My weekend update follows - its long, and probably uninteresting for many of you, but if you truly want to read about someone stuck between recovery, piecing, and confusion, it may be helpful in some ways. A lot of questions still remain, but I feel as though the ship is turned away from the glacier at least.
I will spare everyone the in-depth details of the weekend, but suffice it to say if I could have written a script for the weekend, it would have been exactly what I wrote.
W took me out Saturday for a nice dinner for my birthday. We had to wait a few minutes in the lobby of the hotel where the restaurant was, so we sat and had a glass of wine. W commented on how good I looked, how good I smelled, etc. It was affirming to me. (I've discovered my LL is words of affirmation, and she really knows how to speak that language - when she does, it makes me feel incredible).
Slight tangent - W has been really good at speaking my LL for a long time - I was just too depressed and self-loathing to appreciate her efforts.
Anyway, W also commented "I've seen a lot of positive changes in you lately." I simply said "thank you, I've been trying". Didn't really want to go into details, or push for further comments. I also didn't want to say anything stupid.
We had a really nice dinner, and then went out for drinks/singing as planned - with a short pit-stop at the house beforehand
All-in-all, it was a nice evening, but I found myself really struggling to keep a PMA. I think it's still the lingering OM/EA possibility and the fact that I'm still in the dark about whether its still happening or not. As much fun as I was having and enjoying her company, I just couldn't get past it. She also drank a little too much, and started getting really "teenager-y" at the bar, grinding on me, etc. It felt really good to feel wanted, and that she wanted to be with me, and was having a good time, etc, buy my heart and head were definitely in conflict all night.
But I'm really struggling right now. I know this is normal, but I'm questioning whether I can forgive the EA(PA?), (or even whether its over or not), whether I can forgive the kicking me out of the house, having to drive over an hour to work everyday, giving up significant time with D2, etc. I have IC on Thursday, and will address this with him to see how I get past it.
Sunday, I took D2 back to the house, and of course W was hungover, so she needed some extra nap time, so I spent time with D2 and tried to get her to nap as well. (Daddy wanted a nap too, but that never really happened). Then I went and got some cupcakes and we took D2 to Toys R Us to pick out some things for her birthday. (D2 and I share a birthday on the 14th - so no matter what happens with W and I, I will always have a reason to celebrate my birthday with her, and it will never be a sad day for me - I'm lucky that way.)
While we were at Toys R Us, at one point D2 was playing with some toys and W and I were watching. She started rubbing my arm, and I turned to her and we gave each other a nice kiss. It was a nice moment - and seeing D2 happy with all her toys afterwards was nice.
Then we went out for pizza and had a cupcake and sang HB to D2.
W made a comment on Saturday night - something about this being a nice date...I agreed, and I've decided to approach this as if we are dating/getting to know each other, and deciding if we are compatible the way we are.
I was reflecting on all this last night, and I started thinking about the footprints poem that talks about the times when there are only one set of footprints being where God carried you. Funny how I look back over the past couple of months and all the times that I thought God had abandoned me, but now, I see He has been carrying me. That poem never meant so much to me as it does now.
Thanks for reading. Have a nice week everyone. Many questions still remain. A lot of healing, and a lot of time and patience is needed.
