Your story is so familiar that I would have sworn I had already read a while back! That is probably of no comfort, knowing there are many in the same boat, except to realize it's not just you.
The problems you have with mental health, have you taken steps to do what you can to help in this area? Do you have any plan that keeps you on track long-term?
Detaching is usually the first thing newcomers mention being so difficult. I'm sure it must be, especially when you are the one who feels desperate to save the M. I hope you'll read the detaching thread Cadet posted, and I am going to copy and paste an old post that some people say has helped them understand the DBing detachment better. I refer to it as DBing detachment b/c most newcomers think of detaching as mostly staying apart physically, or acting cold, mean, giving the silent treatment, etc. However, it is all in the attitude. Hope you'll read it.
I was 15 when I first met the boy I would later marry. It has not been an easy road. We were pretty much opposite in every way. When you M young, you either learn to grow up together or you'll grow apart. We grew apart and the coming back together was hard, but it can be done. Takes a long time and real hard work.....but it can happen.
You can't talk her into loving you, or staying in the M. She won't listen, but she'll watch your actions. Change the dynamics in the relationship, and you'll see her change much faster. Stay the way you are right now....there'll be no change for the better, just gets worse.
Here is the copy of post on detaching:
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be." _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
