Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[V2pt0]

Was feeling really down on myself this morning like I am failing at DB. When I first came on here one of the first things I heard is that you did not break him, so you cannot fix him. Which I agree with. I know as cannot fix H. For whatever reason, I am very defense about your posts Zues because all I take away from it is that I did break him. Maybe that is insecurity, low self esteem, not sure what, but I feel I am 100% my fault. I know this is a childhood issue for me and quite frankly I should have been the one who had MLC. I know you said I am not all at fault, but all I take away is that I am. I had this same issue with H, so something I need to work on. Always felt critized by H and it really started to weigh on me. I think that is why it is a relief when I get when chatting to my mom, IC,
and the one friend I tell things to. That it takes two to make a M deteriorate. That is is ok to be hurt and angry about the A.

But that was earlier, so I spent so time this morning reflecting on the positives to lift my spirits a bit. While I have an occasional slip up with H that were mostly prompted by discovery of A and in some cases I did nothing wrong (sending text to H's sister), I have actually been doing a lot of great things. I need to stop letting H make me feel guilty when I have not really erred or I was only setting appropriate boundaries. I can't take on his guilt too.

Positives

1) I have been maintaining family large house and yard on own and keeping to more much tidy and do a great deal of cleaning as GAL. This was complaint of H.
2) Anytime I have engaged with H, I have been 100% engaged. No IPAD or cell distraction. Another complaint of H.
3) I have only watched about 10 hours of TV in the last 4 months. I was literally addicted to TV as a diversion/coping/avoidance mechanism. Another complaint of H.
4) I have lost 30 lbs so far and I am feeling much healthier. This is due to lots of GAL, walking, bootcamp, etc.
5) H has been gone almost for 3 weeks. During that time I only initiated two texts. One of photo of dog because I figured he was missing him and he was and he appreciated it. And the text about talk this week, which was not great since I should have disclosed the topic with initial text. H however took it where it did not need to go and that is on him. There were a few about parents coming, but he initiated those. For the most part any interaction was positive except for this week and I tried not interact. I give my self a b-/c+.


Update on Goals for Summer

My goals for next three months fro early June....

-- Lose an additional 18 lbs by end of summer. I have already lost around 25.
Lost another 5, so only 13 more to go!

-- Take do a creative class-art, graphic design, photography, etc.
Done! Took a jewelry making class on Sunday.

-- Make some new friends and try some new Meetup groups.
Took a larger leap and created my own. First Meetup tonight with 7 coming. Around 30 have joined.

-- Work on figuring out next career move. I am in a bit of a transition spot.
Not made any progress here, so next on list.

-- Get out and enjoy the summer with some weekend trips with friends.
Have had a number of outings with friends and am going hiking and fishing in Wyoming with parents, brother and dog in another week. Have Wipeout race in August. Possible trip to local mountains.

And there is still half of summer left!!