I realized this afternoon that it is not so much about any inconvenience. I love my dog and house. The problem is that I continue to have expectations of him as a spouse. I know that I shouldn't and can't, but I do, which only results in hurt. Thing is, I don't even want to be married to this version of H, but keep thinking back to the nice one. Some days I just can't handle that he acts and functions like we are already D and today is one of those days. Just having a day of grieving the loss of my M and my H. Still trying to hold on to something, but know I need to let it go.
Also travel and time apart continues to mount and I know this is actually the gift of time to work on me, but also think of it as more time for disconnection to grow. I suppose the good part is that with so many work trips, that unless the OW is going, it is time away from the A. Maybe that actually prolongs it? Who knows. Just fear sometimes that with so much time apart he will get used being away from me and Not look back. I know a bunch of cheeseless tunnels and mind reading.
Time to enjoy my weekend and GAL my way out of my funk.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I thought you might be having some of those "expectations" crop up in your thoughts about his work trips. It's really does get old when they are living under the same roof and yet, the person you knew is no longer in the "shall of a man" that comes and goes from your home.
Your h knows that you love him and he also knows that you are right where he left you. The time away is good for the both of you because it does give you time to focus on you and also helps him to focus on his work and also on himself w/o any additional distractions.
It's okay to have funky days. We all have been there, done that. MLC is a beast and it's not for the faint of heart. It's a marathon, not a sprint. So, buckle up and get ready for a bumpy ride...but I have a feeling you are going to be a strong and independent rider on this particular ride.
BTW, have you given any thought to moving over to the MLC Forum? Much of what is going on in your situation happens every day over there and there are plenty of wonderful people there too, who will support you, provide you advice and be there for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy Sunday all! I need some advice asap pretty PLEASE. I want to have a discussion with my H about our current living situation. I basically want to give him some options moving forward. I have decided that I can no longer live under the same roof with H under the current conditions. It is no longer healthy for my well being. I sent H a text since he is still on out of town on biz and asked when he is going to be back next weekend as I would like him to think about these options over the next few weeks while we are both traveling and will not see each other. He does not contact me at all unless he needs something or there is something on my end that he thinks impacts him so there is no other way to have a discussion. I kept it simple and said I want to lock down some of his time to discuss our current marital/living status as I need some things to change. I don't quite have it all nutted out, but plan to by Friday via help from here. I don't think I need to provide specifics, but maybe that is wrong. I sent the text early this morning and he just started to respond 10 minutes ago and I received this rapid fire of texts in a minute:
H: I can't commit to time....depending on how things go this week....work may change this weekend and upcoming months.
H: I am certain we can find some time to chat about whatever you need. Why are you being vague?
And why didn't you just answer? I saw you read the text but didn't respond...why? Why are you being vague?
What does ..."changes to our marital/living arrangement" mean?
Forget it... I see you're being calculated w/TM.
I see you are reading TM but not responding (this all just happened. i just heard the phone beep and was in the middle of painting. Note he has been playing the above game for the last 4 months).
M: Seriously?! I painting and I need To wrap up. I will give you a call in a bit.
But here is the best part of the TM...
H: After 14 years i think you can just say what u are thinking.
M: Think about what you just TM there and reflect on u and the past year. Please select time we can Chat and LMK. You do not get to always be in control. I am over it.
Note, I realized quick enough that the stove is hot and I have now STFU.
How should I leave this convo tonight? Note, I believe this is an in person convo, which is why I requested a meeting.
Here are the options I want to present to my H when we have our discussion ( these are very rough draft):
1) He needs to help out more with the house and dog. I also can no longer deal with the silent treatment and acting like I don't exist. This is emotional abuse and it is wearing on me. I also need transparency from him about A and that it is over. I do not want him living here with active A. I have decided this is a boundry. There is only so much you can detach. I am half tempted to also play he needs to start seeing an IC, but this is controlling. He needs to realize he might lose me and needs to start respecting me again and I think I need to set this tone moving forward.
2) If he won't comply to these things then he needs to move out for a while and see how that works for him.
Again, I want help from you all to figure specifics for convo. Am I being unreasonable? Help!
Last edited by BW05; 07/13/1501:09 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I will call u tomorrow. I have been working on the house, the yard, and dealing with the dog all weekend, so I am tired. I don't want to talk w/ name calling. It will end up in argument and I don't to fight with u. Goodnight.
Note: the name calling was a big issue he had with me, so not sure if I should have pointed out that he just did what he does not like.
Last edited by BW05; 07/13/1502:16 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Finally, time to relax. Up until H going a bit cray cray over TM, it was actually a good, but tiring weekend. Trying to prepare for my family's visit, so created a long list of projects on top of general house up keep, walking dog, errands, etc, so plenty to keep me busy. On top of that, I went to jewelry making class! had very little time to think about H, which was nice. It is so calm and tension free when he is not here. I don't have to wonder if he is going to come home at 3am and wake me up or fret if he does not come home at all. Not to mention, I am so beyond sick of the silent treatment.
When we actually did speak via phone earlier in the week, only because he called demanding to know what was up with details family visit, he made a interesting comment. I had said worse case scenario he could always stay in room with me for one night. He said that was not too appealing since we can't even talk with each other. I just ignored it, but wanted to say I was more than happy to start talking again. He is just mad because I am calling him on his A bs and that is why I am getting silent treatment.
What did I get done this weekend? Lots of work on gardening, planting flowers, putting mulch down, pulling weeds, treating patio furniture, touch up painting on walls, and about twenty other things.
Lots coming up this week. More home projects, two happy hours, and bootcamp. Time to hit the hay!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I read your posting late last night concerning the text messaging back and forth and wanted to sleep on my response to your posting.
To your h, your message was vague concerning the marital/living status and the things that need to change. If you are wanting to give him some things to think about before meeting up w/you, then you should have listed them in the message and not left him hanging. No one wants to have meetings and not have some idea what it's about. No one wants to be blindsided. Be upfront and honest w/him about your concerns, not demands.
Emotions were running high w/these texts going back and forth. In order to have productive interactions w/him, you have to remain calm and collected and not step down and allow him to bait you into discussions that become emotionally charged and off the topic of what you need to discuss. Keep your focus on what you need to discuss and leave the emotions out of it.
You will need to lay out exactly what you want to present to him in the way of things that need to change. You do not want to come across as his "mother" or someone who is demanding that he do these things or else. You need to address them as concerns and why they are concerns to you. Give him examples to help him better understand. Ask him for suggestions on how to go about making the changes so that he feels like he's involved and you are listening to him as well. Sometimes, when we ask for their input, it lightens up the situation a bit and they are more willing to step up to the plate...but again, it's when you remain calm and collected and keep your voice on an even keel that this works best.
I will warn you of this...ultimatums do not work well w/them. He may very well say fine, I'll move out. They generally will take the road of least resistance. If that's his choice, are you ready for him to do so?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I get your point about being vague. I was worried if I gave him time to deliberate before hand that it just gives him to prepare to manipulate me. I have also put up with four months of guessing what he is thinking and doing. I am just so tired of him controlling this whole situation. I actually felt like I stayed very calm in response to his texts and by only sending three back to his 15. I would probably have normally called him as well instead of ending the convo last night.
I just don't see the point of him living here if he is not going to engage at all. He comes and goes as he pleases, put no effort into our home, does not deal the dog, uses the groceries that I buy, has an A, and brings that person into our home, does not communicate with me at all. What to I get? He barely says two words to me for weeks (only if I bother to initiate a convo), blames his A on me, gaslights, does not ask me about what I have going on or show any interest in my life, and makes no attempt on working on M. Our home is just a place for him to sleep while he carries on his single life. I have a full time career, plus taking care of all of the household.
I know I have not been the perfect wife and I am working on the things I need to change for myself and moving forward. He acts like have have not given any affection or love over the last 10 years and maybe that truly is his perception. But I do think I have also given a great deal of good to our M/R and to him over 14 years. Including the love, encouragement, and support to earn three degrees to get where he is today. That was the majority of our marriage. So, it is making me a bit bitter to be treated like I don't even exist now all because I have called him out in the A and tried to set boundaries and I sent a text to his sister. It is just easy to start feeling a bit beat down a bit. This MLC stuff (censored)!
Everyone outside of here says I have the patience of a saint and have put up with more than I should have at this point. I consider myself a very strong person, but I am just not sure how much longer I can do this. I want a spouse to share my life with. I am just tired of the selfishness and entitlement and everything revolving around his needs. I have needs as well.
Sorry, I just needed to vent here. I will put some thoughts into how to relay my needs and post them in a bit. I think what got me going on the options was reading mleigh4's threads. She did something similar. I am just not sure I know how to have the convo with him. I perpetually feel frozen on how to take steps forward/interact with him.
Last edited by BW05; 07/13/1502:21 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
