I have found myself in the same situation as many

[ATPeace]

Trying to fill her love tank with acts of service right now only looks like pursuing. The relationship dynamics have changed so it wont work. In the future you may be able to sneak some in covertly, but there's a time and place for everything.

you are right

[Matt777]

Well defiantly eat better loosing weight has never been so easy I have already lost over 1,5 stone I am about 3 stone over weight so this will be my first goal. Perhaps less controlling I did not think I was but my wife did mention this during one of our conversations

I want to dress better I have grown my nails I used to bite them all the time

I know right now it feels that there is nothing I cannot do because everything else seems easy compared to my current position does this make sence

Make a list. Check it often. Make corrections and set new goals as needed.
Step by step. Aim 5 feet in front of you.

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc thank you so much for going into so much detail this is really helping me matt777 thank you too infact everyone who got back to me is giving me the help I really need

25yearmic has hit pretty much everything on the head I do want to change and make these changes for me but right now I was hoping that the changes would be enough how wrong I was and thinking about it I can see how I would be wrong to even think she would change so not quite sure why I kept on

Not sure why you kept on making the changes OR not sure why you kept asking her to notice them?

If you are only making the changes for her to notice them, that's not authentic change and she knows it.

That means you will only become a "fake good" dad to get your w's return

and her fear is that the change is purely cosmetic, and as soon as she returns

you will revert to old ways.

Change and become the best man you can become, and best dad you can,

because it's the right thing to do.

That just might have to be enough b/c the only guarantee here is that if you do the work

YOU will be a better, more loving man. That's a great goal as far as I'm concerned.

It has to be real, and not about her.

Dig deep. Be brave.

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc not sure why I thought if I kept on asking her that she would change her mind I guess as it has been said before I was trying to wear her down

I know the changes have to be forever I know in the past I said I would change and I did not I thought I was doing enough but I now know I was a long way short of the husband she desired.m

The changes I am making are for me I need to become a better father and a better person and if she ever lets me a better husband

[Defacto]

The changes I am making are for me I need to become a better father and a better person and if she ever lets me a better husband

I think these are goals almost all of us have. However, these are definitely longview goals. Ask yourself how you would become a better father. Right it down. Hopefully there are a few specifics. Pick one of these and start there.

[ATPeace]

Ok so this is the current situation that I am in ...how do I stop talking to my recently separated wife about the past

and how do I stop telling her how sorry I am and how do I stop trying to convince her to try again

3 separate questions.

You (both) eventually must let go of the past b/c rehashing it does NOT improve anything. It does not alter one's memory or convince or replace the narrative. It does not help, it does not work.[color:#FF0000]i can see this

Put a STOP SIGN in your mind and STOP doing it. Replace that behavior with an alternative action, such as looking at a picture of the family doing something fun or on a holiday, and then put it down somewhere and leave the room.

Why? B/c The "ritual" or process of allowing yourself to entertain a memory for a moment and not deny or repress them all, but then putting it down - should help you "table" the thought, for the time being. It'll still be there later.

(Do all this without her around). Remember, too, the words in many of our vows that says "from this day forward"? I think those words are brilliant and we must recall them, often in this journey. WE have to go, "from this day forward" so there are things you must let go of, as well.

Stop the historical revisions and rehashing.

You cannot convince her of anything about the marriage, with words.

Wrap your brain around this fact.^^ this makes sence

Secondly as far as the apology, IF you have given her an apology that was real, specific, and sincere, then now it's time for you to BEHAVE Differently, and stop talking about behaving differently.

An apology is just words in the wind, Unless changes happen in you.

She needs new behaviors, NOT more apologies.

If you are Not sure she "heard" your apology, and or you think you gave a mediocre one,

then write an apology down on paper but POST IT HERE FIRST, before you send it to her, so we can help you write with the most effect. I have written apologies that come straight from the heart


I think when you keep on apologizing, it comes off as pleading instead,
which is a huge turn off. It's on that list of behaviors NOT to do when your spouse wants out of a marriage. And ironically,

repeated apologies reeks of 2 things you do NOT want her to believe,

1) they make you look LESS LIKELY TO CHANGE. How?

B/c what you are really doing when you are repeatedly apologizing

is talking, NOT behaving in a new way (which would = change in you)

so the more you apologize, the more you look as if you have not truly changed)

AND

2) it will appear to mean that the main reason you have for apologizing is NOT to "own" your part, but to get her back.

You are attaching expectations to your apology, which is why you continue doing it.

In other words, you are expecting immediate forgiveness, a clean slate, & new start

without you putting in the time for the change to manifest as being real.

I think that's why you keep saying it over and over.

All those words right now are your Promises of change...which I would think she has heard before.

What do you think?[/color]she has and this is why she does not believe my words

I know it is now starting to make her cross

Then Show (her) some self control and STOP this behavior.

Are her feelings important to you?? I'm being sincere. Do you care if she is annoyed by your behavior

or is demanding reassurances from her which she cannot give at the moment, more important? [color:#FF0000]i do care about her feelings very much and I know I am wrong to deman things from her

Do you see that the more you demand reassurances she cannot give

the more you push her away? [/color] I do see this

What is she going to think of your words - when your actions do NOT match them?

How "loved & appreciated" will she feel - if you just blow off her feelings, and do whatever the heck you want? I'm concerned that is exactly how she will see it.

Do you See how counter productive your behavior can be? Owning it, means changing it.

and she thinks all I am trying to do is wear her down and that I do not listen to her


Ghost, no offense, but if you think about it, isn't that^^pretty much the truth?

You are knowingly saying things that "make her cross" and you continue to do that. So, how isn't that just trying to wear her down

AND just Not listening to her? To her, it would appear that you expect her feelings to change overnight b/c after all, you SAID you were sorry. [color:#FF9900]one of the things that upset her was that I did not listen to her

Here's the "math" of it Ghost:

Consistent changes in you, + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

So, how are you demonstrating (actions, not words) that change to her?
[/color]have changed my working hours so i am arround in the mornings to ensure that I can have breakfast with the kids.
I have been doing a lot more housework
I have been doing a. Lot with my 2 year old

What are your 180s? Can you list a few here? And what are your SHORT TERM goals?
my 180s so far to put the children first often they came second place
Wake up earlier and do some housework
Do a lot more household,chores I really did very little

Goals to be a better father start to show my wife equality

And point of clarification, have you read the DB book(s)? Short term goals are discussed in detail in of them but I don't recall which. But you can try some now, such as

"talking pleasantly with wife, without any R talk", (but hanging up or ending the conversation first, b/c you are not needy and clingy and you have Fun, interesting things to do...)

Make sense?


She tells me that I was not their for her during the marriage and now it is too little too late she says I am crowding her


"too little too late" is a mantra for many WAS's. Of course she says that. Don't be alarmed, we all have heard that or thought it. You must Understand that if she concedes you are changing for real THEN she will have to change course!
But She does not want to do that.

She wants to carry on with her present plan, and you making real changes throws a wrench in the engine IF she admits to seeing it.

Also, when you are constantly challenging her choices, it just forces her to defend those choices more, instead of examining her choices.

The question is, Are your changes being made because you want to become the best you that you can become? If so, her reaction is simply not relevant. They are for me,

If the changes are only being made so that she'll want to reconcile,

then it's not authentic change; it's merely a "tactic" - and she knows it.


I did not do my share of the house work and now I am doing my share and then some she says it does not matter to her any more.


Stop pointing them out, b/c that's a great way to negate them. When you do something normal, or fair, or even more, like your share of the housework, you totally UN DO IT by talking about it.


I thought that if I was doing more with the kids and more with the house work ...the things that she wanted during the marriage then this would or might make her believe in me and open up to working things out

So a few days or weeks of more chores would fix it all? Sure looks as if

You are attaching expectations of her, with your changes. But the changes are not supposed to be connected to anything SHE does. Your changes are not going to be counted when you point them out to her.

AND
By pointing out whatever changes you say you made, or contribution to the house, and by expecting her to suddenly believe you're radically different,

you make it all look like a charade, just a tool for getting her back.

When I saw these comments, my reaction was that you were just using chores and time with the kids as tactics to get her back. Too bad.

Instead, you could have just made it about being the best father you can be.

An added bonus is that mothers are often deeply moved by the loving interactions of their h's and her children, so even though her reaction should not be a factor, it happens to be a productive behavioral change (but NOT if you point it out!!)


We still live in same house and generally we do get along but I always find myself saying to her can I ask you something

See the STOP SIGN? Obey it.

I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it's not exactly complicated.


....and then this usually leads to me trying to make things right and discuss what went wrong I just need to stop but I always seem to be finding my way back to this point.

Somehow I have to stop but am struggling to distance myself from her

Gary

You are creating more distance by the incessant questions. Please see that. Please exercise more self control b/c so many things in your life will improve then.

You need a plan.

Write down some 180s. Write down what you think SHE would say if she were here, about the troubles in the marriage.

It's not that everything she says is true - but we need to know what HER perspective is.

Then we can better advise. Makes sense?

[ATPeace]

I am not very good at posting,replies to comments they seem to get lost in the original post

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc

I think the view from my wife's point of view if she was writing here would be something like this

I need some advice
I have been in my marriage for 17 years and together with my partner for 25 years he was my first partner and I was very yet when we first me

We formed our relationship by being together he liked me and I liked him and our affection grew

I did not have a very loving upbringing and I found the love and affection that he gave me filled me with joy.

We moved in together and then got married but he became more and more distant he would always be at work and then in the evenings he would either go off and play tennis or spend time in the office ignoring me all I wanted was to be told he loved me and to spend some quality time with him but he always put others first

The only time he wanted to be close to me with when he wanted something in the bedroom and I started to feel used I did not want to be just an Object for his needs

He did less and less with me and our children and he did not show them the love that he should have

Well three years ago I told him how unhappy I was and told him that if things did not get better then I would leave.

I got pregnant after getting back with him 3 years ago and sure enough he fell back into his old ways

Well I have been getting more and more sad over the last 3 years and I have had enough

After a recent row I decided t tell him that I want out this marriage

I know he is upset and I am too but I know this is the right decision for my own sanity

I think this is what she would be saying and in writing it things have become very clear to me just how much I have let her down

I want to be able to fix things but I know she does not want me to

[ATPeace]

In writing the above it has certainly made ME think a bit deeper

[ATPeace]

So my wife seems to be disconnecting herself from me at an alarming rate

For me this is all quite new she only dropped the bomb 3 and a bit weeks ago but for her she says that she has been feeling lonley for a number of years I guess she has been working to this point for quite some time which perhaps makes this easier for her right now ....I do not know if this is the cause or not she does seem to be coping with this much better than I am

It seems when I come into the house she makes an excus to either go out or find other things to do so she is not in my company

She is moving on very quickly and I need to GAL and try to disconnect from her but this is extremely hard I have been reading all the help given to me on my post for me I value our marriage and it just feels that she she's not really care any more about me., I am trying not to feel sorry for myself however I realise what I have lost and it breaks me to tears often

Thank you for your help

Gary