A new thread - My W's OW, the Predator

[DifRent]

So, I found this email, in our fair game joint business account, well over a month ago. I never shared it with the group, but I'm sharing it now. This email was sent a mere four days after a camping trip that my W and I attended at the invitation of the OW, a trip during which I had absolutely no idea my W was as unhappy as it turned out she was, and during which she was very affectionate, loving, and kind towards me.

The bomb drop would come fewer than two weeks later, following a week during which my W clearly employed some of the tactics suggested herein.

I can't imagine the conversation that preceded this email, but it was this email that confirmed my assertion that the OW was a predator, even if my W independently voiced dissatisfaction with our relationship.

I would like to know what the group - especially any vets - think about this. Again, this isn't to dwell on the OW, but I think it confirms that from the moment this email was sent till right now, the OW has been driving the train. And the more context I can put things in, the better equipped I feel I will be to see my DBing through.

Thanks for any insight.
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Some thoughts, my dearest E…

After our talk today, I believe your intention is to end your relationship with Dif after the boys leave. I'm not really sure, so if that isn’t true, let me know! I don’t want to be in a relationship with you if it isn’t. That is hard to say, BELIEVE ME, but is the right thing to do if you won’t be leaving Dif within 2-3 months. If I compromise my values, I won’t be someone worth your love or mine.


If it IS true that you intend to leave Dif, I would like to suggest you start changing your interactions with her as soon as possible so she begins to feel some distancing. It isn’t fair to her to go on talking about future plans together and act as if the two of you have a solid relationship if you don’t. That sets her up for a bigger fall – and I think will make you feel even worse. If my intention was to leave someone, but to wait for a better time before doing it, I would try to treat who I was leaving more like a very close friend instead of a partner. This could be especially hard because your lives are deeply intertwined and you two have some very comfortable habits only couples have.

As much as I want to see you as often as possible, I don’t think we should plan any more things after this week that involve all 3 of us. That feels wrong. When the 3 of us are together, there will always be an elephant in the room, one that Dif may feel but not understand. And if she does find out later we were “pretending” to just be friends, she will be deeply hurt and angry. I still want to see you as much as I can, but I also know that is difficult.

I dream about an incredible life with you, E! And if that is to be, I don’t want to do anything now we will regret. Yes, one could say we are already having an emotional affair. I can live with that without feeling bad about myself because I know I can’t change my feelings… but I CAN change my behavior. As excruciatingly difficult as it is, I don’t believe we should touch beyond holding hands until we are truly free to be in a relationship and celebrate that. I can wait 2-3 months for that day, E. And if it comes, I will be the happiest woman on earth and do everything in my power to make you happy too!

OW