Heading toward affair- what to do?

[hopeOK]

I really feel like he has me where he wants me... He is able to go back to his private ways, have a relationship w/ this other woman (I think friends now but he probably hopes to work his way back in), & keep the family unit in tact. And he has me in a position of me screwing up... So he feels like he can do whatever he wants.

I am a stay at home mom ... So this makes it easier for him to depend on my staying put.

As a SAHM myself, I can tell you, hope, that this is a self-created prison.

You're trying to jump into your H's mind and figure out what he's thinking and feeling. And at the end of the day, what he's thinking and feeling really doesn't matter much.

But this is precisely where I'd start trying to do some 180s.

If you feel trapped, like your H has you where he wants you, what would be a 180?

Here's a good one: Plan a girls' night with some friends. Make sure you have a babysitter lined up. Ask H first if he can be available to watch the kids. If he asks you where you're going, smile and say, "Just out with some friends." Never offer more information than that.

Dress in a new outfit. Wear a new perfume. Look drop-dead gorgeous. Be confident. If H asks you when you'll be home, simply tell him not to wait up.

You may feel this will backfire. And it may seem like it does at first because he's probably going to pull out all the stops to "retaliate" or to regain what he perceives as "control" of the situation.

Don't go out of your way to make your H think you're having an A - or anything of that nature - just show him you are going to continue living your life ... and enjoying it ... no matter what he does.

As Starsky says: People - especially men - value most that which is difficult to obtain.

Take your own power back. Because THAT is attractive.

So he already thinks I had an affair in the past (& nothing I can say can convince him otherwise... Even after our marriage counseling, he still thinks this). He is very insecure & I was a withdrawer... So I went to book club & stayed out late with friends. I took a lot of opportunities to get out of the house to escape my critical husband. This all came out in our counseling. So should I jump back into that?

[hopeOK]

I have proof that they are in communication but I don't want to reveal my recordings in case it goes further & I can get more info.

Good instincts. NEVER give up the source of your intel, if you can at all avoid it. Simply ask him to tell you the truth, and if he lies to you, say "I know all about you and _______, and that it's still going on (don't say "still talking," or "still texting"), so please STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage and to our family."

If he lies again, end the conversation, saying "When you're ready to be truthful with me, we can talk. I think you at least owe me that much."

(I even played the card of "We've always taught our children that 'FAMILIES DON'T LIE TO EACH OTHER,' and I'm not going to start now. I can't stop you from having an affair -- you're a grown woman and that's your choice. But I WILL not live in an open marriage, and I WILL not tolerate you lying to me and to our adult children about what you're doing, and making ME out like I'm the crazy one here. It's time to STOP THE DECEIT -- either you tell them the truth, or I will."

And I gave her all of 5 minutes to decide.)

Sorry, I'm rambling. I mainly meant to say to NEVER give up the source how you know -- just that you know. There is great power in him not knowing what you know, and what you DON'T know, and he will then have to assume you know EVERYTHING. If he presses you on what you think you know, or how you know it, just say "I'm not going to tell you that, and frankly I don't think I owe you any answers in that regard. You are the one that has the explaining to do, and if you continue to lie to my face about it, I will end the conversation each and every time."

And then be consistent with that.

Make sense?

Starsky

Very good stuff. I will work on rehearsing this for when that conversation comes. What should I do about our upcoming vacation? I am thinking I am actually going to have to leave the house with the kids or he will not make any changes. Like I am going to have to create a crisis for him to wake up. Do you think I should start with conversations first? I am so conflicted on what way to go about all this!

[hopeOK]

So I guess my big question is... Do I remain in the house & have this conversation? what would motivate him to tell the truth if I did stay?

[Train]

So should I jump back into that?

As hard as I know this is to understand in your current circumstances, none of what you do should be done to get a response/reaction from your H.

No, I don't think you should go out to *avoid* your H. I think you should go out, genuinely intent on having a good time and re-discovering yourSELF. This will build your confidence, and that always leads to good things. (Either your H will be re-attracted to you, or you will discover that you will be fine without him. Either way: You win!)

It always helped me to think about it like this: Your H has fired you as his W for right now. So why should he care what you're doing? And why should YOU care what he guesses you're doing?

As for him accusing you of having an A, I'm not surprised. I think the explanations for that line of crazy-thinking are pretty obvious.

[hopeOK]

Ok, yeah, I see what you are saying. He started this whole deal (after getting angry with me & removing my access to his devices) saying- you should seek companionship somewhere else b/c you are not going to get that from me. Also- I do not care what you do as long as the children are supervised.

So I should take him up on all that? Even if he would prefer to not see me & he would prefer to have that time w/ the kids w/o me?

[Train]

I'm certainly not suggesting that you seek "companionship" elsewhere if that - in any way - sounds like I'm encouraging you to do the same thing that your H has done to you. In fact, I'd probably advise anyone in this situation - because of the vulnerability-factor - to steer wayyyyy clear of people of the opposite sex.

But companionship with a group of friends? Heck yeah.

Get out and GAL, sometimes with kids and sometimes without. Do fun things. Do some things you've never done before. Reach and stretch and experiment. Use this time as an opportunity to do things you didn't feel you could do before, when you were "tied down" in a marriage. Develop a new hobby. Join the gym. Hike. Take the kids to a splash pad or water slides. Go camping. Where's your happy place? Go there.

So see? This isn't about "doing what H told you to do" or about "avoiding him." This isn't about your H or how he will react one way or the other. GAL is about finding YOU again. It's about regaining clarity. Finding your center during an otherwise unbearable situation. Learning that you are okay and that you will BE okay. Learning to breathe in life again and actually enjoy it when you would otherwise be sulking at home or spinning your wheels over your H's wacky behavior right now.

In front of H, be light. Be breezy. Wear a smile. Be mysterious. Don't give him any more information than he needs. Let him go on about his life, making the decisions he's going to make *no matter what you do*. And you go on and live your life, knowing there's *nothing you can do* to make him change his mind right now.

I'm asking you to do the opposite of probably what you're telling yourself you "should" do. I get that. It feels counterintuitive. I get that, too. Do it anyway. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. And your M might eventually benefit, too.

[Starsky309]

Train is giving you gold here, Hope. Pure GOLD.

I know it feels backwards. But what you've done has gotten you to where you are, no? Time to try something different.


Starsky

[Train]

Hope,

I hope you know I hear you when you reference having been the one who "withdraws" in the past and stayed out late and went to book club. The difference you can make is in your interactions with H *when you're with him.* Be neighborly-friendly. Not pis$y. Not conflict-avoidant. Don't act like you're going out to get away from him. Go out because you're going to have fun. And act warm - like you would toward a neighbor - to your H. You don't want him thinking you're going out because you're mad or sad or sulking or hoping to get a reaction out of him.

Is this making sense at all?

[zew]

So see? This isn't about "doing what H told you to do" or about "avoiding him." This isn't about your H or how he will react one way or the other. GAL is about finding YOU again. It's about regaining clarity. Finding your center during an otherwise unbearable situation. Learning that you are okay and that you will BE okay. Learning to breathe in life again and actually enjoy it when you would otherwise be sulking at home or spinning your wheels over your H's wacky behavior right now.

Yes, yes, OMG, yes!

In the simplest of terms, figure out what it will take to make you happy, THEN DO IT. Do NOT be held hostage by your errant spouse, not even for a minute. And as it happens, nothing will turn him around faster than realizing that you don't NEED him to be happy. But if you give him that power, he WILL abuse it.

And Starsky is dead on -- either way you win. You figure you out. Ultimately, H will be in or out, but it won't really matter, since you will know what you need.

[hopeOK]

Hope,

I hope you know I hear you when you reference having been the one who "withdraws" in the past and stayed out late and went to book club. The difference you can make is in your interactions with H *when you're with him.* Be neighborly-friendly. Not pis$y. Not conflict-avoidant. Don't act like you're going out to get away from him. Go out because you're going to have fun. And act warm - like you would toward a neighbor - to your H. You don't want him thinking you're going out because you're mad or sad or sulking or hoping to get a reaction out of him.

Is this making sense at all?

Yes, it makes sense. I just have been so conflicted about it. And I was never pissy or unhappy when I went out before- I was just all about myself & doing what I enjoyed b/c staying at home w/ my H wasn't so much fun. So I kinda feel like I am going back to this if I start going & doing things but I do see the point. I have been going out with the kids... Just nothing on my own yet. I'm looking into it though. We are in a new area & have moved away from my friends so I have to find something that interests me or group gatherings on meet-up.