Ripken - WW filed for divorce and already moved on

[Ripken8]

Defacto - Thanks. Yeah, I haven't been posting as much because I guess I'm surviving. I really am trying to do a lot of self work and exploration. I realize that I've taken ww's actions and the death of our M so personally because of what I felt it said about me. That someone that I respected, loved and trusted for 14 years would lie and cheat on me, because that's what I deserved. Because she never loved me and I wasn't worthy of it. That my marriage and family was over because I failed and I wasn't good enough.

Those parts effect me more than her. They are the core of just about all of my actions and past "errors". Social drinking to boost up esteem or confidence. Pursuing her because of the same reasons. Needing sex/physical connection because I sensed distance. Fear of being alone.

While I do force myself to go out and meet new people, so it's not as awkward, I also work to spend time alone in my thoughts, meditating, working out, just learning to enjoy it. Neither one of these two things are in my comfort zone, but they are starting to be. I'm no longer scared.

As far as ww, it's allowed me to communicate with her on the boys and even have chit chat about lighter things. Yesterday was my birthday and she was one of the first people to wish me a happy birthday, even taking my boys out to pick out a gift for me. Had zero expectations, so that was nice. However, it doesn't mean the world to me either. I no longer (at least right now) live and die by what she does or doesn't do.

I'm finally allowing myself to go through a transformation for the better and just concentrate on me. I'm not sure I'm doing anything different than what's been discussed or what others have advised of me. However, over the last 1-2 weeks, a light finally came on (AHA! moment) and I now feel like I can do them, without thinking. It's starting to be like breathing now.