I'm spending time with her because she is willing to do so, and she's being kind and gentle, she's showing some affection, etc.
If she begins to pull away or starts getting distant and mean again, then I will pull back, but for now, I'm comfortable with it.
I sensed a little deception today on the phone, as she said she has "an appointment" at 8 am on Saturday. W is usually more specific than that. I'm not going to mind read though, and I wasn't about to ask for specifics.
I'm also more in control of my emotions now, and I feel as though I can handle myself better around her.
So I read the latest part of your sitch. A few things jumped out at me and I wanted to just say some things ... things I learned as like you, looking back I made some mistakes that cost me alot of pain for longer than I should have allowed.
Quote:
But I'm really struggling right now. I know this is normal, but I'm questioning whether I can forgive the EA(PA?), (or even whether its over or not)
A few threads ago on my sitch there was a great debate about forgiveness. I think along the lines that forgiveness is more for us than it is our WAS, as all that only weighs us down right? So I looked at it this way and decided to 'forgive' more to let myself be free. I will be honest, I think this was more 25% true forgiveness and 75% tossing those feelings associated with all the hurts and pain into a box because when my W did finally come out of the fog those feelings came with her. When she actually admitted to how wrong the A was, acknowldeged the deep pain and hurt she inflicted on me and my S I then forgave her again ... this time I would say it was a 70% true forgiveness, but that other 30% is still right here sitting next to me. This I must deal with, careful not to use it as a trump card in every discussion/argument. "Cali you forgot the trash" ... "W, well you cheated on me" So you need to really get to a place where you forgive for you .... do what you want with the left overs but do not let this hurt own you.
That being said ... your W still seems wayward to me, sure she may be playing nice, possibly has the A underground and cake eating. She did what she felt was required of her for your birthday. But she has yet to wake up and admit the A, that its over, that it was wrong ... and that she will do what it takes to save the M.
I am of firm belief until the WAS fears the will lose the LBS there will be no change, maybe the A ran its course but there is no reason for them to commit to the M as ... well .. there is really no consequence for their actions. This is a risky move as quite possibly the WAS is done, waiting for the LBS to pull that trigger for them .... the thought is the LBS becomes strong enough to get to a point where they are good with or without the WAS and its not an act. That's what happened to me, granted when I arrived to that point it took W about 4 months to have the nerve to sever the A and tell me she wanted to 'commit' to the M , another 3 months honestly before I actually seen this by her actions. (0% of what they say ...50% of what they do)
Reading your sitch I do think you would benefit from DBing more, and feeding cake less ... she has yet to face the music and by you allowing the cake eat fest you are basically not addressing the elephant in the room ... IMHO
Thanks Cali. I hear what you are saying. I'm so torn here, because I've seen an actual change in her attitude that leads me to 80% feel that the A is over. That 20% doubt still lingers, but my W is one of the most strong willed, intelligent people I've ever met. Going waaaay underground with the A doesn't seem in her nature (I know that she's not who she was, etc), but she's smart enough to understand that it would be a waste of time to try and really hide this. It would come out eventually.
Also, I want to give her more credit than to intentionally hurt me/D2. She knows I've talked to an attorney, so she knows I will leave eventually.
She just genuinely wasnt/isn't happy with who I became. I know I'm putting a lot on me, and I'm not excusing the A, but when I look back on this, it really was/is 75% my fault. And that is after a lot of thinking/focusing in which I tried to find a way I could blame her for everything.
So, with the way things are now, I'm weighing the risks of each way to behave/respond, and I've settled on trying to be halfway between DB and piecing while keeping one eye on my back to be sure nothing sneaks up. I hope I've protected myself emotionally enough to not get hurt if I'm going about it wrong.
Thanks Matt. It's been so long sin e I felt like the world is crashing down around me. Nothing happened to cause it either. W was pleasant this evening at D2 exchange...I'm just projecting and mind reading too much.
I need some kind of stability soon...at least a "status update" from W soon. I can't continue to wonder about this A. It's killing me from the inside. For so long, I chose to not let it bother me...but since W has been so nice lately, it's more of a factor in my mind...like I'm preparing myself for another BD.
Success! No text, no calls. I was able to get past the urge. I guess I need to go back to focusing on the basics...detach and STFU.
In 7 minutes it won't be my birthday anymore. Life can go back to normal...until the 23rd which is my 5 year W anniversary. Kind of freaking out on how to handle that day.
Nice job in fighting the urge to send a text. As far as anniversaries are concerned, I'm no expert, but I would think you don't need to do much of anything. I still have a few more months until my anniversary so I'm not speaking from experience.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
