Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

I spent the entire weekend, about 20 hours, building bunk beds for my boys. I made their beds out into full size beds and asked if they wanted bunks or two separate rooms, and they wanted bunks. Kind of cute that they like sharing a bedroom. This way they get a play room also.

I went overboard and built something that is too heavy to move once in place. I guess an engineering degree and design projects don't go well when left un-checked.

I still have some angry feelings towards the XW and the D. I have been having dreams with her in it where I am mad, or when I am telling her to take accountability for her actions. She has just crept back into my thoughts recently.

It was awesome seeing the kids and have them over the weekend, they can really cheer me up. I also realized that when they leave on Sundays I find myself running out of the house right after. The silence and emptiness breaks my heart, especially after my emotions are running high watching the kids leave.

I am figuring out what I want in my life right now, or what I think I am missing. I want someone I care about, and who cares about me, to participate in my life with me. I want to laugh and cry and love with someone. After a 10 year relationship having someone to do this with has now left me missing it. All of last week I wanted a hug from someone who cares about me. There are other things besides the D going on that have been fairly stress inducing and I just needed that special embrace you get from a partnership.

At the kid swap yesterday I did my usual non conversational exchange. I know it is mind reading, but there isn't some of the pleasant happy emotion I had noticed earlier in the D or the end of the M.

This morning she sent a text message asking if I wanted to go have lunch with her and the kids. I just responded, "thanks, I have plans." I do not know what the reason or invitation was about, and I am trying my hardest not to mind read.

Today I should be getting my suit and hopefully getting the pants altered for length before the weekend. One of my very good childhood friends is having a wedding/reception on Saturday and I am "officiating" it for them. They were legally married in December and are now going to have the celebration but they wanted to go through the motions for everyone, so I am standing with them and performing the ceremony.