gan 7 - Ants Marching

[Zues126]

Hey Vanilla. To me dating would be anything that I wouldn't do if I was in another committed relationship. To your point, I wouldn't go out with a lovely woman to have a coffee whether or not I felt she 'had a chance'. I could ask a woman for directions, exchange a few sentences should I run into someone I know at a social event, etc...beyond that, I wouldn't cross that line.

As for when I would be ready to cross that line...not for a while. First off, I am still married and I believe that's important. This has been debated at length on other threads so I won't rehash that, although it has since occurred to me that building a relationship with someone that wasn't bothered with my marital status might not be in my best interest. Anyway, status aside, I am not ready to date.

Gan, you very well might be. Just for me, I'm a long ways off.

See, as of 7/12 I feel more 'over' my STBX than I ever have. There is a spooky lack of emotion. I can still vaguely remember having felt differently in the past, but right now all I can think is "that was before you found out who she really is". I can't even imaging wanting her in my life again. Even still I don't trust those feelings (or lack of). Following feelings is what my WAW did that lead us here (and what I did during our M to contribute), I want to do what I believe is right these days.

I don't feel the need to be in an R. This is a big step for me. I remember hearing "if you need an R you aren't ready for one", but as recently as a couple of months ago I was really concerned about my next R. Like I wanted to learn from this and get to the part when I was happily married. Now I am not in a rush, and I think it makes sense to go slowly after a D. To put it another way, I used to do consumer finance and was always blown away at how people that just filed bankruptcy would go out and buy new cars right after their debt was discharged. I was shocked at how reckless they were with their finances, but then I'd remember that's probably why they had to file BK in the first place. So when we just get a D, it's like 'whoa, let's take it easy for a while'.

And while I don't miss my STBX, I AM still sorting through what happened. Shoot, I may no longer NEED a M, but now I'm at the spot where I'm not even sure why I'd want one! I mean, I'm taking care of myself, GAL, all that. I have been working on letting go of expectations and accepting reality. The reality is that my next R/M will probably be very dissatisfying, frustrating, and depressing at times. I still want to be M because I find value in sharing our time on this planet, and showing love to my partner, but it sounds more like a job than a vacation right now- except for the honeymoon period which frankly I'm half jaded about because all I see are the same superficial desires for romance/sexual fulfillment that lead so many of our WAS's to leave in the first place.

To recap, I don't think feelings for my STBX impact me but I don't know if that will sustain or if things will trigger that and I want to be emotion free for a good while before dating, I am still working through what just happened and what I think M is about, and I'm not sure it's even what I want right now because I'm still grieving the loss between how I thought love worked in this world versus the fragile/convenience based love that actually exists. Hopefully a year or two after the D is inked I'll be legally divorced, emotionally stable for 1+ years, have sorted through my R confusion, and will be back on top of my life and feel like sharing it with someone. But that's not right now.

But that's just for me. I take longer than most because I'm pretty analytical and I need to reflect longer on a lot of things. Gan, if you find value in meeting other people then I trust you're in good shape, you know who you are and what you're doing. This isn't criticism or persuasion, just me talking about me and some of the factors I'm dealing with on this front.

Take it easy all and goodnight!