I have found myself in the same situation as many

[ATPeace]

Ok so this is the current situation that I am in ...how do I stop talking to my recently separated wife about the past and how do I stop telling her how sorry I am and how do I stop trying to convince her to try again I know it is now starting to make her cross and she thinks all I am trying to do is wear her down and that I do not listen to her

She tells me that I was not their for her during the marriage and now it is too little too late she says I am crowding her

I did not do my share of the house work and now I am doing my share and then some she says it does not matter to her any more.

I thought that if I was doing more with the kids and more with the house work ...the things that she wanted during the marriage then this would or might make her believe in me and open up to working things out

We still live in same house and generally we do get along but I always find myself saying to her can I ask you something ....and then this usually leads to me trying to make things right and discuss what went wrong I just need to stop but I always seem to be finding my way back to this point.

Somehow I have to stop but am struggling to distance myself from her

Gary

[Defacto]

Hi Ghost,
I know it's tough but try to understand that any changes you make will not stick if they are motivated by getting a reaction from your W. But in order for her to see these changes as authentic, they need to really take hold in your life for a long time.

As far as how to stop your pleading to W, you have to come to the realization that nothing you say right now will have any impact on how your W feels. Your W will have to come to her conclusions by herself. I would think constantly stating your case makes you appear weak and unattractive to your W.

[CindySy]

I am no expert but you still have her in your house, to me that is a BIG bonus. One story in the DB book that I think may help you is Page: 172, Carol....it is very good at guiding me & I think it would give you a good idea where to start.

[EyeTie]

I think every one of us has heard the "Too little too late" speech. What your WW is seeing is a drastic change in desperate times. Over the years she has pleaded for these changes and at this point has given up hope.

Do not talk to her about the R. Do not bring out old photo's. Do not talk about your wedding day. Nothing. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK! Follow Sandi's rules, study them, they do work. Sometimes it takes time!

My W moved out on Valentines Day! I came home from work and my house looked like I got raided by the feds. I spent December 2014-V-Day trying to prove to her that I changed. It's now July and she is finally realizing the changes I made are for real and the best part is that I don't know if I want her back! She went from not calling/texting for days to at least 3-4 texts a day! Because I detached. Give it a shot!

Read Sandi's rules, GAL, act like you are ok and moving on! Believe me, this stuff works!

[Matt777]

Ok so this is the current situation that I am in ...how do I stop talking to my recently separated wife about the past and how do I stop telling her how sorry I am and how do I stop trying to convince her to try again I know it is now starting to make her cross and she thinks all I am trying to do is wear her down and that I do not listen to her

You just stop. Maybe I don't understand your question, but just STOP doing it. It takes a lot of self control, but it's so important. You said you were sorry. She knows you're sorry. Imagine how annoying it is for your kid to ask "are we there yet?" Every 5 minutes of a car ride...

She tells me that I was not their for her during the marriage and now it is too little too late she says I am crowding her

Read the 37 rules again and again. They're there for a reason!

I did not do my share of the house work and now I am doing my share and then some she says it does not matter to her any more.

That's because it isn't about the HOUSEWORK. It's about her feeling loved by you performing acts of service to her. She wants you to show your love by doing things for other people. She doesn't care about the dirty dish; she cares that you showed her your love for her by cleaning the dirty dish.

I thought that if I was doing more with the kids and more with the house work ...the things that she wanted during the marriage then this would or might make her believe in me and open up to working things out

It might. But not if you say or act like "look honey! I'm doing the dishes, just like you asked!" This process is for YOU! You need to identify the changes you want to make in you and do them for you. If you do exactly the things your W wants, it just won't stick. Isn't that what happened last time?

We still live in same house and generally we do get along but I always find myself saying to her can I ask you something ....and then this usually leads to me trying to make things right and discuss what went wrong I just need to stop but I always seem to be finding my way back to this point.

Somehow I have to stop but am struggling to distance myself from her

So....stop doing that!

[25yearsmlc]

Ok so this is the current situation that I am in ...how do I stop talking to my recently separated wife about the past

and how do I stop telling her how sorry I am and how do I stop trying to convince her to try again

3 separate questions.

You (both) eventually must let go of the past b/c rehashing it does NOT improve anything. It does not alter one's memory or convince or replace the narrative. It does not help, it does not work.

Put a STOP SIGN in your mind and STOP doing it. Replace that behavior with an alternative action, such as looking at a picture of the family doing something fun or on a holiday, and then put it down somewhere and leave the room.

Why? B/c The "ritual" or process of allowing yourself to entertain a memory for a moment and not deny or repress them all, but then putting it down - should help you "table" the thought, for the time being. It'll still be there later.

(Do all this without her around). Remember, too, the words in many of our vows that says "from this day forward"? I think those words are brilliant and we must recall them, often in this journey. WE have to go, "from this day forward" so there are things you must let go of, as well.

Stop the historical revisions and rehashing.

You cannot convince her of anything about the marriage, with words.

Wrap your brain around this fact.^^

Secondly as far as the apology, IF you have given her an apology that was real, specific, and sincere, then now it's time for you to BEHAVE Differently, and stop talking about behaving differently.

An apology is just words in the wind, Unless changes happen in you.

She needs new behaviors, NOT more apologies.

If you are Not sure she "heard" your apology, and or you think you gave a mediocre one,

then write an apology down on paper but POST IT HERE FIRST, before you send it to her, so we can help you write with the most effect.


I think when you keep on apologizing, it comes off as pleading instead,
which is a huge turn off. It's on that list of behaviors NOT to do when your spouse wants out of a marriage. And ironically,

repeated apologies reeks of 2 things you do NOT want her to believe,

1) they make you look LESS LIKELY TO CHANGE. How?

B/c what you are really doing when you are repeatedly apologizing

is talking, NOT behaving in a new way (which would = change in you)

so the more you apologize, the more you look as if you have not truly changed)

AND

2) it will appear to mean that the main reason you have for apologizing is NOT to "own" your part, but to get her back.

You are attaching expectations to your apology, which is why you continue doing it.

In other words, you are expecting immediate forgiveness, a clean slate, & new start

without you putting in the time for the change to manifest as being real.

I think that's why you keep saying it over and over.

All those words right now are your Promises of change...which I would think she has heard before.

What do you think?

I know it is now starting to make her cross

Then Show (her) some self control and STOP this behavior.

Are her feelings important to you?? I'm being sincere. Do you care if she is annoyed by your behavior

or is demanding reassurances from her which she cannot give at the moment, more important?

Do you see that the more you demand reassurances she cannot give

the more you push her away?

What is she going to think of your words - when your actions do NOT match them?

How "loved & appreciated" will she feel - if you just blow off her feelings, and do whatever the heck you want? I'm concerned that is exactly how she will see it.

Do you See how counter productive your behavior can be? Owning it, means changing it.

and she thinks all I am trying to do is wear her down and that I do not listen to her


Ghost, no offense, but if you think about it, isn't that^^pretty much the truth?

You are knowingly saying things that "make her cross" and you continue to do that. So, how isn't that just trying to wear her down

AND just Not listening to her? To her, it would appear that you expect her feelings to change overnight b/c after all, you SAID you were sorry.

Here's the "math" of it Ghost:

Consistent changes in you, + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

So, how are you demonstrating (actions, not words) that change to her?

What are your 180s? Can you list a few here? And what are your SHORT TERM goals?

And point of clarification, have you read the DB book(s)? Short term goals are discussed in detail in of them but I don't recall which. But you can try some now, such as

"talking pleasantly with wife, without any R talk", (but hanging up or ending the conversation first, b/c you are not needy and clingy and you have Fun, interesting things to do...)

Make sense?


She tells me that I was not their for her during the marriage and now it is too little too late she says I am crowding her


"too little too late" is a mantra for many WAS's. Of course she says that. Don't be alarmed, we all have heard that or thought it. You must Understand that if she concedes you are changing for real THEN she will have to change course!
But She does not want to do that.

She wants to carry on with her present plan, and you making real changes throws a wrench in the engine IF she admits to seeing it.

Also, when you are constantly challenging her choices, it just forces her to defend those choices more, instead of examining her choices.

The question is, Are your changes being made because you want to become the best you that you can become? If so, her reaction is simply not relevant.

If the changes are only being made so that she'll want to reconcile,

then it's not authentic change; it's merely a "tactic" - and she knows it.


I did not do my share of the house work and now I am doing my share and then some she says it does not matter to her any more.


Stop pointing them out, b/c that's a great way to negate them. When you do something normal, or fair, or even more, like your share of the housework, you totally UN DO IT by talking about it.


I thought that if I was doing more with the kids and more with the house work ...the things that she wanted during the marriage then this would or might make her believe in me and open up to working things out

So a few days or weeks of more chores would fix it all? Sure looks as if

You are attaching expectations of her, with your changes. But the changes are not supposed to be connected to anything SHE does. Your changes are not going to be counted when you point them out to her.

AND
By pointing out whatever changes you say you made, or contribution to the house, and by expecting her to suddenly believe you're radically different,

you make it all look like a charade, just a tool for getting her back.

When I saw these comments, my reaction was that you were just using chores and time with the kids as tactics to get her back. Too bad.

Instead, you could have just made it about being the best father you can be.

An added bonus is that mothers are often deeply moved by the loving interactions of their h's and her children, so even though her reaction should not be a factor, it happens to be a productive behavioral change (but NOT if you point it out!!)


We still live in same house and generally we do get along but I always find myself saying to her can I ask you something

See the STOP SIGN? Obey it.

I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it's not exactly complicated.


....and then this usually leads to me trying to make things right and discuss what went wrong I just need to stop but I always seem to be finding my way back to this point.

Somehow I have to stop but am struggling to distance myself from her

Gary

You are creating more distance by the incessant questions. Please see that. Please exercise more self control b/c so many things in your life will improve then.

You need a plan.

Write down some 180s. Write down what you think SHE would say if she were here, about the troubles in the marriage.

It's not that everything she says is true - but we need to know what HER perspective is.

Then we can better advise. Makes sense?

[ATPeace]

Hi

Thank you all so much for the time you have spent helping me you really do not have any idea just how greatful I am.

I do not have the divorce busting book I just have divorce remedy should I order divorce busting as well

[ATPeace]

As far as how to stop your pleading to W, you have to come to the realization that nothing you say right now will have any impact on how your W feels. Your W will have to come to her conclusions by herself. I would think constantly stating your case makes you appear weak and unattractive to your W.

Thank you this is so true

[ATPeace]

I am no expert but you still have her in your house, to me that is a BIG bonus. One story in the DB book that I think may help you is Page: 172, Carol....it is very good at guiding me & I think it would give you a good idea where to start.

I do not have divorce busting should I order this I do have divorce remedy

[Matt777]

The books are pretty similar. My image is that DR is a newer, more updated version. I doubt you NEED both.