My anxiety is through the roof today. Heart is pounding in my chest. I feel so hopeless about the future of my M. Neither one of us is really working on the issues that caused BD. Whenever I try to bring up things like that he gets defensive and upset. I don't yell and scream and I always choose my words carefully so as to not cause uneccesary hurt to him. I do get weepy eyed when he just won't listen. He rants and raves and usually walks away saying that he is not doing this. Nothing ever gets resolved. Sometimes I do think I would be better off without him. He was a kind and loving man when we first met. He would bend over backwards to do things for me. Two years into our relationship he lost his job. He became sullen and withdrawn. I was super supportive for him to start his own business and worked extra hours to not only cover all the bills, but also the start up costs of starting his business. He never appreciated that and in fact did very little to help around he house. Even now that he rents a room in a house he does very little. His room is always a mess, the garbage can is overflowing, dust covers everything. Yet he called me a horrible housekeeper because usually I was too tired and sick to do much around the house before BD. I see the selfish traits in him. Only wanting to think about himself and only do things that benefit him. I think his idea of a perfect marriage would be us living as room mates with benefits. He has his life and I have mine. I asked him last night what he thought a marriage was supposed to be like....he never answered me. I need to write some of these points down to discuss them with our MC on Thursday.
Today I'm angry with him for being selfish. Time to burn off some of that anger by cleaning out clutter from the basement.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
