Zelda - Goodbye my almost lover, my hopeless dream

[Zelda09]

WhyUs -

Acts of intimidation - throwing things at me, punching things around me, destroying my property

Name calling, put downs, silent treatment for days

During piecing, telling me he wanted to date others, then denying saying it; "make me want to be here. This happened during our R too - we shouldn't be engaged; we shouldn't get M, Z...

Manipulation - trlling me I was lying to myself, didn't understand my own feelings, I needed therapy, denying things that happened, continually playing victim card after abuse, I brought these things out in him, I was responsible for his well being and feelings and reactions...telling me I was forceful, miserable...I made him want to kill himself (a theme of suicide came up whenever I tried to discuss my feelings- "would you still say that if I had killed myself"

The big fight he stood with his fists outside my ears after destroying my phone, throwing bowls at me, then slammed door Into me. All the while screaming how I didn't care about him. Wouldn't talk with me for 3 days, ran up my debit card, picked up $$$$$$$$$ check and was smirking at me when I confronted. Guess we just have to D, I can't guarantee it won't happen again, you brought the fight to me, no, I have no remorse. And for a guy who couldn't drive or exercise, he's doing all that now.

[TLEE86]

I'm fighting a very painful urge to contact him and tell him if he's really confused and angry, and doesn't want this...I don't either.

Pls let me rational.

IF he said ok and we went to counseling, that is still not him coming to terms with abuse or wanting to change. It is a repeat of our old cycle.

IF...my family and friends could not support after what they know. And o would. R living in panic and worry, not relaxed peace. Is he still on Tinder? Is it ok to bro g xyz up right now? Does he love me? No - trust is gone and it would be hell living with this.

IF - I would still feel confusion and hurt and if I asked him to clarify any of what hsppened, a man I don't trust still can twist and twist and twist.

IF - I still would deal with a life with no children. His possible drug issues, immaturity.

Z- I have asked you this multiple times...but I'll ask again..you seem to go back and forth on the issue of D...which I can completely understand..but every time I ask you, you sound pretty sure you want to get a D. But then posts like these...your hesitant...again understandable...I guess I feel if there is a tiny part of you that doesnt want a D...then why do it? Separate what you need to...and live your life (I know I should take my own advice), but if your not ready to...then don't do it yet?

I feel you still have hope (not a bad thing) in some of your posts...so idk...i don't feel like you should do anything you aren't completely wanting...thoughts?

[Vanilla]

TLee, on the abuse thread is a post about trauma bonding.

Trauma Bond on abuse thread

If you read my thread you will probably understand I tried rebuilding with my WH at least 4 or 5 times. Each sweet cycle went deeper and cut more. Until eventually NC by V to try and cut the bond.

I know that my R with WH is very damaging to me even if I really want to stand. Why be attracted to an R with someone so abusive? I don't know, I love my WH but I know an R with him will destroy me, my fins, my friendships and my sanity. I have barely survived this round.

Do I want to D, not at all but I will not be abused anymore.

Almost all targets of abusers suffer with this, it weakens over time and NC.

why are we tied to abusers

Abuse is very complex and difficult to break away from for targets. Many abusers abuse because they like it and it gets them what they want, they don't want or feel the need to change. Others can and do.

Hang in there Z, do what is best for you, whatever you want to do is your choice.

V

[Zelda09]

He went to a party last night, my friend says. Looked as happy as could be. Like he was on meds, sweating profusely, yukking it up with whomever he could is the report from a friend. Didn't look like a guy who signed for a divorce he didn't want.

When my bff told him that every day he didn't sign raised hopes that he was having doubts - that it destroyed me and I wanted closure - not bc I was with anyone, that's why I was pushing -

well, a guy that doesn't want a D might have said what can I do?

Instead, he took opportunity to put me down saying that I focus on my fears and I got what I wsnted. Most of the convo was weighted with him boo hooing how no one talks to him and "t, I want you to be a friend to Z, but I'm glad I didn't lose you in this mess. Check up on me once in a while, best I can hope for..."

TLEE, this is why. He is full of lies, masks and theater. The good guy/nice guy act. Don't you think if he had any doubts I would've heard?

You want your M, TLEE. So are you matter of fact resigned, nonchalant about it with your wife, her nearest and dearest - while you tell the 2nd and 3rd circle ppl how much you love her and how you don't understand?

[Zelda09]

The best man 'O' from my wedding reached out last night (he and his wife old friends of mine). We had a nice dinner. She was out of town, and I feel loads better. He helped me see the light. My ex is an utter douche. Not hurting, not the least concerned, it is in fact acting for whomever the audience is so that he cN be nice guy.

O' hasn't talked with my STBX since it all happened. For his own reasons he's chosen not to associate anymore.

I am dodging a bullet. It will hurt but they shouldn't be taken as a reason to put myself back in its path.

[Vanilla]

It is interesting that O has seen WH in true colours.

I have noticed that anyone inner circle is thought by WH to 'know' and anyone mid circle is now treated as ' knowing', so he only play acts outside that.

Someone I knew of but did not know came up to me, and said 'hello I am xxxxx, you are WH wife aren't you?' Then 'we thought WH was a really good guy, but we are concerned about his strange behaviour. He appears to drive under the influence". I said "thank you for your concern, have you mentioned it to WH, as you have may be unaware that we are no longer together". Then WH apparently talks about his WAW all the time as if we are still together. I haven't seen, text or spoken to WH for weeks nor do I want to. I said, " I haven't seen WH since May 2 to speak to and isn't it lovely weather today?" And " I have no idea where he is living".

I wish him well wherever he is.

V

[Zelda09]

It's strange, V. I said your H reminded me of mine for a lot of reasons. This is part of it. He's lived in a very strange world for a long time. I used to drive my self crazy trying to deal with so many irrationalities when we were together. Somewhat relieved as sad as I feel.

[Vanilla]

One of my abuse counsellors said Abusers are more alike that different. When I attended the abuse programme, there was a running joke that secretly we were all married to the same man, he just changed his body suit.

Yes, as a result it's obvious to me in other posters sitches when there is serial systematic abuse. I find I spot sweet cycles too sometimes. It is a knowledge sometimes I would rather have come to awareness.

V

[Vanilla]

If you can Z can you check in on TLee. He has just reached crisis releasation and posting that he feels alone. I am concerned.

Thanks

V

[Zelda09]

I want to write him but to what purpose? I don't want him back in my life, I know he was damaging.

To tell him I didn't cheat as he keeps asking others who I'm with - but am Aware he has.

To tell him I know he's said he didn't want this divorce, doesn't understand it. To tell him that's not the last I heard from him. Because the last, after the abuse and being 'done' was - I'm so much better off without you.

To tell him there is still time if he wished to look inside...(but can I live without trust? With heartbreak? I don't think so...)

To tell him I'm angry. That I was there for him through worse, sickness, we were family and this is still horrifying to me that someone who claimed to love me could so carelessly toss it like it was nothing without a look back.