I have found myself in the same situation as many

[ATPeace]

She says that we have not been really close for a number of years she wants to be on her own and not,rely on anyone to make her happy , she,has been lonley for,quite some time she says she can snuggle and hug our children we have a 2 year old so sh snuggles with her a lot

This is so hard I,want to make it right

[ATPeace]

So I know that I have to try to gal however the thoughts of my wife going out with other guys whilst she and I have separated is hurting me

How do people get past this ?

I know I am a very jealous person ...I do not know why ...it is probably my own insecurity

Throughout our 17 year marriage not once did my wife give me any reason to doubt her honesty and her commitment to me why do I feel so insecure ? How Can I get over this ?

[Matt777]

So I know that I have to try to gal however the thoughts of my wife going out with other guys whilst she and I have separated is hurting me

How do people get past this ?

I know I am a very jealous person ...I do not know why ...it is probably my own insecurity

Throughout our 17 year marriage not once did my wife give me any reason to doubt her honesty and her commitment to me why do I feel so insecure ? How Can I get over this ?

Getting a life doesn't mean DATE. You....can....if that's what you eat, but I don't see how that gets you closer to your goals. What you really want is the illusion of doing your own thing. You want your WAW to think that there's a real chance if she walks away, that you WILL move on. You don't want to sit in the same spot she left you!

As for her dating, it's bound to happen eventually down this road. If you get fired from a job, they're eventually going to hire a replacement. Your best bet is to make yourself the most appealing candidate. Not easy, though.

[EyeTie]

When I started to GAL, I was terrified. The first few things I did on my own ended up with me sitting in my car almost having a panic attack.

I took cooking lessons, ballroom dancing lessons, spent a ton of time with my kids, took up new hobbies, etc. Whatever it took to get out of the house and "find" myself. I made a TON of new friends (I barely talk to most of my "old" friends anymore) and actually look forward to these new adventures in life.

For instance, you have a 2 year old. Focus on her, my daughter is 3 now and I was amazed at how much fun she is. We go to the zoo, the lake, parks, etc together and have a blast. I know it sounds weird, but there is something really magical about the look on their face when they see something for the first time.

As for dating. I tried right away, I figured if she was doing it so should I. In the end it just didn't feel right and left me feeling more empty. Read up on Sandi's rules with a WW and see what works. I date now, but it's casual. I really am not looking for anything more than someone to grab dinner/movie with and that's about it. Good luck!

[ATPeace]

I did not mention me dating I guess what I meant was I am not looking to date .....I do not think I would , but I am a very jealous person and I believe at some point my wife will start to date and I know this will shatter me

She is very good looking and will not have a problem meeting and moving on

I know there is not a quick fix to this and possibly not even a fix

It is going to be a very difficult challenging road

[Georgiabelle]

Ghost,

I haven't read your sitch in entirety, however, these last few posts caught my eye. I may sound harsh and here is the reality.

Whenever I read a post where the BD is in 2015, and the person is discussing dating, it lets me know the person is afraid of being alone. Trust me..it svcks to feel the pain, however this is a scenario you have to go through it to get through it.

I'm sure your wife is lovely. Jealousy is a most interesting emotion IMVHO, although, the only person you control is you. Life is short. I know you want to save your M. However, focusing on what your W is doing will make you crazy. It is not productive for you or for saving your m.

Hang in there. It gets much better:)

[25yearsmlc]

So I know that I have to try to gal


Ghost, I'm sorry you are here but it is the best place to be for a lousy reason.

I really do not believe you can heal or work on yourself OR reconcile, without detaching and that requires GAL.

They are all connected. So do not "try" to GAL, GAL for real.

And the next clause of your sentence "However..the thought of my wife.."


DOES NOT BELONG in the same sentence as you GAL. When you are GAL you are only focusing on the life you are creating for you. Keep the focus on YOURSELF b/c you are the only person you can control at all.

So lose the illusion of control over what your wife does or says or feels or thinks she feels. And work on yourself and your life.

GAL for real. In my opinion, GAL is SO important b/c it will help you detach and improve as a H and person over all, and you'll bring more to the table

and IF anything can re attract your wife back to you, it's becoming an interesting person and man who likes himself b/c he's a good man, and i promise you that she will Not be re attracted

by you wallowing in jealousy and wringing your hands with insecurity (which most spouses see as a tool of control).

The comment "I am jealous" can be read to mean

"I am insecure and thus, I must control my wife b/c if I don't keep trying to control her, I will lose her. (But you cannot control her and never could. It's an illusion).

This^^ is the core of so many marital dissolutions in my opinion. It is when our fears cause us to behave in ways that actually make our fears more likely to come true.

Ponder that^^, truly.


however the thoughts of my wife going out with other guys whilst she and I have separated is hurting me

How do people get past this ?


You first table the issue and DO NOT focus on that and in time,

and 2) as you GAL for real and place your focus only on yourself and your personal work

(to improve and become the best Ghost You can become) you will find more peace inside.

You will become the best man and father and partner that you can become.

And that will give you the best chance for a reconciliation. Put a STOP SIGN in your head when you think of her with a potential OM

and put the focus and concentration on YOUR LIFE and your issues.

Make sense?


I know I am a very jealous person ...I do not know why ...it is probably my own insecurity


You do know why. You just answered it above^^ and the desire to control her b/c you have so many fears, may well cause her to leave you and make those fears a reality.

When you operate in fear, you are Not operating in faith.

Throughout our 17 year marriage not once did my wife give me any reason to doubt her honesty and her commitment to me why do I feel so insecure ? How Can I get over this ?

Look inside and figure out what your contribution to the problems was and is.

Maybe you were not as good a partner as you could be and down deep you know it and then caused your insecurities to grow.

But it would have been healthier if you had owned whatever it is that you need to work on and improve, right/

I'd bet that your insecurities will decrease as you become the best You that you can become.

What do you think?

What do you want to work on, in you?

[ATPeace]

I was not as good a partner as I should have been

I did not give my wife the time that she longed for together

I would,put my hobbies and business ahead of he needs for me money was the driving factor and for her it was quality time together

I will work on many thngs I have 4 beautiful children and I need to be strong for them

I want my wife to be happy we are living in the same house and I know over time she will date and it is this that will be the knife in the heart knowing she is with another
Thank you for posting back to me I need the support right now

Gary

[Matt777]

I know over time she will date and it is this that will be the knife in the heart knowing she is with another

The more that you worry about ^^^^, the more difficult it is to do the things you should be doing. You can't control it, so why let it flutter around in your head, poisoning everything else you are doing? You don't KNOW this is going to happen - you FEAR it's going to happen. The more life you give it, the more likely it is to happen.

[ATPeace]

Thank you Matt you are indeed correct it is just a horrible journey to be on