Heading toward affair- what to do?

[hopeOK]

I have proof that they are in communication but I don't want to reveal my recordings in case it goes further & I can get more info.

Good instincts. NEVER give up the source of your intel, if you can at all avoid it. Simply ask him to tell you the truth, and if he lies to you, say "I know all about you and _______, and that it's still going on (don't say "still talking," or "still texting"), so please STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage and to our family."

If he lies again, end the conversation, saying "When you're ready to be truthful with me, we can talk. I think you at least owe me that much."

(I even played the card of "We've always taught our children that 'FAMILIES DON'T LIE TO EACH OTHER,' and I'm not going to start now. I can't stop you from having an affair -- you're a grown woman and that's your choice. But I WILL not live in an open marriage, and I WILL not tolerate you lying to me and to our adult children about what you're doing, and making ME out like I'm the crazy one here. It's time to STOP THE DECEIT -- either you tell them the truth, or I will."

And I gave her all of 5 minutes to decide.)

Sorry, I'm rambling. I mainly meant to say to NEVER give up the source how you know -- just that you know. There is great power in him not knowing what you know, and what you DON'T know, and he will then have to assume you know EVERYTHING. If he presses you on what you think you know, or how you know it, just say "I'm not going to tell you that, and frankly I don't think I owe you any answers in that regard. You are the one that has the explaining to do, and if you continue to lie to my face about it, I will end the conversation each and every time."

And then be consistent with that.

Make sense?

Starsky

Very good stuff. I will work on rehearsing this for when that conversation comes. What should I do about our upcoming vacation? I am thinking I am actually going to have to leave the house with the kids or he will not make any changes. Like I am going to have to create a crisis for him to wake up. Do you think I should start with conversations first? I am so conflicted on what way to go about all this!