seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[help67]

Thanks v,

I read your thread on abuse, I did earlier in my sitch but I think I am understanding it better. I was probably a situational abuser, either way my behavior was awful. Its not me deep inside, maybe the drinking played a part, I also could have been in a MLC for a long time (drinking and mlc seem similar). I am not blaming my w for anything, but certainly my behavior cycled until she put an end to it by leaving. It was the boundary that finally woke me up. Her issues made it hard for her to set boundaries and so things got progressively worse, again not blaming her for that. I own this.
My w made the analogy of when Charlie Brown holds the football for Lucy, but keeps pulling it away when she goes to kick it. She said I would be who she thought I was (kind ,caring ,present) etc. but then would revert to my bad behavior.
Reading about it made me a little calmer as I think I am truly working on those issues. I wanted to for so long, but was fearful, fear is how I lived most of my life.
So it seems that I have been given a second chance on life, maybe not with my w, but I have not given up on that yet. The real me is kind, caring, fun, and flawed. I write this after meditating and I think it gave me some clarity.
I am going to follow my db coach advice and build this friendship with my w, if its all I have I will make it amazing for us and my d, and who knows what the future holds, she fell in love with this person once.