I listened to her with your words in mind, Betsey, realizing (especially after declining to make that gynecologist appointment) that I don't have to internalize everything I'm told. So I just listened to what she was saying. I got a little frustrated at how clear it is that she has no good opinion of my intelligence and knowledge, and then I decided, well, that's HER problem. It doesn't have to be mine. So I just tried to reassure her that I have the knowledge and the means to make appropriate decisions.
^^^^ This is frickin' awesome! This is exactly what I mean by reevaluating the belief system. Just because someone says it does not make the statement true. GOOD FOR YOU!
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At the end of the conversation, she said, "Ok, good. You have a good head on your shoulders."
Sweetie, this might be as far as your mom can go with your R. Try not to analyze anything behind the words - with her or anyone else. You've become adept at doing this with your H, so make this a practice for everyone? Like an exercise routine, tell yourself that you're going to take what people say at face value and let their words be their truth. Decide if you can handle it, and either go with it or reject it.
Great job!
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I do feel like I have to hold her at arms-length a little more and that is disappointing. I do love her but I don't feel I can rely on her. I heard some of the advice she gave my brother in his custody trouble and it was TERRIBLE. I see more clearly now that his issues with self-trust and confidence are very, very similar to mine and that makes things a little clearer for me in how I treat myself now too. I wish I could help him but I'm afraid he also is going to have to learn the hard way. I just hope he does.
While I know you're disappointed with this, it's honest. Accept that this is the best she can do. Besides, someone smart told me a looong time ago, "Betsey, why do you take advice from someone who is way more messed up than you? Stop it!" Nobody ever had to tell me to remember that from that point on. I may be slow, but I'm not completely stupid. And neither are you.
Backing up...
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My brothers are great. My sisters-in-law and my mom took me shopping and encouraged me to make a few wardrobe choices that reflect me as beautiful, strong, and creative, rather than frumpy and shrinking into the background. It felt funny but it was really interesting to hear them talk about how much I've shrunk through all this process, and how I need to find myself again.
What a gentle way to do a positive intervention. I hope you can see the love and kindness in this type of communication.
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I've committed to training for another half-marathon with one sister-in-law and an obstacle run with a friend. So I need to make time in my life for training for those things, which will make me feel 100% better and might help my hair stop falling out.
This sounds like the perfect goal setting to get you through some tough minefields down the road. Perfect!
I'm a stress eater, so I can identify with you. Let's just say the loss and grief in my heart haven't helped with any type of weight loss, and our consistent rain has prevented me from doing what I enjoy doing during the summer - walk after dinner. It's been depressing. When I was home 2 weeks ago, my D21 and I took a walk to my BFF's house. In the rain. And it was raining hard, but we both wanted to walk.
I'm becoming really enamored with essential oils, and making environmentally friendly cleaning solutions, scrubs, etc. I've been delving through pinterest for certain uses (like using them to hijack my addiction to sugar), as well as prevent hair loss from coloring it. There are some essential oils, that when mixed with your own shampoos or making your own that help with it. I've been encouraged by some of the blogging feedback on the topic. Maybe take a few minutes to research?
On that topic, I'll post a public service announcement here (LOL, are you evicting me yet?). I have hard water, and I don't like ponying up money for fabric softener - even from the dollar store. So I made my own this weekend, and am jumping up and down at how well it worked and how cheap it is!
16 oz. white distilled vinegar 100 drops (1 tsp) lavender essential oil
Shake thoroughly before using (think oil and vinegar salad dressing) and use 1/4 cup in the fabric softener spot or in the rinse cycle if your washer doesn't have one. IT ROCKS! And no, you can't smell the vinegar. My towels came out really fresh and clean.
PSA over.
One last thing.
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So I gave some thought to why I'm feeling so much anxiety, what I'm so afraid of.
If it makes you feel any better, a few years ago I realized I have an anxiety disorder. Maybe Labug (where the heck IS she lately?) saw our similarities when she asked me to post to you. It's why I guess I'm comfortable saying the tough stuff to you - because 1) you can take it, and 2) I know you're a deep thinker.
Anyway, give this topic some decent time and effort and connect the dots between how you feel, those internal dialogs you use (maybe even write down the insane things you say to yourself) and evaluate them as an experiment. It took me quite awhile to get to the bottom of it. And certain conditions pushed me into a spiral - like when I had virtually no business coming in and was living hand to mouth.
It really boiled down to a pretty primitive and untrue belief system I maintained - I was scared to death that I couldn't take care of myself and my girls. Then I started replacing those dialogs with more positive ones. Like the fact that even when money is tight, I find a way through it. I always do. So why did I allow myself to talk myself into anxiety attacks and sleepless nights? It took quite awhile to turn myself around. I resorted to lots of prayer (ok, maybe they were pleas of desperation at times), amping up my gratitude journal, and using some Angel cards to replace that kind of thinking to one of more abundance and quiet contemplation.
I also started work on release techniques and meditation - which is extremely tough for me because my mind has a tough time just letting go. But I kept at it, worked on my breathing and eventually, I got myself to a better place.
I still recommend Byron Katie. When I first read her, I thought she was on drugs or something. (You might say I used to be resistive to thinking differently back then.) But I started small and wound up coming away at the end of the book realizing I know jack. And I decided I would be more open to challenging myself on those limiting statements that always seemed to be surfacing.
From what I've heard, running is a natural activity for this type of thinking - you're increasing the endorphins and you're focusing on breathing. Try it?
Hugs, sweetness.
Betsey
p.s. I consider any improvement to consist of one thing: after my uncle in a holding pattern passes, I'd like the death train to head out of my village for awhile. Awhile? I would accept a year to grieve all these people. It's not asking for too much, is it?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
And neither are you.
