Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[V2pt0]

Zues, thank you for your detailed post. I honestly get what you are saying and I understand why you think I have not been getting what you have been saying for the past 4 months on here. I can feel from your posts that you are passionate about this since it resonates so personally with you.

Believe me, for the most part, I spend a lot of time beating myself up everyday for not doing a better job of listening and taking action earlier in our M. I am not sure I can adequately express that pain through these posts that this causes me. I have been vulnerable in expressing this to my H on a couple of occasions and he was receptive and I thought I was making progress and was noticing my changes, but still leery. That was for the first month and half of DB.

Then I found out about the A, which to be quite honest has in many ways shattered my heart into a million pieces and hurt my pride. Yes, I get my H was so far gone from my behavior and not being heard that he felt this was his only option. Yes, I realize I broke his heart into a million piece years earlier. It does not make it hurt any less for me. The constant feeling like some how you are so broken and defective that it made your H turned to OW. But goes both ways, right? In some ways it has made we understand what my H was going through better. Regardless, reconciling my own feelings with empathy and compassion for H has been very hard. That was all when I was led to believe the A had ended. Finding out over the course of the last month that it is still going on, the extend of lies, and the fact the OW had been in our house on muliple occasions has made it even harder to maintain empathy and compassion. So, yes, I am sure that I have resentment and anger that is showing in my tone, but I am sure you can appreciate why this might be the case. I am sure for you this will just come off as an excuse, but hopefully you can find a little bit of empathy for why my tone might be a bit off. I fight it every day. Some days are better than others. A's are crazy making things.

I will reread your post multiple times and let it all marinate before I chat with H.