Still have hope

[kippz]

From what I have learned/read ... Nope .. don't ask, and at this point he should not tell.

I read a column on a couple who attended a marriage retreat, the man confessed to an A he had 20 years ago ... just to get it off his chest, all this did was relieve him of the guilt but it devestated his unknowing wife, where is the benefit in this, 20 years ago had she know maybe she makes an honest assesment and figures out what she might have done .. but now .. nothing but pain.

I would guess, you are here, A or no A you want to save your M ... so why go looking for a rattlesnake in the barn? What good will it do other than bring pain.... use that energy and focus on how you can improve your R and M.

Just my $.02

I agree with this 100%.

We my wife and I started piecing I did not know about any affairs for sure. I suspected, but had no direct knowledge. About a month ago we had a disagreement about something and in the quarrel I inadvertently gained some knowledge that set me back mentally. Actually hit me a little harder than I thought it would.

Trust me when I say, if you are willing to reconcile regardless of his faithfulness, let it alone and do not ask. It serves you not. Today, tomorrow, or ever.

Thank you Jefe and CaliGuy for your advice. I see what you're saying. Right now though, I feel like I keep on wondering in my mind. I question every thing he does. If he's really back for good. What are his motives?

For now, though I will hold off on asking.

[kippz]

I agree with this 100%.

We my wife and I started piecing I did not know about any affairs for sure. I suspected, but had no direct knowledge. About a month ago we had a disagreement about something and in the quarrel I inadvertently gained some knowledge that set me back mentally. Actually hit me a little harder than I thought it would.

Trust me when I say, if you are willing to reconcile regardless of his faithfulness, let it alone and do not ask. It serves you not. Today, tomorrow, or ever.

Hi Jefe,

I've been thinking. Does this mean that full transparency is not required in order to start piecing? I'm just confused and trying to understand what my next steps are. I guess I'm just scared to go back in the marriage, scared to trust again. I don't think I/the M can survive if this happens again to me and my H .

[kippz]

Update-
I was so worried if I should give him something for his birthday which is coming up in a few weeks, or just completely ignore it. However, he brought it up asking "What are we going to do on my birthday?" He followed up with- "Maybe we can go on a date night?" It sounded good to me but didn't show that much enthusiasm.

Yesterday, before ending a phone conversation, he said "I love..." and he cut himself short. Not sure why he didn't continue. He probably wants to say it but when he's really sure (?). I just pretended not to hear and didn't talk about it afterwards.

Praying for everyone.

[Fogg]

Yesterday, before ending a phone conversation, he said "I love..." and he cut himself short. Not sure why he didn't continue. He probably wants to say it but when he's really sure (?).

Its possible, he may just not be sure what he wants and is still figureing it out. If hes in that confused state he might not want to lead you on because then you could start to gain expectations. It could be that hes just becoming comfortable around you (because of no pressure) and it was more of habit that he caught himself on.

You did good not to point it out and putting him on the spot. Give him space and don't put pressure on him, let him figure things out.

If you don't have a signature yet it might be a good time to put one, it helps reading along. You can set it by clicking My Stuff => Edit Profile.

[kippz]

Thank you, Fogg. I'll definitely give him some space about that. I'm just scared that he'll never say it again.

[kippz]

Stressing out today. Hubby still hasn't told me he loves me. I know I should be patient. I'm just scared that I would never hear it. I see it though.

One more thing that has me stressing- my H's favorite cousin who lives 2 hours away. We very recently found out that he is going through a D and he has a new gf already! I'm worried that if my H hangs out with him that H might get jealous of his cousin's new life with his new girl. Not sure how to deal with these feelings. I'm scared because his cousin might influence my H. Him and I are not strong yet right now even though we decided to fix things.

I hope things are turning out for the better for all of you! Have a great weekend!

[hopeOK]

Hi kippz.

I would totally get the I Love you out of your mind if you can. I know that is hard. I went for awhile w/ H purposefully not saying it & it [censored]. I knew it was missing & that made it hurt worse. So that is why it is much easier if you can get it out of your head. Instead, work on yourself and work on things that have done to negatively contribute to the relationship. Concentrate on you and what you can do to be better and do better. It is much better to hear "I love you" when you know for sure they are in love with you rather than an empty habitual "I love you". So actually, when my h started to say I love you again (I never said it to him & waited for it to come back... and mostly he now always says it first & out of the blue... not just at the end of a phone conversation.) I knew it was b/c he was really feeling it... he really wanted me to know and that it was also in part due to all the work I had been doing to be a better wife and person. So be patient, do the work, and wait for it to come back is my advice.

I get what you are saying about being afraid of the influence. I had the same issue when my h & I fell off the tracks (post BD... it was my BD on him that cause it.) He was talking a lot to a friend/co-worker who I knew was divorce a couple times and living the single life. I thought he was getting advice from him on what he should do in our situation. I read a message to this friend that said, "we are basically separated but living together." That really sucked to read and I hated he was confiding in someone who had been bad at his own relationships. I stressed over it. I even eventually made a smart axx comment about how it was so smart to get advice from this person... I'm sure he is super helpful in the relationship department. But in the end, I think he had not shared much of our relationship trouble w/ him (other than there was trouble) & I don't think this guy was handing out advice... I think he was just the sympathetic person who said- "yeah, that [censored]." And even if he was giving advice, we all have the capacity to take someones advice and really look at it to see if that is what we want to do. Heck, I've gotten several pieces of advice in my situation from friends or a family member that I tossed. So I should have gave him that credit... he isn't dumb. But I say all this to say that there are always going to be outside influences that are less than stellar. Heck, the movies & tv abound with bad choices that appear to be very attractive choices. So give him a bit of credit for being able to make decisions for himself and know that if he does make bad decisions, it is fully on him, not on this other person.

[kippz]

Hi hopeOK,

Thank you for your response. I agree, it's better to hear "I love you" when you know they are really feeling it. I'm just anxious- what if he never says it to me again?

Hoping everything is turning out great for you and your H.

[hopeOK]

Hi hopeOK,

Thank you for your response. I agree, it's better to hear "I love you" when you know they are really feeling it. I'm just anxious- what if he never says it to me again?

Hoping everything is turning out great for you and your H.

If you both are working hard in the marriage and focused on meeting each others needs (highly recommend His Needs, Her Needs), it will come. I think it is just a matter of really depositing a lot into his love bank (an idea from that book) and reminding him of why he fell in love with you in the first place. Then he will really start to feel it & he will want you to know.

[roist]

I think that yoyhave done great. It is hard living with someone in such circumstances but it looks like your work is bearing fruit. Don't rush things. You really are doing great.