hold on! - 11

[u-turn]

V-you're good. Your questions always make me think of more than I think you're asking.

There it is again - something in human emotion and feelings that I don't understand. Don't know the difference (anger/resentment)(I had problems understanding guilt/shame a while back), so I research.

(I realize that this sounds ridiculous that I am 45 years old and don't understand what resentment is. This concerns me - I am learning this all now - I didn't understand these things (along with so many other things) throughout my whole life and that must have been really difficult for W to live with. I never understood or could express what my feelings were. It makes me sound like a very 2 dimensional person (no depth, no feeling, no understanding) sort of a cardboard cutout of a person.)

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I guess I do not deal with my anger, I don't express anger, I don't tend to release anger. I think that I have seen other people's anger as a sign of lack of self control. In rare times where I have shown anger or tried to deal with it, I was embarrassed by it, I felt guilt for loosing my temper. I was showing weakness and losing my self control.

So Is this anger that I feel right now? Did I mean that I have anger over the situation or the latest abusive incidents - probably not. Now we are in the territory where I feel like more damage is being done - resentment. This is probably where I am, what I am feeling.

I read this in a couple places when trying to figure out what resentment is:

Resentment refers to the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it, that goads or angers us.

and

Resentment is like drinking poison – and expecting the other person to die.

Well - I really fear this is what is actually going on with me. Am I going to be able to release this feeling? Is the only way I am going to release this is with a D? Will the resentment be gone after we D? Is this resentment the reason I am now pursuing the D? (or is it just part of the equation?)

Is there a way to convert this resentment to a healthier anger (if there is such a thing)?

So, like I said, I am ok almost all the time that I am not with her, and then suddenly my mood changes when she appears - that may be resentment that I feel - she has done nothing in that instance to change my mood, just came home. I used to anticipate her arrival at home with happiness - then after BD I anticipated her arrival at home with hopes that today was the day that she saw the light and the fog lifted, now I dread her arrival at home because I know my mood changes (she must hate this - actually she hates this and has told me that). And this is mostly why I mentally prepare myself for emotionally challenging weekends because of the extra time that is spent together.

Is this resentment actually contagious to other people and W is right that I am poisoning everyone's mind about her?

This is why I said that this is on me not her. Sure - I can tell her all of this, but I do not think it will amount to much, it will make me sound weak, it will make it sound like I need her and need her to help me through this and she is NOT interested in this.

Now - I do realize Lady V - this answers none of the questions that you asked me, but your questions really did redirect me and cause me to dig deeper into my thoughts and feelings - you actually do a much better job with this than my IC.

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on another note:

I went to a graduation party of a friend's daughter this afternoon (this friend is also W's confidante throughout this whole situation). I wasn't going to go and did not want to go with W as a couple, but about an hour after W went I decided that I was invited too - she was my friend too (this I struggle with and did today too - I don't feel like she was a friend of our marriage - maybe this is a story for another time though). When I got to the party, I felt so awkward, I knew a lot of people there, but felt like I was treated differently by many. I stayed for a short time talked to a couple people, but left about an hour later. I did say goodbye to our friend and gave her a hug - I think she understood why I was leaving. I am saying all of this because this is a big 180 for me to go to a social gathering like this with friends on my own. (I have a feeling that these are all going to be former friends - that makes me sad - I need to work on this so it does not happen).

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having good times with my kids then (as usual). Sometimes I feel like I may be leaning on them too much - though is giving them attention leaning on them - it is a mutual pma boost for all of us?

Also, I finally got to D15 about telling her she can come to me if she wants to talk about what's going on at home. She has been so reluctant to talk to me about it. I have offered, but she literally runs away when I have brought it up. This time she looked at me and said Okay - thanks . That is a success.

Onward!