Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[Zues126]

You love your H and have tried your best to have compassion, yet the hurt he has caused you is so overpowering that you struggle to get past the resentment and anger.

Guess what? Your H may love you and has tried his best to find compassion for you, but the hurt you caused him is so overpowering that he struggles to get past his resentment and anger.

What a vicious circle. There are two alternatives.

One, you can keep score, assemble a biased team of your friends and family, showcase his bad behavior, minimize yours (unintentionally because you still haven't changed all that much and don't know what you really did wrong), and get their approval that you are the more wronged party and that you deserve to feel this way and he's a bad guy. Finalize divorce and repeat this in another R years down the road.

Two, you can break the cycle. I'm not sure you're really in a place to do this yet. I do understand the pain is too overpowering. That's why trying to hash things out with H right now may not be the best idea. To reach him you would need to be in a very compassionate, validating, and humble state of mind, that comes from detachment, not when you're wounded.

I think you have to put a fork in the M, grieve, GAL, detach, and let some time pass. Let the dust seriously settle. Let the flames from the conflict die down. Let it go. Live for a while.

I don't blame you at for where you're at. But knowing where you're at you have to decide whether this is the appropriate time to make life changing decisions and trying to go around that merry-go-round again. If you realize you're not detached and compassionate, maybe it's a good time to get space. You're still early in your sitch, only 4 months in today (happy antiversary).

Realize BW- my M isn't going to be saved. It's dead. What I'm telling you isn't easy. I don't even really know what works, because mine didn't and I frankly can't even imagine how it could have as I feel my STBX will go to the grave without realizing how deeply she wounded me. So I can't say what works, but I know what doesn't, and when I heard you preparing a confrontation it just made me cringe because I couldn't see any good coming out of it.

The good news is that if you do have a conversation, lapse back into that cycle, get angry and say things you regret, and just chalk up another negative interaction with H...that could be a blessing if you use it to bottom out and realize you have to detach. Just don't make the mistake of concluding he's the devil. Use it as a tool to help truly let go, grieve, GAL, and take some time to reflect and grow where you're not distracted by his bad behavior.

PS- I think what he's doing is atrocious and if I haven't made it clear how I feel about affairs and divorce pick a random post of mine from the last 6 months and odds are I've ranted about it somewhere in the middle. People shouldn't do this to each other. Period. So take some time to mourn and nurture yourself, just make sure when you can you move past your own pain for the sake of a brighter future. Take care BW.