Thanks ralphy! He is not physically abusive and has NEVER been emotionally abusive until recently and I am not sure why he is. Actually he is usually pretty kind hearted. I am not sure if his anger and frustration is getting the best of him or what. If me pulling away bothered him and he thought he could get my attention or what his deal is. We have both been emotionally abusive recently. I think the stress is really getting to us. I have considered moving out but really truly can't afford it and from what I have read on threads here moving is not usually helpful. He tends to only be like this when he is very angry. It happens very seldom. Definatly not an excuse don't worry I do not defend him in fact I keep telling him I understand he is upset but I do not deserve to be talked to like that and if he can not be respectful to please just not talk to me. I can not say I am innocent though so it makes it harder. It is one of my goals to try to find the good and not the bad. it has been so bad for a year its hard to find positive though. I have read them and will continue reading them for reminders. i have also printed them and stuck them in the front of my notebook so they are available anytime! I am committed to making changes for me and the kids. The relationship will either benefit or it wont. I am worried that I/we have been doing all of the wrong things for way to long. It has been a year! I also keep TELLING him I will change and do good for a few weeks and then backslide so I know I need to be consistent. I try to send a message a few times a week thanking him for all he does for me and our family. That I am glad he has stood by me for 13 years in the good and bad. But it is hard to express that when he is not doing what I feel is right even though he thinks he is doing nothing wrong and is in love. I do feel there is more negative than positive so I will make it a priority to be positive. I have always said I would not be in an abusive relationship as that is how I grew up! I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt right now that things have been very stressful this last month. I am sure he is getting pressure from OW for me to leave also as her divorce should be finalizing. I am sure he has to feel torn. What I can not understand is why the affair has lasted so long. Maybe matt is right i have made no consequences or boundaries because I am scared it will only push him farther. I am scared to push him further away. I am also not sure if I should believe what he is telling me as he only says the hurtful things when he is angry otherwise there is no mention about hating me, not being able to stand me and wanting me to leave. I also feel his actions do not say any of that. He has obviously allowed me to stay, he knowing helped spend my savings, he allows me to help with kids pick-up drop off, has not let her meet his parents, does not let her around kids due to my request as they do not know we are not together, share the same bed, had a SL until a few weeks ago, and I still manage all of the money. I believe those would be major changes if he wanted me out that bad so I dont know do I believe him or not? I am trying to keep the children in mind, mine and his. I hate to tear them apart if there is a chance we can work it out but I also know at some point enough has to be enough. The hardest part is the kids and I have no family I associate with his family has been my family since I lived with them at 17. the other hard part is we will always have to be around each other for family events and ect. His parents are always going to be grandparents to my daughter. I do make sure to keep almost all of the arguments away from the kids. i do not want to disagree in front of them as my parents did this. You are correct he has two kids two moms and i have my child. Her bio dad is not in her life my ex took her in and still takes her every other weekend and attends all of her activities. We have remained very good friends. I have thought many times about the kids feeling the tension and that they learn what you teach them. I am just not sure what to do. Will this affair end? Will this be savable? Does he really LOVE her? why are his actions different from his words? what do I believe? I have so many questions and need answers. Why did we continue a SL he still hugs me, no kissing no ILY no holding hands, why does he agree to not letting kids around, why has she not met his family, why hasnt he kicked me out, IDK I need some understanding about the behaviors and words. I assume part of it is she is not completly divorced yet but that can not be the main reason. they only spend two days a week together and text all day. Can there be strong feelings there? Anyways long enough. I am committed to doing what I can do to change the dynamics. I want to be able to tell the kids honestly I did everything I can and if it still doesnt work then at least I tried. I will look at goals again and refine a little more! Thanks for your input I need straight forward and ideas to bounce off of. If you have a place I can go read about the walk away husband and how I can explain the behaviors I will be more than happy to read read read. I have read the affair one. It seems most end in 6 months or less but his is going on a year! I need major help soon before time really does run out and he really gets upset and makes me leave! Thanks again for all of your advice. I hope this helps explain a little better.
