Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

That being said, I'll say this with a little more clarity. IMO, it would be a really great exercise to dig deep and look at your belief system through a microscope. List statements you think. Stuff like, "My mom should want a better relationship with me." Then take a look at your feelings and seek out the truth between those two things. I would highly suggest reading some Byron Katie books (start with the first one) before doing this. I truly believe that you continue to wear glasses that have an old Rx that prevent you from seeing clearly.

First off, Betsey, you've been through a lot lately and I hope things are starting to improve for you. I do think of you often.

Second:
Yesterday I spent almost the whole day on the couch reading a novel and eating popcorn while the boys played. (D12 has been at sleep away camp till today). At the end of the day I looked back on it and thought about what I had gained from all that rest. My hair is back to falling out in clumps again and I'm stress eating, which is only marginally better than stress-fasting. So I gave some thought to why I'm feeling so much anxiety, what I'm so afraid of.

Also I did smooth things over with my family last week while I was staying with them. My brothers are great. My sisters-in-law and my mom took me shopping and encouraged me to make a few wardrobe choices that reflect me as beautiful, strong, and creative, rather than frumpy and shrinking into the background. It felt funny but it was really interesting to hear them talk about how much I've shrunk through all this process, and how I need to find myself again.

I've committed to training for another half-marathon with one sister-in-law and an obstacle run with a friend. So I need to make time in my life for training for those things, which will make me feel 100% better and might help my hair stop falling out.

My mother called yesterday and I was telling her about a problem with the house I'm trying to buy. It could be a deal breaker but I am well-advised so I'm trying to trust the process. She started catastrophizing the whole thing and treating me like I'm too stupid to understand the problems that could arise. I listened to her with your words in mind, Betsey, realizing (especially after declining to make that gynecologist appointment) that I don't have to internalize everything I'm told. So I just listened to what she was saying. I got a little frustrated at how clear it is that she has no good opinion of my intelligence and knowledge, and then I decided, well, that's HER problem. It doesn't have to be mine. So I just tried to reassure her that I have the knowledge and the means to make appropriate decisions.

At the end of the conversation, she said, "Ok, good. You have a good head on your shoulders." The tone in which she said this was not one of faith, but one in which I had demonstrated that I'm not flighty. It was annoying. But I feel like it just shows that she doesn't know or respect me as I wish she did -- and there's nothing I can do about that. I don't have to own it.

I do feel like I have to hold her at arms-length a little more and that is disappointing. I do love her but I don't feel I can rely on her. I heard some of the advice she gave my brother in his custody trouble and it was TERRIBLE. I see more clearly now that his issues with self-trust and confidence are very, very similar to mine and that makes things a little clearer for me in how I treat myself now too. I wish I could help him but I'm afraid he also is going to have to learn the hard way. I just hope he does.

Twenty-eight more days of suspense and anxiety and then hopefully I'll be in my own home. I feel the need for solid ground beneath my feet. I have identified housing instability as a major stressor in my life and it is time for that to be resolved.

Best to you all, MB.