Ughhh. I think this waa too much. I got carried away in text. I know i am commited to be honest, faithful, trustworthy, caring, loving, emotionally available, monogamous, mindful, thoughtful, and yours.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
You really don't have anything to lose by slowing down, but everything to lose by pushing for more.
You don't need to be hugging her first - let her initiate and let her control things for a bit. You can respond but don't pursue or pressure her right now.
She's very emotional and the mood WILL change and you need to detach enough for when that happens.
How's your personal work going? Can you list some specific things you are doing to be 'more honest" and emotionally available and mindful, etc?
The more specific you are, the more authentic your changes will be and longer they'll last.
Good luck and keep us posted.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Had the twins out in the living room and slept on the couch to take Care of them in the middle of the night so she could get rest.
Helped make sure she wasn't doing things she was restricted from, and making sure she took her meds on time. Tucked her in and gave her last medicine for the night, and when I was going out of her room she asked me to lay with her and cuddle for a bit. She fell asleep and I did as well, then woke up a bit later and went out to couch.
Told her goodnight and covered her up when I got up. Woke up 2 hours later and she was up and couldn't sleep. So hung out for an hour, talking and laughing and relaxing.
Overall a good night and way slower than I felt like I was moving. Said she almost feels like she is expected to change her mind. Told her that it is her choice,there is no pressure from me, I am OK if she changes her mind, OK if she doesn't, I am being the best husband, and father, and person I can be for me.
Commitment goals
I will be more honest when I am not telling white lies I am not limiting information I am being true to myself I am showing her my phone, my messages, my statements, my email Without her asking because I feel she deserves to see everything.
I am being faithful when I am not flirting I am not engaging members of the opposite sex I am choosing not to engage in online chat I am not creating or supporting an environment which enables previous behaviors.
I am being trustworthy when I am being congruent with my convictions by doing what I say I am telling her where I am going, who I am with, how long I am going to take, when I arrive and when I leave, so she knows what I am saying is what I am doing.
I am being caring when I am doing small things that she appreciates I am respecting her wishes I am listening and empathizing with her feelings I am giving her space when I sense she is feeling awkward of upset.
I am being loving when I am doing acts of service that I know make it easier being a mom I am accepting her and not judging or criticizing or complaining, loving her for her. I compliment her I acknowledge and give admiration for things she is doing great
I am being emotionally available when I am giving her my full attention I am listening with an open heart and listening fully before making a response I am putting myself in her side of situation and really trying to see it from her perspective I am expressing how I feel about a topic we are talking about. I am not shutting down or withdrawing. I am making eye contact I am not sighing, or making any of the sounds that make her think I am laughing at what she is saying.
I am being monogamous when I cherish my Wife I take her as my preference over something more readily available I don't engage in any act that is non professional with another woman. I remind myself of why I want to be with my wife. I continue to choose her to be the only woman in my life
I am more mindful when I consider how my choice will affect others before I make them I think how my decision will affect my life 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 months from now. I don't do anything that I know would hurt her. I suggest win/win solutions to problems
I am being more thoughtful when I am remembering small things that make her happy I am taking the time to plan and do things without her having to ask for them to be completed I am taking care of problems on my own that used to frustrate her I am playing songs I know she loves I am cooking dinner after she has had a long day already
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
I like your list a lot. Maybe one way to track your progress will be to write down some examples of these, when you do them.
Like 'played her favorite high school song when she was doing X" or "got her car's oil changed while she was at work", or whatever the act of service she likes are, etc
This is not a scorecard for you to ever use against her or to "win" anything, other than the regaining of your self respect. It's for you to mark your progress and to know you are staying on track.
If she says she feels pressured to change her mind, you can tell her that
"If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently, and of course, at some level I wish you could see that. But I'm not changing 'for you', but for me. And I actually want to thank you for the wake up call b/c my changes are making ME happier - and that's a real victory. So thank you"
and then be about your business. No pressure and NO Expectation or waiting for a reply,
but then again, making sure she knows you are not the man she was leaving, anymore.
Make sense?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 07/17/1509:29 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25. That does make a great deal of sense. I had said something similar, when she had started talking about things I was soing and taking care of her. Said I doing these things for me, to make myself a better person, father and husband, no matter who I am with in the future everyone I care about will be better of and benefit from the work I am doing.
Update. She has now said she doesnt want me out of her life, and she has been enjoying her time with me this week.
Finally finished a 4 page letter I had been writing for a while and gave it to her. Couldnt find the words till recently. Apologoized again for the hurt , pain, destruction of the innocence of our marriage, the shattering of faith and trust. Saying I hope she can someday forgive me for all the sins I have committed against her, and all the hurt, sorrow, misery and pain I have inflicted upon her. laid out my plans for accountability, the vows I intend to uphold.
She said she believes, NOW, that I truly know how to love her properly, and that I know what marriage really means to her.
I found it interesting tonight, she sat on my lap like she used to, and asked what time should I be home.... I was taken aback. After BD and before she left, she would just leave, and not come home till 530am right before I had to go to work. She said I dont want to be out till midnight or anything. I responded you are a grown, beautiful woman, who is making her own choices and decisions, how come you are asking me? She responded i dont like having to take anyone into consideration when I am doing something i want to do. i suggested 11-1130pm. She said that is plenty of time to relax and get out after being cooped up with me and babies all week.
Got new tire on truck today.
Took D1 D1 for a walk while she was sleeping after work.
Starting to gather all necessary info for divorce......sucky.
Having fiber internet installed tomorrow so there is that.
Still have bottles to wash, laundry to start, and keep myself busy so nasty thoughts about what she is out doi g dont creep into my head.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
Week one of W being back home coming to a close. d15 s17 back tomorrow from south carolina. d15 back from Kansas City on Tuesday.
Week has gone surprisingly well.
W said it is going to be wierd when all the kids are home. I said I am sure it will at first,although it wasnt wierd before.
Said one thing she appreciates is being able to get a break or go shopping without having to take the babies or get a sitter.
We are complimenting each other on things, spending a lot of time together, although have not gone out of the house together.
I think it is too soon to plan a date.
This has been a pretty happy week. Some emotional times but,longing looks, intimate time together, holding hands, kissing. Sleeping in the same bed a few nights, at her request.
Told me she wanted a back rub, and it became intimacy. Said she cant help it that she is so attracted to me...
Calling me to tell me that she is taking longer, what she is doing, and where she is at. I am not asking for that info. Providing it freely myself to her to rebuild trust.
Said she doesnt care when I show her cell phone bills, statements that prove i am doing what I say.
I have no idea when I should bring up OR, or the D, or Reconciliation. W is happy, I am happy... d1d1 are very happy little babies.
Still keeping up with my 180's, revising my goals to reflect what has worked, and what hasnt, and to give myself new signposts.for improvement.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
Day one of my kids being back. All hell has broken loose apparently. Asked W to please retell boundaries and expectations to them. She was complaining instantly that they dont respect her, or her wishes, or her expectations. I said I know you have probably told them a million times, tell them clearly what you want, what you expect, and how you wish to he treated.
Realizing after the great week I thought it had, there is more to the story than just me. W told me I do very nice things, and I am not terrible, I'll take it, after being told I fing hate you, which she does not remember.
It seems eh3 is still harboring resentment towards the teens, lik3 it is more of the same b3havior with them.
No problems betw33n me and her at this time, still no talk about our pending divorce, still ways she wants to move out.
W says she is not wanting to have to be accountable to anyone, still sounds like she is rebelling.
Anyone have any ideas on how proceed with issues that arent being caused by me? Lol
I am handling my kids, and leading more, asked them to stay out of her way, respect her wishes, treat her with respect, and be polite.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
I have a question if someone can answer it for me that would be great.
How much should I be pulling back, first week went great, helping with her recovery and taking care of our girls, lots of time together, and felt we were getting closer and closer. Now as of yesterday it feels like I backslid in our closeness.
I was able to get a loan to pay for attorneys fees which I am going to have to. I told her about it. She got mad because i was able to get more money, and she hasnt been able to get a loan for anything.
Went from saying she doesnt want my money to you OWE ME MONEY, to i want part of that money to move out faster.
I told her from the beginning when i got home that i wanted to make a decision what we should do with it together. That i lamented having to spend any of it on lawyers or the divorce, when we should be spending it in our family, and our energy and time on getting better.
This just made her more mad, saying I dont care what she wants, she wants her own money, and she is doing whats right for the kids, but the divorce is whats right for her
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
Why are you discussing your legal moves with your wife?
I suspect you told her about the money to see if you could get some sort of reaction out of her, maybe I'm wrong. But there's a reason they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties -- ours is, by its nature, an adversarial legal system. Best to keep those things close to your vest.
I have to pay for both our attorneys, not happy about it.
I wasnt discussing legal moves with her.
I told her about being able to get the loan because I have always included her in our financial decisions, until i screwed up and cut her off when she moved out, and then she filed for divorce.
Trying to get her to trust me about money again, and the only way i feel is to let her know what is happening, and have her be involved, because it is still our money as long as we are married.
Am i being dense on this?
Do you see anything else I am doing blatantly wrong?
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
