hold on! - 11

[u-turn]

V-I have to say, you are someone that, when I get to the other side of this, I'd like to find (not in a creepy stalker way) to give you a hug. You have helped me more than you can imagine. Thanks

You definitely are more organized and methodical about the way you deal with your emotions - I am a lot more haphazard which maybe is ineffective, so I will try to approach this with trying to pinpoint what I am angry/resentful about what unspoken boundaries were or are being violated and are they relevant.

-I am angry that I did not realize that we were in such bad shape that this could happen to us. I did not bullet proof our marriage. I thought we were doing better than we were (I guess)
----No boundary violated - just angry at myself for not being better
-I am angry that the life that I/we loved and planned was turned inside out by infidelity.
----Unspoken boundary infringed - I want to be told when you are unhappy - so unhappy that you are willing to turn to someone else for relief. I cannot read your mind.
----Communicated boundary – no open marriage….
-I am angry that W has not made the effort to change this situation to repair our family. (It seems so easy to me)
----Unspoken boundary infringed - (?)
-I am angry that WW's feelings for me have turned into attacks on my own insecurities and angry spew/death threats.
----Unspoken boundary infringed - I will not be in a relationship with someone that attacks me.

I am resentful of the fact that WW continues to contact OM while lying to me and the kids (the kids that she says are most important to her). I replay this in my mind.

This may be the biggest one - I am resentful of the fact that WW can seemingly ignore this so easily – like it in no big deal - like it is all just going to go away on its own – or that this is all just a perfect double life for her – like we can be friends through this and friends after this. My resentment may just be to SHOW HER that I am not ok with this. I want to be very clear that I do not accept this. (I don’t think this is healthy for me to be this way). I replay this in my mind daily

When she wants to do something as a family, or tell me about her day, or even have a conversation about anything, or needs help with this or that) my mind twists into (we are not a family, I don’t want to care about your day, I don’t want to talk about the weather with you, I don’t want to be your friend, get help from OM).

I am resentful that she is getting the benefit of me (yes I am talking positively about myself). Though I am basically living like a single parent, taking care of every aspect of the kids and the house, I have done so because I want to make sure the kids and house are taken care of in the way I am able to. I am not doing all of this to help W, or to allow her more time, or to push her out the door. But if I left things undone for her to do (even things she used to do) I am now to the point that I see that I can do it all myself. So I do. I do not want to or have my kids lives in an incomplete mess of a house without a great meal on the table. I am thankful for having the ability to do all of this. (I think I can let go of this resentment)
-----------------
So anger and resentment comes from these boundaries being violated:

All in all, I do not want to be in an open marriage, in a marriage where there are secrets and I am lied to about this or anything else like financials. I do not want have to worry about this (and I do not want to be the cause of this either). I don’t want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t value this as I do. I do not want to be in a marriage that is for the convenience of raising kids, keeping a house, being friends or roommates. I don’t want to be in a marriage with a person that harbors enough hatred towards me that it causes her to lose control and use my insecurities against me or even enough to threaten my life.

(she knows this – over time I have told her most of this)

I’ll be back later to finish this rant
and maybe even answer your questions this time V
Thanks for listening