Separated...and working on it

[Di-mond]

Time to do a little update!
Not really sure if anyone is listening.

I had a couple meltdowns this week. I guess I still feel insecure about my H moving away in September. We went for dinner Friday night and a bike ride Saturday. We did have a great time, but I feel he is distancing himself from me. At the suggestion of my IC and our MC I did tell him that I need reassurance from him that he still wants me to move down there to be with him. He got defensive and upset about that. He says if He says it to me once he shouldn't have to say it again. I told him that he might be wired like that, but that I am not. I do believe my LL is words of affirmation. He has downloaded a copy of LL and I asked him to please read it to understand where I'm coming from. I do get upset sometimes that I get treated like a GF and not as a wife. He does always introduce me as his wife when we meet new people, but still I can't help how I feel. Difference is that when I was his GF he actually tried to be loving and kind to me. Often I feel like an afterthought to him. Sometimes I wonder if he is the right man for me. Even he has said that. If he is not the right man for me he will walk away and be happy for me. What does that mean? Arrrggghhh! I get so frustrated at times. If he wants me in his life like he says he does, why does he not make more of an effort? I know I should be happy that we are"together", that he tells me he loves me every day. At times I feel like I should hold back and not tell him how I feel. I do try to have a PMA and STFU when we are out on a date or spending time together. It's hard! I have been sick with a nasty cold for the past few weeks, so my GAL activities and working around the house have suffered. This week, hopefully I will be able to get back on the wagon for those. I know being sick and miserable makes me more needy. I don't want to need him, but I do want him in my life.
Financially he is having a hard time and he has said he's not sure if he can afford to move by September. Not sure if this was the wrong thing to do, but I did suggest that he could come home and save up money for his move and go down after Christmas. The rescuer in me coming out again.
I did have an eye opener this week at our accountants. I got actual figures on his income over the past two years. He only made $8000 one year and $11000 for last year. No wonder he kept dipping into our joint account. That barely even covers his bills. Moving forward, that is something that has to change. Now that I'm on disability and possible have to leave my job of 17 years, I can not afford to support him as well as myself. I know I still carry some resentment over the fact he worked so little, while I worked myself half to death and still had to do 99% of the housework. I think another appointment with my IC is in order. Grumble!
Does it seem sometimes that he is cake eating? Maybe when he moves he won't want me to be with him after all? I need to find a way to be ok with either scenario. Is there a way to DB and piece at the same time?