2 months of being a vagabond.

I'm hoping that a stable home for her will provide more of a set structure for sharing time with the kids.

Right now....going forward schedule is as follows due to her working m/w/s/s

Me:m/w/ every other weekend when she works at night on sat(rotates day/night weekly) which includes friday

Her: t/t and said weekend arrangement

We will see how it goes

[shotgun]

It sounds as if you have a good plan. With my first ex-wife she would get the kids on Saturday night and return them Sunday after church. She would keep them at her Grandfather's house because she was living in her car. What got me in trouble was in letting her come to my house to hang out with the kids. A lot of bad habits developed from there. Once I put a firm boundary in place she became a raving lunatic but I helped me to get control of the situation. At that point she decided that she would make my marriage to my current STBXW a living hell and screwed with us at every opportunity.

[HurtJef]

Shotgun,

Yes it is hard when the ww doesn't have a stable place to stay. Mine, I've been told was staying between two friends places and the om.(who consequently lives with his mom) I let her stay during the day with the kids in our home as a matter of convenience for the both of us. But i told her it will stop now that she has a place to keep them.

[Defacto]

Hurtjef,
Thanks for commenting on my thread. I just got caught up on your sitch. Like me, you are in the early stages of this journey. I think some things to continue focusing on would being the most loving and stable father possible.

What are some things you are doing to improve yourself?

[HurtJef]

Defacto,

Thanks for the support.
My kids and I have always had a close relationship. Even my Sd15. I have raised her since she was very young and got to see all of her milestones growing up. Of course we can always improve. Even my wife always comments on what a tremendous Daddy I am. I take a lot of pride in it.

Well since ww moved out.

Ive been reading a lot of self help books.
Ive lost another 15 pounds. (Started in Nov. change in diet)
Exercising every day that i can..mostly treadmill, walks, some jogging.
Started going to Church again and praying my butt off which has helped a lot.
Cleaned out garage and alot of junk from the house that have been procrastinating on.
Starting yoga class next week.
Quit smoking two weeks ago.

Most of all, trying to be better to everyone. I kinda became known as the "smart a-hole" by my wife and friends. That isnt me anymore.

Now that Ww has gotten her own place, i will be able to go out and enjoy time with friends....hasn't happened but a couple times since she left. Hard to find a babysitter for 4 kids, and they had stayed at my place every night.

[Defacto]

Ive been reading a lot of self help books.
Ive lost another 15 pounds. (Started in Nov. change in diet)
Exercising every day that i can..mostly treadmill, walks, some jogging.
Started going to Church again and praying my butt off which has helped a lot.
Cleaned out garage and alot of junk from the house that have been procrastinating on.
Starting yoga class next week.
Quit smoking two weeks ago

This is a great list. Good job!

It's not your fault WW had an A. However, you ARE partially responsible for the problems in your MR. Have you determined what you did wrong and how you can work on this?

[shotgun]

HurtJef,

Hang in there. You sound like a solid guy. The DB and DR lessons are very sound. In my case I was too sick to implement much of the strategies but in the short time that I have been able to do a few 180's and GAL's I am seeing a real effect. Probably too late to save my marriage but I will be a better person going forward.

[PigPen]

Sorry you're here HurtJef, lots of good wisdom on this board.

I'd read Defacto's post a few times and see what comes to your mind. You're making lots of great changes, but also need to be addressing the specifics of your role in the M.

Stay strong, and keep DB'ing. Like Shotgun said, you sound like a stand up guy.

PP

[HurtJef]

Well....
-she says I never made her feel good enough for me.
-she says she never felt like a team financially.
-she says that I never supported her decisions.
-she says I stopped seeing her
-she says I never wanted to do fun stuff

These are only partially rooted in truth.

What I feel I contributed...I was very passive about sex, I didn't initiate it enough.
I was angry about our situation alot of the time and could be very judgemental.
I didnt make her feel special to me...although she was, I didn't show it as much as she needed.
I didnt take care of myself as well as i could have.
I was always concerned about money.
She was always afraid to talk to me about her concerns or worries.
I would freak out whenever there was an issue...not abusively but I would get upset.
I always gave her a hard time about her behavior. Tried to change her in a lot of ways. I just wouldnt let her be herself.

[HurtJef]

Thanks PigPen and Shotgun.

I know that I contributed to my M falling apart. I understand that the A is not my fault and was her choice.

All I can do is change who I am and be the best me I can going forward.

My approach has been GAL,LRT and PMA. I have been trying hard not to pursue.
I have been pleasant when I see her but also giving her space. She is still seeing OM which makes it so hard, but our few interactions have been much more positive than they had been, her behavior is another story. She dosen't text me everyday anymore, she rarely calls but like I said....giving her space.

Its really hard as you all know, when you talk to someone everyday for 15 years not to have some withdrawal.....but I have not given in, i only respond sometimes, and never initiate. Always PMA when there is contact.