I feel like a lunatic. I left the office this morning and have been hanging out at the park reading and rereading the detachment chapter in codependency no more. I keep going back to the same excerpt.
"It hits you in the stomach. The feeling fills you up-thst gut-twisting, hand wringing anxiety that is so familiar to CD's. It is what causes us to do much of what we do that hurts ourselves; it is the substance worry and obsession feed upon. It is fear at its worst. Fear usually cones and goes, leaving us in flight, ready to fight or just temporarily frightened. But anxiety hangs in there. It grips the mind, paralyzing it for all but its own purpose - an endless rehashing of the same useless thoughts. It is the fuel that propels us into controlling behaviors of all sorts. We can think of nothing but keeping a lid on things, controlling the problems. And making it go away; it is the stuff CD is made of" -beattie.
It goes on and on with truth. I feel just nuts lately. I have been trying to let go. Trying to get out. Trying to living in the moment. I feel like most mornings I walk out the door with a sense of purpose to do whet I need to do. I get to work and all I do is obsess on db site and what my future holds. What I can do or say to make things better. I stare at the computer screen. When I'm out doing I feel great. I feel relieved. I feel like an awesome guy.
When I sit st work I turn into a weakling. Analyzing and overanalyzing everything. Worrying. Trying to make sense of things.
I am sorry. I am sure by now I sound like a broken record. I am tired of the strain. I am tired of the not knowing. I am really just tired of feeling like a crazy person.
