Well, here I am. I don't even know where to start. This is going to be long. Probably too detailed, but I’m desperate, so here goes…
My wife and I met very young at 15, high school sweethearts. We have been married for 15 years; together for 22 years (with some rough periods of "off and on" shortly after high school). We had two children together out of wedlock and got married when my middle child was ~6 months old. We had another daughter shortly after we were married. We now have three teenage daughters. Both of us have pretty good and stable careers. We purchased our family home in 2008. We've come so far together. It hasn't been easy.
We've definitely had some tough times over the past years of marriage, but we've weathered them all. Or so I thought.
In early June, I got the dreaded "I can't do this anymore" and "I don't love you anymore". It's not the first time this has happened, but we've always been able to "fix it" in the past. (Now I see things weren't really fixed, but I was foolish.) I've got a history of numerous mental health problems, (probably a mix of hereditary, childhood, and military service in Iraq and Afghanistan) and I have let those get to me very badly for the past many years. I had turned into a miserable person and I can understand how I pushed her away. We would fight about it, I would make a small change... then fall right back into self-misery.
Her main "complaint" is that she is not happy. She's "sociable" and I am not. I never want to “go out” and do things or be around other people. I had gained a lot of weight after leaving the Army and she wanted me to lose weight, exercise, basically take care of myself physically. I did start losing weight by watching my diet over the past year, but was too embarrassed to go workout with my wife. It’s not that I didn’t want to; I just felt like a fat slob and didn’t want my wife to see me struggle in the gym. I had planned to start working out, but wanted to lose a little more weight before I started.
Two other major failings on my part that I should reveal. In 2004, my wife was on the verge of leaving me. We had been fighting for months over my playing video games and not being “in tune” with her and our marriage. We lived overseas and I was getting ready for my first deployment. She had divorce papers and was heading back to the States after I deployed. We agreed to wait until I returned to go through with the Divorce. During this time, I started messaging with a woman I met online. Nothing salacious, but definitely inappropriate. I thought my marriage was over, and this woman was going through the same thing. We sort of connected on that front. While I was deployed, my wife and I reconciled. I dropped communication with this other woman. A little over a year ago (4/2014), my wife found some of these messages. She was devastated, as was I. I had moved on and left this buried long ago and had 10 years to forget about it; she had not. The other thing, after my second deployment, I was a wreck mentally. I ended up getting myself into some serious debt, mostly from failing out of college. I had tried for about 2 years to keep it hidden from my wife. I thought I could keep it under control and was afraid to reveal it to her. She started asking questions, and I lied about it. Eventually the truth came out (10/2012). All of the debt was in my name only. I had tried to shield her from it as much as possible. I took responsibility for the mistakes. I got on a debt management plan and took on a second job to pay down the debt. She was very bitter, not really about the debt, but about the fact that I had lied.
June 7th I was told that either I leave the house, or she would leave... so being the doormat that I've become, I begged and pleaded for a week, to no avail. Then June 14th, I packed up my clothes and left the family home to stay with a family member. She had said if I didn't leave, she was going to. I left because I thought it would be better and easier for me, her, and our children. I figured it was the right thing to do to try to work this out. I see now that this was probably a mistake.
I spent the next 2 weeks begging, professing my love, crying, pursuing, reasoning, writing letters, calling, texting, being miserable. All the classic "wrong" things you would expect.
During that time, I really hit “rock bottom” and was forced to do some serious soul-searching. I started reaching out to God. And it has helped me start to heal. I started to realize all the things I have done wrong. I started to realize that I was letting my depression and emotions control me and it was not only hurting me, but also the person I love the most. I have become active in a church for the past three weeks. Been reconnecting with old and new friends. I saw a mental health counselor last night. I have continued losing weight and watching my diet (I have lost ~80 pounds from my fattest time back in 2012-2013; about 40 pounds just since May). I “did a 180” and started to “GAL” before I even learned what that was! God showed me that I needed to be a better person and I am committed to doing just that.
I have a strong suspicion that she is in the start of an EA with an OM. She had admitted last week that she “went on a date” on 7/2. And I know that she has been texting this OM an awful lot. Obviously this complicates the situation, but after reading Sandi’s thread on Wayward Wives, I think that’s where we are.
For the past week, I’ve started trying to detach. It has been so hard! I worry that I am just going to push her away further, but it almost seems like it may be working. I’m trying not to panic! Obviously the begging and pleading was just pushing her further away. I could see that, but didn’t know what else to do. Since I’ve started to GAL and detach, I’ve actually noticed some emotion from her. But it has seemed like mostly negative emotion. Anger and hate. I know that she doubts my changes are real. And she has every right to feel that way. Two days ago, she had asked me to come to the house and see if I could fix the oven. I went up last night and as I was researching some solutions, she came and started talking to me. She had tears starting in her eyes. She said I was “fake” and she doesn’t understand how “for all those years, she wasn’t worth it” (me making these changes), but now I’ve just “hit a switch” and started doing the things she wanted. She said she “can’t get away from me fast enough”.
She is going to talk to a lawyer today about a dissolution. Last week I had a talk with her and had asked her to slow down and maybe just sit back and watch me for a few months, and then we could re-evaluate our marriage and decide if we still wanted to divorce. She would not agree to it. I’m worried that I have pushed her too far away.
I got the DR (and DB) books last night and started reading DR. I've been lurking around and reading these forums for about 3 or 4 days.
I truly love my wife. I truly want to make my marriage work. I have hope, but it is fading fast.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Unfortunately Cristy, I can't afford the fees for one on one coaching or I would definitely call. Trust me, I've been thinking about it. Right now, I am unable to open any credit lines because of my debt management plan (18 months til thats over). And I only have access to our joint checking and savings accounts.
I really have "hit a switch". And I owe that to God. I was really in a dark, dark, dark state of despair. I believe I had to get to that point so I could "see the light", so to speak. Not just in my marriage, but in myself! It was like an epiphany. I can't really explain it. I realized so many things about myself and about how I was letting my emotions control me and my actions. I finally said "no more!" I can control my own emotions, not the other way around.
I know my wife still cares deeply for me; even though she says the opposite. I believe she has built up this wall around her heart to block out all of the hurt I have caused her. And, understandably, she is afraid to open up to me for fear of being drawn back into the same "hole".
I'm just afraid that I have pushed her to the point of no return. My "180" is REAL, but I understand why she sees it as "fake". I wish she could see into my heart...
I truly believe that ending our marriage is a mistake. For all of us. I'm just lost and scared.
I am a newcomer myself. I have been through alot of the same issues with my ww in the past, (depression, health, weight, video games).
I just want to tell you that you are not alone. The feelings you are having are hard to deal with. I miss my wife, my best friend and partner everyday and hate that she feels for another man the way she used to feel about me.
I was also very anti social during the majority of my marriage while my wife not so much. ( understatement)
I have also turned it all over to God and continue praying for my wife's salvation.
You have mine and everyones support here.
I will pray on your situation and for you and your wife
Hang in there
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
Your story is so familiar that I would have sworn I had already read a while back! That is probably of no comfort, knowing there are many in the same boat, except to realize it's not just you.
The problems you have with mental health, have you taken steps to do what you can to help in this area? Do you have any plan that keeps you on track long-term?
Detaching is usually the first thing newcomers mention being so difficult. I'm sure it must be, especially when you are the one who feels desperate to save the M. I hope you'll read the detaching thread Cadet posted, and I am going to copy and paste an old post that some people say has helped them understand the DBing detachment better. I refer to it as DBing detachment b/c most newcomers think of detaching as mostly staying apart physically, or acting cold, mean, giving the silent treatment, etc. However, it is all in the attitude. Hope you'll read it.
I was 15 when I first met the boy I would later marry. It has not been an easy road. We were pretty much opposite in every way. When you M young, you either learn to grow up together or you'll grow apart. We grew apart and the coming back together was hard, but it can be done. Takes a long time and real hard work.....but it can happen.
You can't talk her into loving you, or staying in the M. She won't listen, but she'll watch your actions. Change the dynamics in the relationship, and you'll see her change much faster. Stay the way you are right now....there'll be no change for the better, just gets worse.
Here is the copy of post on detaching:
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be." _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow Sandi, that is great stuff that all us newcomers can use.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
Thank you, HurtJef. I will be sure to add you to my prayers, as well.
And sandi2, thank you for responding. I used to go to counseling at the VA, but I stopped, for a variety of reasons I'd rather not go into. Anyway, I went to see a Christain MH counselor last night and am getting ready to call to make my follow-up appointment for next week. I finally recognize that I need to get a handle on some of the things I've kept buried.
I know I can't change her mind or heart... only she can do that. It's just so hard to stop myself from the 'pursuing' and the 'reasoning'. It's like I've finally found the way to jump-start my own happiness, and the one person I wish I could share these feelings with, couldn't care less. That's what she wanted all along, but I just didn't see it. I've been beating myself up for being so blind and deaf to her needs, and to my own needs. I wish I could have had this revelation so much sooner.
That makes the detaching even more difficult. Plus, I'm afraid that after pushing her so far away, that by detaching, she'll see that as just pushing her away even more.
I just hope she watches me. And slows down just a little on the D path. She went to talk to a lawyer today, so not sure what she found out. She has also been rushing to sell our home. Waiting to hear more on that.
What scares me the most is when she said: "I can't get away from you fast enough." I think she is having second thoughts, but is trying to rush to keep herself from caving.
I'm in this for the long haul. Even if our marriage ends, I know we'll both be "ok"... but I just know that we could be so much better together.
Your story is so familiar that I would have sworn I had already read a while back! That is probably of no comfort, knowing there are many in the same boat, except to realize it's not just you.
