It is interesting, albeit sad, to observe men and women in their MR. Before M, the man pursues the woman, to the point that most everything else in his life comes second place. By nature, he is out to get the girl. That is his main goal.
After the wedding and he has the girl safely at his side, he focuses on other things in his life. When children come along, it is not hard to lose the feeling of connection in a M. Life gets too busy and everyone is spread too thin.
Your W has been crying out to you for a long time. You just were not hearing what she was really saying. I hate to admit it, but many women talk in codes b/c it is too hard to spell it out to a man and say, "I want you to spend more time with me". "I want to know I am number one in your life". "I want you to show that I am valuable to you" . Most women don't like having to tell their man those things. She wants to know he does it without her laying down the instructions, b/c then she'll believe he is authentic and not just doing it b/c she told him. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but that is how most women are wired.
I think your W was wanting you to show that you cared about her, by taking part in the home chores. Maybe acts of service is her love language. If you looked at it with the attitude that you had your job, and your clients, (don't forget hobbies, games, etc.) and was tired at the end of day.......you were actually defeating yourself and putting a larger wedge between you and your W. She wanted your emotional support by showing you care enough to help out around the house. You could probably have hired someone to come in and help her.....but the point was she needed to see you loving her by rolling up your sleeves and helping.
You didn't say much about the lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Speaking as a woman, if she's held resentment for a long a time, it will kill her sexual desire for you. What happens in the bedroom is often the results of what happened during the day. Long term resentment is so damaging to a MR, but it is not beyond repair.
She couldn't get you to really listen until she finally had had enough and has checked out. Guess what happens? You immediately switch back into "get the girl" mode. That is all you can think about, and if she told you today that everything is fine......you would return to your same old pattern, b/c you have not learned anything.
You really do need to determine in your own mind that you will make some life long changes to become a better man. Focus on being a better man, first, and a better father to all of your children. You may be surprised how much that will cause you to become a better H.
Trying to convince her that things will be different is a waste of time. It is actually self defeating b/c it pushes her away instead of drawing her in. All she notices are the actions she sees in you. So, STFU and just start "doing".
In the past, did you set goals that would keep you on track? If not, then that's a sign you probably were not that serious about maintaining new behaviors. Take a deep look inside yourself and set goals in how to change what you need to improve.
Keep posting.
Have you read the links Cadet gave you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
