Help and support appreciated

[sandi2]

She was institutionalized at 7 months, she broke down at the doctors office during a visit and either I took her for intake, or they would send her in ambulance with police escort.

She was in and out in 4 days, with out patient therapy, stopped going because therapist told her to let things go and she couldnt. She did the same thing at our mc appointment. She told her to let things go and walked out and said there is no need for further appointments.

If she holds onto things that badly, is it wise to rush back into the same house this quickly? Has she ever showed signs of being unstable in other things? She said she didn't others a second chance. Does she have that hard of a time forgiving people?

No, she won't punish you while she is returning home. It will be after she gets settled in and has more time to dwell on things that's happened.

[West1]

So far so good. I hear you on that it would be after all is settled.

It is going well. We are talking about what is acceptable, what isn't. She does not seem uncomfortable around me at all, or angry, or upset. Taking it all with a grain of salt.not just agreeing with her to not argue. There really has not been any arguing.


Said she is conflicted with doing what we are doing, sick of feeling like everyone is trying to parent her. Sick of explaining herself to anyone. I responded you are a grown woman, if you want to tell me something thats fine, and I dont expect you to feel like you have to tell me everything. I do it because I feel that I should, and plan my arrangements so that they dont interfere with all the things the kids do, and so that there is no conflict of scheduling.
Said she does want my companionship, and not just dump the kids off on each other when we are home, get home. Not schedule or plan anythjng without tak8ng the others feelings and schedule into co sideration, and agree on it, compromise.

[West1]

Both recieved lawyer fee schedule today,lol

Both over 2000, and it is just for a damn temp sertlement because we were both so hurt and angry. Damn. Think that is punishment enough right there.

Will see.

[West1]

Today has me feeling very cautiously optimistic.
Lots of talking, laughing, enjoying time with each other and our twins.
went for a walk together.
i went to the store. Went for a bike ride again today.
we started working on forseeable problems and coming up with solutions for them.
said she is feeling confused and conflicted, which is what she didnt want to happen. Started crying and turned away from me on couch. We had beem going over schedule for next three weeks for teens and work and her surgery coming up. I wasnt pressuring her about anything. She made dinner homemade sauce. I love her cooking.

[West1]

I have a couple questions now...
180's I have been doing and keeping up on seem to be working.
Vacuuming, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, cooking more than processed food.
showing appreciation and validation, she even complimented me on some things.
Made my lunch for the morning, had fed twins after she cooked dinner so she could eat, we all ate together. Cleaned and rinsed all utensils and did dishes and bottles. Which i have been doing anyways.
finally sat down at 11pm across the kitchen table from her.
had a couple of drinks with her and she asked me to come to bed with her. We were very intimate, hugging, kissing, cuddling. Made love. Slept in our bed and she kept waking me up saying she couldnt sleep and were intimate.

Am i crazy in thinking that this is more than just her needing sex?
she said it doesnt change anything, and I shouldnt be confused.

[West1]

What should I be focusing on now?
We are getting along great, no OR talk, making plans for things coming up, no I love yous, no anger or shitty comments. Lots of laughing joking and spending time together.

[25yearsmlc]

What should I be focusing on now?

Please do NOT rush things, which is happening and may set you both back, or even push her out the door again.

Most of the answer to your question above, is answered below, along with the 180s that are working. Keep on doing what works but do NOT rush it.

I've never seen a couple disintegrate from taking a reconciliation too slowly

but i have seen many end their marriages b/c they rushed back into their marriage

without resolving the conflicts AND getting the new workable tools for the conflicts that will come again

because life throws curve balls to all of us. She needs to know you both can handle what is around the corner. Demonstrate that as best you can by continuing to plan the schedules and including sacred time together.


We are getting along great, no OR talk, making plans for things coming up, no I love yous, no anger or shitty comments. Lots of laughing joking and spending time together.

This^^^ sounds pretty good to me. Do this along with the 180s and get those conflict resolution skills. YOU have to do that and model it, so that She gets it too.

You are building trust with her, which is clearly needed,

and that takes consistent behavior on your end AND TIME .

[West1]

Thank you for support and encouragement 25yearsmlc.

I am making myself better every day. Having to catch myself and not be overly affectionate and blow it.

Cool, calm, and confidemt I hope...lol.
I held her and she didn't pull away.
kissed her and she kissed me back.
spending the time with just me and her and the twins and loving every second of it. Seeing her smile and laugh and being happy and talking about her past, the future and dreams.

Can not rush this I agree. Being consistant, and congruent, and happy.

[West1]

Well, today is the day of my W tuboligation surgery.

Very emotional, end of an era, 8 years of trying, then give up trying, then blessed with twins, then again, and miscarriage in January.

Asked me to make sure they spend a ton of time with the grandparents if she doesn't wake up. Held her. Told her that she will be fine, and she will soon be coming home to our family before she knows it. She said this is [censored] up.I agreed and responded, yeah and we are working on making it better. She was smiling at me. She said I dont want to be angry any more. We were looking into each others eyes and I said I was sorry, she said she is sorry too. We kissed and we said I love you.
Hugged her tight before she left and she kissed me.
Now to just wait, and get ready for work.

[West1]

W is home after surgery.
Messaged that she feels a huge relief.

She Started talking about the loss of our third child together, which we could never really talk about. Never had a miscarriage before ours. We were so heartbroken.Said she never wanted to experience that loss again, part of the relief.

Sharing and talking about things we never could.

I think things arr heading in the right direction.

No talk of S, no talk of D. Very positive and she is talking finally on some of our unresolved hurts.