Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[Zues126]

I have a different take on a few things. I understand silent treatment is considered 'emotional abuse' and is viewed as a way to punish or manipulate. I can tell you I went 6 months at the end of our M without speaking to my wife for a different reason. Let me try to explain...the same way you feel 'done'...the same way job describes having had enough...that's how I felt. The only difference is I didn't want a D, I didn't want to leave. I just couldn't beat my head against the wall. I felt like for years I tried EVERY. POSSIBLE. WAY. to get through to STBX that what was going on wasn't ok with me. I was so frustrated with having my voice fall on deaf ears I couldn't speak to her because I would only feel rejected, disappointed, and exasperated.

The only reason I didn't leave is because I would never initiate a D, and I felt maybe in 12 months things would be different, or eventually STBX would realize that things weren't working for me. Instead she labelled me an abusive A-hole and initiated the D. Of course with what I've learned in the last year I would've handled many things differently. But I am only pointing out that I'm not a terrible person, have grown, and have a lot to offer in a future M. I might catch hell for saying this but I'd encourage you to lose the abusive label and seriously consider the possibility that he's still got potential merit as a spouse and a human being and that you simply haven't heard him as well as you think. No, I'm not holding you accountable for his behavior or saying it's alright...just that there's something you're missing here. I don't post often on your thread but I've read every post since you've joined and am rooting you on, and really feel this is the case.

I agree you don't need to apologize again, or take the blame for his behavior...but I agree that blaming or attacking him and issuing ultimatums won't be effective towards anything. What I would recommend (and more to the point what would've worked with ME) is saying something like:

"H, I learned something that I'm not sure is true or not or whether it applies in this situation. See, most of what I read about total breakdowns of communication (not calling it silent treatment) are quick to label it as manipulation or abuse, but I really don't feel like that's who you are or what your motive is, so I had been a bit confused. But one thing I have been thinking more is that it might just be that I haven't been hearing some of the things you've told me and that you feel defeated trying to talk about it anymore because it's too frustrating and disappointing when it feels like I dismiss or minimize what you're saying. Can you tell me if I'm on the right track? Whatever happens in the future, I truly would like to understand better what message I've missed. I realize this is asking for a lot at this point because you probably feel like I already know and you've said it a million times, and you're tired of having what feels like a dead end conversation...but while I can't promise to agree to anything you say or ask, I do promise that I will listen to everything you say and you won't have to repeat it ever again. Is that fair?"

Then I would follow up with 2 points:

1. Ask if you can record the conversation. It might be helpful to him to see you take it that seriously, and to know that you'll not only hear him in the moment, but will keep it and reflect on it at your leisure.

2. Take it damn seriously. I'm sure your natural reaction will be that you've changed that, that he's wrong to feel that way, that it's not that big of a deal, that it hasn't been an issue for years, that he would see that it changed if he'd give you a chance, that he can't expect it to change while he's doing A/B/C...etc. But if you are going to respond that way you might as well file. I know you feel you're ready to give an ultimatum. Remember, when I was in that spot I pretty much felt I already had issued an ultimatum myself and she decided divorce was easier than hearing me. And while my STBX was the one that filed, I am relieved for the opportunity to have a partner that will potentially hear what I have to say in the future.

Whether or not my perspective on this is agreeable to the boards or not I don't know, but I can't help but think this approach might go a lot further to break the silence than telling him it's abusive and asking it to stop, or even condescending to him that there's opportunity to improve communication (clearly). Might as well address the reason BEHIND the communication issue in a way that works for him, which, as usual, is to own as much as you can. That you can control.

Good luck BW and have faith.

P.S...he's probably been rehearsing things he wished he could say to you in his mind for the last month and is dying to gush it out. Get ready for a spew...but then realize that if he is still willing to spew he's telling you he deep down hopes you can hear him and bridge some of the chasm between you too. He's asking you to do all the bridging because he's hurt, defeated, and doesn't know how to do more. One of you has to lead this M. If you can't do it then you can't really be mad that he couldn't either.