Ok, my story is similar to many. Husband going through a mid-life crisis. Is in the ministry but quitting... having an EA (PA??). We moved out of state so its all long distance but he is nothing but angry toward me and loving & committed towards her. Only staying for the kids he says. But there are moments he still talks to me... seems to be making some effort at connection. I confessed all my mistakes to him & realized what I've done over 12 years to get us to this point (of course, he had a part in it too). Anyway... he says he needs me to fill his emotional needs, despite him seeking after those things with the OW. That's the only way to work on things, he says. He's been a counselor before and can really work things around. So I'm still confused... I do want to work on things but I also know as long as OW is in the picture, how can we work on things??
Thoughts?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Well, there's no "witness" so they can't do church discipline. Its all hearsay, so they won't act without more than me complaining about endless texting and PM's on Facebook and phone calls all night long. Ugh. He's quitting anyway. Can't face it any more. He still lives at home. I'm the sole provider for the family (long story). I've read a few of those links (some don't seem to be working). Started to GAL (though we're really remote and haven't made many friends in this new state yet). I get detachment... he says I have to work on being emotionally there for him so he doesn't go to her. His boss even suggested that was the best course for now (another pastor). So I'm really confused.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm the sole provider for the family (long story).
De-activate his cell phone and cancel the internet at your house.
You can still go "on-line" via your cell phone.
If he "goes to her", he "goes to her". At least you have more than "hearsay".
You also could make judicious use of a hidden voice activated recording device.
Is he bi-polar? Asking you to be "emotionally there for him" while conducting an electronic affair sure sounds crazy to me.
Just go along with crazy acting non-suspicious while you accumulate the data you need to undertake church discipline. His boss sounds like a coward so you probably need to take it to the church board or other governing body. His father and mother, if Christian, should also be a good source for support.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Well, my question really has to do with the 180... one of his complaints is how I am manipulative/controlling. So, deactivating the cell, etc would fit that bill. He's in the fog so kinda bi-polar! I have some data, but again, its mostly "hearsay" type of stuff - not a witness to something physical. I spoke to his dad - he didn't want to be in the middle. His mother, well, she did the same thing he's doing now, so no help there. Sometimes there's hints that things aren't really working out with Ms. Long-Distance OW, but I don't want to hang my hopes on that. Or, I don't even know how to handle that. If I 180, then I need to back off entirely from any mention of her, I guess. The 180 is confusing.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I thought I replied but I don't see it. Anyway, a 180 would be not doing things that seem like manipulation/controlling. Deactivating his cell would be controlling. He's really good at turning things around that way. Bi-polar - sometimes it seems like it. He's in a fog - so its like that isn't it? I have some data, but again, hearsay since there's no witness to a physical act. I've spoken w/his dad but he doesn't want to be in the middle. His mom did this same thing when he was a kid so no help there.
I guess the 180 has me most confused. I'm trying to "detach" and not seem so needy/manipulative/controlling. But that also means not "doing" much of anything it seems. It sounds like I should stop talking to him about any of it.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
