It is interesting, albeit sad, to observe men and women in their MR. Before M, the man pursues the woman, to the point that most everything else in his life comes second place. By nature, he is out to get the girl. That is his main goal.
After the wedding and he has the girl safely at his side, he focuses on other things in his life. When children come along, it is not hard to lose the feeling of connection in a M. Life gets too busy and everyone is spread too thin.
Your W has been crying out to you for a long time. You just were not hearing what she was really saying. I hate to admit it, but many women talk in codes b/c it is too hard to spell it out to a man and say, "I want you to spend more time with me". "I want to know I am number one in your life". "I want you to show that I am valuable to you" . Most women don't like having to tell their man those things. She wants to know he does it without her laying down the instructions, b/c then she'll believe he is authentic and not just doing it b/c she told him. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but that is how most women are wired.
I think your W was wanting you to show that you cared about her, by taking part in the home chores. Maybe acts of service is her love language. If you looked at it with the attitude that you had your job, and your clients, (don't forget hobbies, games, etc.) and was tired at the end of day.......you were actually defeating yourself and putting a larger wedge between you and your W. She wanted your emotional support by showing you care enough to help out around the house. You could probably have hired someone to come in and help her.....but the point was she needed to see you loving her by rolling up your sleeves and helping.
You didn't say much about the lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Speaking as a woman, if she's held resentment for a long a time, it will kill her sexual desire for you. What happens in the bedroom is often the results of what happened during the day. Long term resentment is so damaging to a MR, but it is not beyond repair.
She couldn't get you to really listen until she finally had had enough and has checked out. Guess what happens? You immediately switch back into "get the girl" mode. That is all you can think about, and if she told you today that everything is fine......you would return to your same old pattern, b/c you have not learned anything.
You really do need to determine in your own mind that you will make some life long changes to become a better man. Focus on being a better man, first, and a better father to all of your children. You may be surprised how much that will cause you to become a better H.
Trying to convince her that things will be different is a waste of time. It is actually self defeating b/c it pushes her away instead of drawing her in. All she notices are the actions she sees in you. So, STFU and just start "doing".
In the past, did you set goals that would keep you on track? If not, then that's a sign you probably were not that serious about maintaining new behaviors. Take a deep look inside yourself and set goals in how to change what you need to improve.
Keep posting.
Have you read the links Cadet gave you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Also, she's sleeping out of the house half the nights of a week and that leads you to believe there's no way she's having an affair?!?
This ^^^^. 2x4 incoming. Ghost, how do you know your W is not having an affair? You certainly should not take her word for it! Ask me how I know this. Ask the 1000's of LBS's on this site how they know. Sandi's rule #32 is don't believe anything they say. While it may turn out she is telling the truth, you need to independently and covertly investigate the possibility of an A and don't just take her word for it. Cheaters lie. Period. She has the motive and she has the means (sleeping away from the house half of the week?? Hello??)
Please don't rule out an A and keep posting here for guidance.
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
Sandi2 you have hit the nail right on the head I have not listened to my wife over the years and no I did not set goals
She does not believe my words any more and I inow she wanted to see my action and I let her down
I have done a 180 and I am actually happy to be doing what is much more than my share of the home chores and I have defiantly started to engage much more with my 20 month old she is wonderful the trouble is she feels it is too little too late
I am not saying any of this is her fault I was the one that did not listen to her she would tell me things were not good and tell me I needed to do more arround the house and with the children howeve I really did not see just how upset she was
When she dropped the bomb it came as a complete shock to me had she sat me down 2 3 6 or 12 months ago and told me that if things do not improve then she would leave me I know I would have taken note but she did nt spell it out to me in black and white as to how bad things were. Yes she would tell me that I need to do more and no I did not listen I am not blaming her I know this is my fault
Last edited by Ghost56; 07/12/1506:02 PM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
We had intamacy right up t a week before she dropped the bomb she was texting me telling me she loved me .....then we had an argument and that evening when I came home from work she to.d me she wanted to separate
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
My wife is a maternity nanny she works with babies and I know the job that she is working in at the moment so defiantly no other person
The changes that I am starting to make are life changes I know that this has to be for ever
It could be electronic. She has several nights away from home every week to Skype and chat for hours on end with any old boyfriend or new man on the entire planet. Facebook is probably the number one beginning contact of all affairs.
OR, perhaps less likely....
It's the husband (or his brother or brother in law) of the family she's nanny'ing for.
Speculation aside. Keep doing whatever it is you are doing that Chuck likes AND independently rule out that your wife may be in a illicit relationship with another man.
BTW = while she's out several nights a week working are you the one primarily taking care of all your children? If so, you sound like an awful husband and father [sarcasm]. My point is....you may be taking on too much of the blame for the current status of your marriage. The truth is typically you both drove it into the ditch and you both should be working to pull it out of the ditch. She won't do that if she's romantically interested in someone else and she'll find anything you do NOW trying to pull it out of the ditch yourself infuriating because it's not part of the justification and rationalization rubric she's already constructed in her mind to excuse herself for cheating on you.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I do understand where you are coming from but I know my wife she is not having an affair this has all come from me not being there for her and not doing enough arround the house and with the kids there have been times when I have been rude to her and to the children
She is talking with me on a long term living in the same house together agreement for the benefit of the children
She is not greedy with her needs
I do however feel that she was very lonely in our marriage recently
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
We had intamacy right up t a week before she dropped the bomb she was texting me telling me she loved me .....then we had an argument and that evening when I came home from work she to.d me she wanted to separate
Just to be clear, sex is not the same as intimacy. My W and I had a pretty good SL right up to BD. I think she was trying to speak to me in one of my LL's, hence me thinking "everything was ok".
She says it is not my job to try to make her happy
She's right. It's not.
Originally Posted By: Ghost56
She says not missing closeness says we were not close
This is weird to say. It seems a pretty basic emotional need to feel close and connected to someone else. I don't see how that just "goes away". How might she be meeting that need if it's not with you?
