Hopeless in NYC

[Vanilla]

Eclipse

Sounds like you have fallen into crisis. Can you get help IRL.

Booze isn't helping you, please stop.

V

[eclipse]

Eclipse

Sounds like you have fallen into crisis. Can you get help IRL.

Booze isn't helping you, please stop.

V

Hi Vanilla.

What sort of help are you suggesting? I've been in therapy twice a week since last year. Is there something that can help more? I've been trying to keep busy and trying random new activities, but it doesn't appear to be an effective method to keep the mind from circling right back to the reasons for this busyness. I've rock climbed, bowled, hiked, skied, walked on the beach, went through various calibers at the range, went on dates and to parties, flew in a chopper, etc. Compared to how I was living a year ago, the uptick in actually going out is such that there isn't even a way to compare. What else should I be doing? There are only so many hours in a day.

And you're right that the booze isn't helping. At least, not in any way that improves functioning. It does let me sleep through the night, though. Otherwise I'd have to take meds. Is that any better?

[Vanilla]

Eclipse

Is this drinking taking over your usual habits? If so its a problem, really it will run you down physically and is linked to depression.

Have you thought about a twelve step programme?

Have you read co-dependent no more and no more Mr nice guy?

I think you may benefit from that.

Your WAW won't want an R with someone who drinks heavily, it's high risk. Indeed why would sensible grounded women want an R with a drinker on a self destruct path.

If your IC isn't a specialist in abuse then find one that is. Your WAW no longer is within your immediate sphere ad you are lost. If IC isn't directive enough then choose another IC, one who is a little tougher and maybe more CBT orientated.

Stopping thinking looped thoughts won't come merely from GAL, your sitch is more complex. You want to change I can see that and change isn't easy.

There are no easy solutions. If I were advising your WAW now, I would say go NC and wait to see if eclipse can change. Oh, yes Ms eclipse he is getting drunk, having a pity for himself, not managing his Fins, and thinking of leaving the country to escape from his debtors? It's a long road home Mrs eclipse look after yourself.

I am thinking of you eclipse when I also say that I think the very poorest outcome for you is if you go R with your WAW.

So why is IC not working for you?

What is the true position on the Fins?

V

[Vanilla]

Eclipse

How are you today?

V

[eclipse]

Eclipse

Is this drinking taking over your usual habits? If so its a problem, really it will run you down physically and is linked to depression.

Have you thought about a twelve step programme?

Have you read co-dependent no more and no more Mr nice guy?

I think you may benefit from that.

Your WAW won't want an R with someone who drinks heavily, it's high risk. Indeed why would sensible grounded women want an R with a drinker on a self destruct path.

I'm just having 1-2 drinks after a long day at work--it doesn't affect my ability to function. Also, since my W doesn't fall into the domain of sensible, grounded women, it will never turn into a problem. I'm just kidding. Or am I? Hmm...

If your IC isn't a specialist in abuse then find one that is. Your WAW no longer is within your immediate sphere ad you are lost. If IC isn't directive enough then choose another IC, one who is a little tougher and maybe more CBT orientated.

Stopping thinking looped thoughts won't come merely from GAL, your sitch is more complex. You want to change I can see that and change isn't easy.

It's hard for me to even take a position on the IC. Part of the problem is that I have a tendency to pick things apart (often reductio ad absurdum) as a means of avoiding doing anything, so it was a major leap of faith to even see an IC at all. Part of how this magic works is by not minding the man behind the curtain, so to say. I am worried if I start fiddling around with the program, it might set me back. OTOH, this guy did tell me to sleep my W's best friend, so maybe some further consideration of a switch is in order--I'll keep it in mind.

BTW, what is it that makes my sitch more complex? I can't see it because I'm at ground zero over here.

There are no easy solutions. If I were advising your WAW now, I would say go NC and wait to see if eclipse can change. Oh, yes Ms eclipse he is getting drunk, having a pity for himself, not managing his Fins, and thinking of leaving the country to escape from his debtors? It's a long road home Mrs eclipse look after yourself.

I am thinking of you eclipse when I also say that I think the very poorest outcome for you is if you go R with your WAW.

So why is IC not working for you?

It may be the poorest outcome for me if I go R with my WAW at any point. Her repeat assessment of our relationship breakdown is that we are incompatible because both she and I are negative, depression-prone people. And however true the proneness may be, I have no intention of letting that be the end of it. Meanwhile, she is sticking with her solution of giving into this natural disposition and put the burden of bringing positivity to the relationship on someone else.

What is the true position on the Fins?

V

The Fins are *ucked. I paid for most of her college debt, and it turns that up until two months ago, the payments were still being taken out of our joint account (to which only I am contributing now). Some of the bills for her new apartment are still being taken from there as well. She asks for a lot of money for "child support" (I put the in quotes because there isn't even any paperwork), and she was very mad when I asked her for an explanation of where it's going. When she did finally offer to explain the breakdown, what it came down to was that I am paying 100% of the expenses for D, even though I spend 2-3 days a week with her and then pay for various skill development programs and hobbies on top of that. The only explanation I got for the several hundred dollars a month which she couldn't account for was that she's with her (a.k.a. she lets her mom watch her to clear the schedule for dates) more often. I didn't know spending your free time with your own child is a job.

Also, some of my ongoing financial commitments were made prior to the W leaving and are obviously not suitable for my current sitch. On top of that, she doesn't have her own medical insurance, so that's another couple hundred dollars every month. I'm looking at these statements and let's just say it's not a pretty picture. At the current rate, I will go broke within half a year.

[mahhhty]

Eclipse,
It is time to act. What can you do?

How about opening a new account and setting up a new budget for yourself?

[Vanilla]

Eclipse

Some extreme self care is called for, eating well, no booze, sleep and if necessary ADs.
Putting it back together is going to be a choice you can make, and only you can do that.

And kindness for yourself too. You have a D in your life a precious child to think of.

I want to both boot your ass and give you a hug too. It's you I care about and your D.

V

[eclipse]

Eclipse,
It is time to act. What can you do?

How about opening a new account and setting up a new budget for yourself?

My thoughts exactly. Already set up in Mint, just need to open an account.

Eclipse

Some extreme self care is called for, eating well, no booze, sleep and if necessary ADs.
Putting it back together is going to be a choice you can make, and only you can do that.

And kindness for yourself too. You have a D in your life a precious child to think of.

I want to both boot your ass and give you a hug too. It's you I care about and your D.

V

Thank you. Unfortunately, I don't know what "AD" is. I am trying something very new for myself by pursuing a silly childhood fantasy--more to come as it develops.

BTW, I realize that I've been sparse with my posts, and a lot happens in between them...especially with the W. There's been a significant uptick in our communication (initiated by her). She's taken a short stroll with me and D the other day. Also, she's mentioned that she will be eligible for health insurance from her employer soon, and that she is considering bringing me on board for that in order for all of us to save money (it's dirt cheap thanks to union). Oh, and I hear rumors that she is reconsidering her position on the divorce.

[Fogg]

Antidepressants I believe. Exercise is also excellent for this as it creates it's own natural effect after 30 minutes.

[Vanilla]

Yes Anti Depressants.

V