Heading toward affair- what to do?

[hopeOK]

My newcomer post-

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...756#Post2587756

So to make a long story short- H & I had an avoid-avoid type relationship... So no fighting, we stuffed it or acted out in other ways. I withdrew, he pursued. For many years. He thought I was done w/ him & having an affair but he never pushed to find anything out.

Fast forward to February. I find out he has been cheating on me for about 4 months w/ someone he supervises at work. I confront & our marriage problems are then put out there (what he thought, why I withdrew, etc). He said he was "putting it on hold" but I saw no changes in him, just myself. 2 weeks later I discover the relationship is still on. I confront, he comes home from work & his tune has changed. He allows me complete access, passwords, he answers all my questions, & offers to go to counseling. (He is clearly worried I will leave.)

We do marriage counseling ... About 20 hours. Feel pretty good about things but I am still working through some affair things (not always in a healthy way). Then bam- he is on my computer & sees a convo w/ my sister where I make fun of him (to make myself feel better about an affair issue) & where I confessed a crazy suspicion I'd had when my H was having the affair (due to his weird behavior) about him doing something damaging to our kids (it was not actually anything he had done & I did point this out, it was just a passing fear that I'd checked into back when all that was going on). So this really messed him up. He was more mad than I have ever seen him & it was intense for weeks.

Fast forward. It's been 5 weeks. He has not been so mad for the past 2 weeks or so & sending mixed signals (putting his arm around me in bed & later saying he had been sleeping) But I still have no access, he is acting suspiciously (hiding phone while typing), etc. I begin to feel like he is playing games. It is no longer about me hurting him.

So I put a voice activated recording device in the car. Sure enough- he is communicating with her via either text, email, or some messenger. So far what has been said is not lovey dovey... Just sharing information (like a confrontation we had, him saying he is getting tired of me, him asking about something she said in response to some apology he sent her).

So I am glad to have this information, even if it has caused me to lose sleep. I was very much playing the repentant spouse role & he was keeping that going so that he could do what he wanted. I feel like I am better able to look at this situation objectively.

I will continue recording to see if it is a full blown affair but I already feel like he has taken things too far. Is it considered an affair to restart communication w/ the person you had an affair with before? I am leaning towards yes.

I have always said I would leave if he has another affair.

Another complication- we have a vacation coming up in 2.5 weeks... A 16 day vacation!

I would love advice from the vets!