Unfortunately Cristy, I can't afford the fees for one on one coaching or I would definitely call. Trust me, I've been thinking about it. Right now, I am unable to open any credit lines because of my debt management plan (18 months til thats over). And I only have access to our joint checking and savings accounts.
I really have "hit a switch". And I owe that to God. I was really in a dark, dark, dark state of despair. I believe I had to get to that point so I could "see the light", so to speak. Not just in my marriage, but in myself! It was like an epiphany. I can't really explain it. I realized so many things about myself and about how I was letting my emotions control me and my actions. I finally said "no more!" I can control my own emotions, not the other way around.
I know my wife still cares deeply for me; even though she says the opposite. I believe she has built up this wall around her heart to block out all of the hurt I have caused her. And, understandably, she is afraid to open up to me for fear of being drawn back into the same "hole".
I'm just afraid that I have pushed her to the point of no return. My "180" is REAL, but I understand why she sees it as "fake". I wish she could see into my heart...
I truly believe that ending our marriage is a mistake. For all of us. I'm just lost and scared.
