Well .. its Monday and as typical I am so into the GAL think over the weekend I might read a bit here and there but rarely find time to post much.
Pulling uR from the other thread:
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Hey Luke. I thought we had the "mindreading hat" burning ceremony . I know you know that serves no good purpose except to make you crazy.
As far as the man she is speaking with..it is best to get to a trust and verify place. It's a process this. I think it is important to talk with her when the time is right.
Love how you are posting to others...good on you, grasshopper. Lol.
uR ... I bought that mindreading hat fair and square .. do not be hating my mad mind readin skillz ... besides to late .. been crazy for a bit (I get it I get it)
I have decided .. the thing with OM2, I do not feel there is a threat, however the thing I do not like is the hiding part, something I am going to/and have put on the back burner for now ... there will be a place and time to address this as you said.. but its just not here and now, and I am really at peace with this... more of the approach ... she will do what she does I can not control that.
Again Friday night I worked, home at a nice 2:45 a.m. crashed and W picked me up around 7:30 for the 2nd Post session. I honestly got little out of this session, both presentations were by much older couples ... talking they have been married collectively 110+ years .... so not really much I could relate to.
The one topic of interest, and something I found interesting was Family of Origin. Basically touched on how we were raised, what we experienced and about our childhoods. We were told to answer about 7-8 questions on this ... after we were told to exchange, I noticed W was upset a bit ... there was a couple questions that to be honest stung for me to have to answer. We exchange and W only answered 3 questions ... I looked at her puzzled and with tears in her eyes she told me she can not remember.
She has been struggling lately, sharing she is trying to deal with herself .. figure out things .. this memory block of hers and her childhood seems to me has always been there, I am not sure what happened to her ... but over the years I have had 2 doctors approach me on the side asking if she experienced some sort of trauma when she was younger. Thinking of this now .. that MLC time-bomb was warning me for some time, I just had no idea.
Thing that is strange is over the weekend she was asking me about us, things she does not recall. She remembers certain things but I was sharing with S some shared memory of when her and I dated and she gave me this blank look like she was not even there ... something that I am starting to really wonder about ... maybe its the fog still ... not sure.
Sunday, went to church ... Football game was cancelled so I took S swimming, then grabbed some groceries. W had a bit of a blow up .... was like the old M, she gets spinning when she sees a mess, seems S's room set her off, funny thing is his room has been a disaster all week but all the sudden it set W off, so the entire place needed a deep cleaning ... I shrugged my shoulders and told her I understood, we started the clean-crew .. S and I were doing our thing ... then she blew a gasket over something small. Rather than allow her to spew and ruin a night, I tossed a series of truth darts... sharp pointy ones ... but S and I continued to organize his room as we were having fun together. W left and I heard her sobbing in the other room ... Cali 1.0 would have been there with the "now now its alright" ... but I let her be ... later she asked to talk and apologized, told me how wrong she was about the entire thing, discussed where it came from and we talked about how to avoid such events as that was really reminiscent of the Old M ... however I DB'd it and did a 180 that turned things, tucked that nugget in my pocket and realized how much I really have learned.
I completed MWD SSM book and am currently reading 2 others (Depending on where the iPad is .. one is on Kindle the other hard copy) W is reading the hard copy one with me, her IC suggested it. Its similar in overall theory with the detachment approach but is more in tune with an 'opposites attract' view point. It is interesting, and thankfully does not really conflict with the DB way of things ... in fact I think it might be a different perspective on a similar belief.
I am kind of laughing at myself ... this guy 3 years ago would not read a self help book if he were put to gun point to do so ... now I am almost ashamed at the current library I have going, Retrouvaille has a small little bookcase full of some, I was looking at it and W asked if I wanted to check a book out I laughed and told her I had 2 I was reading currently ... but in my head I was looking at the books and saying to myself "got it, got it, heard about it, on my list, got it .. oh that one is new"
So, at work looking to put some work into a side project I have been working on other than that ... its a nice day outside.
So after our Post Session Saturday .. we had about 4-5 hours to kill, W and I agreed we were hungry and I had joked the previous day I wanted to take her out on a date.
So I mention a place we had not been to in some time ... she was all for it. We arrive .. to my suprise W went to the bathroom and came out wearing a skirt! ... She smiled and said "What? you said this was a date" We get to the table... on the way W has been sharing that the "fun Cali" seems to not exist when it comes to her. Looking at that objectively she might be right, sure I am detached but with all the stuff I seem to process PMA is not always there. She suggested I have a Margarita to lossen up. W does not drink ... I figured .. why not.
We had a nice meal, and really talked ... good talks, W seemed high on my drug ... was a nice change, just her and I .. no worries about S or anything. We went back to her place, changed and jumped into bed. We napped !!! lol ... that food and drink hit me, but it was good, no pressure and relaxed as we picked up S from the party.
You lil' devil...I am always discovering new things about you when you're hanging out at the Newcomer's pool.
Saw this post over in u-turn's thread:
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Men and our emotions. From the time we are .. well boys .. we are programmed that showing those 'bad' emotions makes one weak .. .you even touched on it that someone who shows anger has a lack of self control. We are taugh those things from all the men in our lives, Fathers, frineds, their fathers, look around .. its everywhere ... men are not to have feelings.
Recently I had to write a letter, a very long letter ... and give it to my wife (she had to do the same). Her immediate reply "I had no idea you even had feelings" I looked at her with a WTF look, but realized ... I was never allowed to show them. Sure happy and good feelings are accepted, now ant then we build up to the point we might vent anget and thats is always considered bad .. but what about sadness ... a guy crying? Pffft my father would dig himself out of his grave to smack the crap out of me.
Cali, I am wondering if that ^^ coupled with the "missing fun Cali" is something that your W is looking for in Cali 2.0 as a way to cement the The Calis marital bond.
I thought about that some time back, and yeah there is a bit of truth there. Its like a game of chicken, I found myself refusing to give that side of me to her ... like holding it hostage till I see she is willing to fill my needs, then I realized its just this type of vicious cycle that ended us up 'here'. So I have gone back and reviewed my DB strategy ... looking at this in a PMA with no expectations kind of way. I would rather be happy regardless, as easy as it is to not be that way with her ... it was not who I am so that has been changing, as well as her behavior .... do what works has been key in all this.
So currently I have been more PMA ... less PDA, detached (update later on) and basically still of the mind 'Cali 2.0 is pretty darn good ... and only getting better, this train is frimly on his tracks at the moment' toss in a wooohoooo.
So W and I had a bit of a tiff yesterday morning. Maybe was more along the 'testing-tiff' as I will now name these, she went to a 'goto' button, one I had pulled out long ago. So the day was pretty quiet and I read/posted here a bit then dove into my side project. W ended up TM later in the day temp checking, I replied back 45 minutes later .. she immediately replied, I did the return serve with a 'have a nice day I am running into a meeting'
After work I emptied out the storage container, went home .. took a shower and was contemplating a movie but decided to hop on the bike, grabbed dinner and then went to the coast, had a Jamba Juice and called my buddy, then my brother. During this time W TM asking where I was, then tried calling as I was on the other line. I returned the call later and her tone had change considerably, wondering where I was, if I was coming 'home' or going back to 'my place' .... I laugh at the labels on this as I consider my place 'home' and her place ... well 'her place' She asked what I was doing and I told her I was out riding, enjoying the perfect weather she told me to come by after I was done. So I took me sweet-ash time, showed up and grabbed the dog for a walk (She was in the shower). After we talked a bit, I did my end of the hmwk as she relaxed with S. Then we got into a conversation about where she is mentally, she shared that at times she is in the moment, other times she checks out and needs space but feels 'foggy'. She told me about her physical ailments and how they have in many ways become worse over the past year, asked me why. I told her ... being the 'fixer' I have my suspicions and theories but have also learned its better for me to STFU rather than to tell her my thoughts on this. She smiled and said she has noticed I have turned into a wonderful listener but she really wanted to know what I thought. So I shared ... mostly about all the stress she is under, and how that affects her physically and always has, I told her what I seen and truth darted that might only be the surface as she has other areas of her life that I have no idea about that may be adding stress. She asked what I meant as she feels she has been transparent and I simply told her there is stuff going on that I do not think she can figure out let alone share with me .. she nodded and said "See you do get me" ... I chuckled to myself thinking ... 'No, I really do not ... but ok'
Went to bed, I read this new book ... very interesting read as I am about half way through it, the trends and scripts ... so familiar with what I see here and has me thinking so many of us are most likely similar in our make up, hence why we are here fighting for a M that others would drop and move on from. Currently the chapter I am on is the A and the 'whys' behind it ... basically telling us to detach .... this approach has been in place for a very long time ... who knew.
Woke this morning to take the dog for his typical walk and W jumped out of bed and tossed on some yoga pants to join me, was a nice morning.
Work has been great, Looks like the owners are wanting to invest into some new equipment and expand our capabilities. I have been here not even 2 years but things have turned around nicely, we are not 'there' just yet but things have looked very promising and the feed back I am getting from the owners has been more 'action not words' based.
Hi Luke. First of all...pfffft on your mindreading skills..lol. All I have to say is burn dat hat. .
So, I get that you are analyzing where you're at, where she's at, where the marriage stands. I know it's hard not to do that, but, don't do it anyway.
I know there needs to be some of that, but, there also needs to be some of you just living your life and seeing where this goes. There has to be less worrying about what she is thinking and what it all means and more enjoying the moments you are in.
I know you think you are doing that, but, you aren't really. While you need to continue to build a strong foundation, you also have to trust that it will unfold as it should because it is in His very capable hands.
Let go around her some, Luke. Relax, laugh, just enjoy time with your family. That's what matters...all those little moments, those memory making times, ya know?
Ok, so that didn't hurt too much..I used extra plush padding...cuz I like ya.
I see I have some reading to do to catch up in your posts where you are now with W and how you got there, I have missed a lot.
BUT glad to see where you are now, hang in there.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
. I know you know that serves no good purpose except to make you crazy.
